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  1. #1
    prince ronald
    Guest

    MY CLUMSY EFFORT

    MY SECRET

    I poured a few drops of an '87 Chardonnay into her navel and leaned down to


    slurp it out.


    Susan's eyes closed and she purred. "Do you like that?" she breathed.


    "Of course," I said. "Eighty-seven was an excellent year."

    Her eyes popped open. "Stinker," she said. "Can't you ever be serious?"


    That at least was the truth. In my going-on thirty-seven years I had lived


    through dire warnings of nuclear catastrophe, global warming, ozone depletion,


    universal extinction via cholesterol and the invasion of killer bees.


    After a while my juices stopped their panicky surge and I realized I was bored


    enough with all these screeched predictions of Armageddon due next Tuesday. I

    hadn't happened yet, had it? The old world tottered along, and I was content to

    totter along with it. I am an amiable, sunnily tempered chap (and something of an


    ass, my father woud undoubtedly add), and I see no need to concern myself with

    disaters that may never happen. The world is filled with kvetchers, and I have the

    desire to join the club.

    So I took up where I had left off, and the next hour was a larky interlude of


    laughs and hig-intensity moans.



  2. #2
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: MY CLUMSY EFFORT

    Looks like you hit your Enter key too often, prince -- thus the unnecessary triple spacing.

    (I wonder what happened to Prince Louis Richard de la Pau ("LouieDear"). Now there was a prince! )

    *_*

  3. #3
    Page Turner
    Guest

    Re: MY CLUMSY EFFORT

    I like where you are going with the theme of fear in modern society. I like hearing a contemporary male pov but hope that you are not going into the realms of mysogony. Your second sentence is a bit fragmental. I was waiting for you to finish it with, "..so I'd learned to have a sense of humour.". I'd like to see where you're going with this. Best wishes.

  4. #4
    Janice W-D
    Guest

    Re: MY CLUMSY EFFORT

    Prince,

    Read your work aloud. That will help you in many ways, including catching typos. I like the subtle humor and the voice.

    After a while my <u>juices</u> stopped their panicky surge ...

    Juices confused me a bit. I thought you'd launched into sweaty sex until I read the rest of the sentence.

    Best,
    Janice

  5. #5
    Janice W-D
    Guest

    Re: MY CLUMSY EFFORT

    I was waiting for you to finish it with, "..so I'd learned to have a sense of humour."

    I've gotta disagree with Page. Showing's usually better than telling. Since almost every sentence shows the narrator's sense of humor, telling us the same thing would be redundant and insult the reader. When we hit the reader over the head to drive our point home, it implies we think they're too stupid to understand what we meant unless we say it ten times.

    Best,
    Janice

  6. #6
    Battle Angel
    Guest

    Re: MY CLUMSY EFFORT

    I liked it. There're a couple of typos but, overall, I like where it's going.

  7. #7
    prince ronald
    Guest

    Re: MY CLUMSY EFFORT

    I can't take credit for that piece of work because it isn't mine. It's from a novel I'm reading. I could never write like that.

    The reason for this. I read Larry's two chapters and I decided to post that piece to get your reaction. I wanted to see how you'd critique it and I see that you found it excellent writing. There is a huge difference between Larry's work and the author of the piece I posted above.

    I hope you don't mind. As I said I just wanted to prove a point.

  8. #8
    Maisie Masson
    Guest

    Re: MY CLUMSY EFFORT

    Well, PR, it seems to me a rather selfish piece of point proving. Does it not occur to you that you are distracting from the work of people who are genuine in their efforts to find advice?

    Maisie

  9. #9
    A.L. Sirois
    Guest

    Re: MY CLUMSY EFFORT

    Prince, let me suggest that you stop screwing around with silly games and post your own work. Then cease insulting people back and forth -- are you an adult, or what? Your profile says you're in your 60s. How about acting like it? Until then, please STFU and do what you said you were here to do: learn.

    Otherwise you're no better than any of the other idiot trolls around here. And we have quite enough of them.

  10. #10
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: MY CLUMSY EFFORT

    plagiarized from "McNally's Secret" by Lawrence Sanders

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