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  1. #11
    rock doctor
    Guest

    Re: Feedback, Please

    RM,

    Very nicely done. What I have to say is picky so feel free to disregard. In your opening paragraph you describe a braided-river valley. Have you actually seen this place? Although, I have not, I am willing to bet you would NOT have a braided river going through cavernous red-orange mountain walls, especially if you are in and about the granodiorite regions of the Hindu Kush. I am actually a geologist and the rock environment you have described just really doesn't fit. Your walls could be gray/white! Braided rivers don't dig canyons. They just don't sit fixed in one area long enough, normally a plain proximal to a mountain front. I've seen a fair amount of the area through aerial photos, but not all.

    Like I said, nothing to worry about really, just something I would catch. And, if you have really seen this, then I need to see the place too because it poses quite a geologic conundrum for me :-)

    cheers,
    RD



  2. #12
    RM Stanberry
    Guest

    Re: Feedback, Please

    Ya got me, rock doctor. The nearby Sanglich River is very nicely braided, but the walls near Zibak are sedimentary, not igneous, as I may have implied in my description. The granodiorite reference applied to some peaks of the Hindu Kush, but perhaps that's also unclear in my description. I'll correct that.

    L Bea...the ellipses are coming out as we speak....

    THX all.

  3. #13
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Feedback, Please

    RM~

    Knock...yourself...out....L...O...L

    Depending on various agents, publishers, etc. it COULD be distracting when other punctuation would be better. I suspect if your writing shines and the story you have to tell is phenomenal, it won't be a big deal and can be worked out during later phases of the process. Hey, if it works for Dan Brown...But he's at the level now where he could not use any punctuation and probably still get published. Have...fun....

    Bea~

  4. #14
    RM Stanberry
    Guest

    Re: Feedback, Please

    Hi all. Me again, with the revised opening based on your input. The Kevlar's still usable, so do your worst.



    Chapter 1
    Northeastern Afghanistan

    On a summit above a village called Zibak, Sam Colton jerked out of that state between asleep and awake, feeling as much as hearing the concussive thump of an incoming helicopter. The sound faded, overridden by Snapper’s incessant bitching. Too hot, too many bugs. Especially the biting flies that swarmed up from the valley below as soon as the morning frost evaporated. For the hundredth—or maybe the thousandth—time, Snapper told everyone this was his last trip, life’s too short for this sh*t. On the last point, Sam heartily agreed. Life’s too short to have to listen to this sh*t.

    Adrenalin-pumped, Sam took Yoyo’s place at the spotting scope. As he scanned the canyon to the northeast, he growled, “Shut the hell up, Snapper.”

    Ignoring Snapper’s petulant silence and the cloud of flies that carved chunks from exposed skin, Sam swung the scope to the village. Zibak lay abandoned to the heat. Even the gaunt, scabrous village dogs disappeared in the middle of the day. In the fields, robed men laid down their scythes and sought shade under the trees along the river. Scattered flocks of sheep grazed, keeping to the shadows of the mountain walls surrounding the village.

    Spectacular, those layered red-orange walls rising a thousand meters or more to bare summits above a lush valley nourished by a braided, glacier-fed river. Higher still, the Pamirs and Hindu Kush, serious mountains all, dominated the skyline from the north around to the southwest, snowfields and glaciers shining in the summer sun. But the view had become commonplace and the days interminable for the men roasting under the camo tarps and netting.

    From his position on the north side of the hide, Bagman watched the western and northern approaches to the village. He whispered, “Chopper incoming, Whambam.”

  5. #15
    junel ;-)
    Guest

    Re: Feedback, Please

    post it on a new thread RM, you'll get more replies

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