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  1. #11
    Page Turner
    Guest

    Re: This Should Be Quick... (One Paragraph)

    Gary and Janice's posts bring to light the question of genre, audience, and intention. As they rightly observe, it's hard to know how best to advise based on the little piece you submit, out of context. I like my thoughts to be provoked, and enjoy quirky imagery that opens my mind to alternative ways of picturing the world (even in a murder mystery) but as Gary suggests, some readers may find this distracting. Keep your audience(market)in mind. I like 'toward'.



  2. #12
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: This Should Be Quick... (One Paragraph)

    Jay,

    I found the small whisk broom I use in archaeological digs. Gonna use it here, briefly.

    "Rubbery neck" didn't work for this reader. Nor did "roll up her voice."

    I disagree with June. She wrote that you should change a sentence to "as she stuck her rubbery neck out of her upstairs window." Her issue was the lack of "of." I think she's wrong. This isn't a grammar issue. It's a style/flow issue.

    Hey, Janice. I was born when the Earth's crust was still cooling. Allays thought toward was correct. Allays thought towards was not. Now yer gonna drag me into the 21ar century. Hmmmpf! I don't need the pressure, fa' crissake.



    Cur

  3. #13
    junel ;-)
    Guest

    Re: This Should Be Quick... (One Paragraph)

    I'm sorry but i really must take this up.

    So many of you taken issue with the paragraph, when there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. If anything, it's a good example of writing.

    Please bare in mind, im only referring to this paragraph alone, maybe in the context of things it may not be appropriate, but i've already mentioned that in my original comments and advised the writer as so.

    But of course there is a shift in pov, and none of you are privy to the rest of the chapter just the same as me, so assumptions on context can't be made.

    The imagery is spot on, I feel as though I know this old lady just from this paragraph alone.

    Reading through the paragraph again i suspect i've noticed a different fault with it, but it has nothing to do with anything anyones mentioned here or I've mentioned before.

  4. #14
    Janice W-D
    Guest

    Re: This Should Be Quick... (One Paragraph)

    Cur,

    LOL!

    Best,
    Janice

  5. #15
    Gary Kessler
    Guest

    Re: This Should Be Quick... (One Paragraph)

    So many of you taken issue with the paragraph, when there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

    I think that's a non sequitur, junel.

  6. #16
    Battle Angel
    Guest

    Re: This Should Be Quick... (One Paragraph)

    Is using the metaphor "the blind leading the blind" politically incorrect nowadays?

  7. #17
    junel ;-)
    Guest

    Re: This Should Be Quick... (One Paragraph)

    With all respect Gary, how's it a 'non sequitur'?

    Okay, clearly this needs explanation. Firstly 'rubbery neck', I'd like to quote Page:

    "Jay, I get the rubbery neck image. I'm reminded of my young cousin's innocent question to my late grandmother, "Nanna, why do you have a screwed up neck?" The ravages of age can be described in various ways. Your's resonates with me."

    As almost all of us know, or have known, and see elderly people about, most readers should be able to get this and appreciate the image.

    It works on other levels too, with 'rubbery neck' you get the image that the old lady's head is bopping as she walks with her walking stick. Also, 'rubbery' means it is flexible, i.e… can be extended. So you get the image of the women poking and bending her out of the window, suggesting her to be the ‘busy body’, a ‘snoop’, she becomes known as ‘the old snoop next door.’

    See, you get all that from just ‘rubbery’. It’s what good writing’s all about. There’s probably more. Get rid of it and you lose all those multi-levels of meaning and imagery. And as I’ve said before, just from this alone, I feel as though I already know the old woman.

    Now to ‘roll up her voice’:

    But do I really need to go on? does it really require explaining?

    Fine, again Page told of how she imagined those party whistle with a long bit at the end, that when blown straightens and lets out a high-pitched scream, that’s brilliant imagery.

    But again it works on other levels too. Within the context of the sentence, you can take rolling to become winding, and when something is wound up, it’s usually prepared to release energy, in this case, the old lady is going to let out a blood curdling scream. If you go back to your science classes at school, remember potential to kinetic energy? kind of like a dynamo. Again absolutely brilliant imagery.

    There’s another image too, the one I got on first reading. I imagined her to be drawing in breath, sucking in the oxygen to turn it to fire, and breath out fire, like a dragon. Ever heard the phrase ‘the old dragon’?

    What Great Imagery!!! Again working on multi-levels.

    Now please tell me, what’s so difficult to get, in any of that?

    And you know what, so what if the reader doesn’t get it? The reader doesn’t have to get everything.

    Yes, it maybe out of place in the context of things. But I have repeatedly made that point, and also made the point that this is told from a different perspective all together. So a change in style, language, would be good, if not essential. And are there no crime/mystery novels with humour? I’m sure you will find plenty out there.

    Battle, qualify your remarks?

  8. #18
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: This Should Be Quick... (One Paragraph)

    Junel---Huh? I guess you're way smarter than I am. How you get from "roll up her voice" to "winding" is a leap I can't make. There's nothing wrong with differing opinions. You and I will have to disagree.

    This reader doesn't think the paragraph is brilliant imagery. I think it's jarring. "Rubbery neck" and "roll up her voice" stopped me dead in my tracks.

    Jay--Don't you love getting a jump ball?

    Cur

  9. #19
    Gary Kessler
    Guest

    Re: This Should Be Quick... (One Paragraph)

    As Cur posts, junel, there's certainly room for disagreement. But there isn't really room for you to make the flat statement that these images have "absolutely nothing wrong" with them when so many here have opined otherwise. That makes your statement a non sequitur.

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