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  1. #11
    Janice W-D

    Re: Opening scene for TEXAS TANGO

    Or even:
    you tried too hard there and ended up with ... not you're trying too hard

  2. #12

    Re: Opening scene for TEXAS TANGO

    Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and comment. This scene--moving Joe Fane from prison into the white limousine--has been polished so many times the chrome is wearing through. Although I'm satisfied with the over-all effect, I gotta admit I've been trepidatious about that first paragraph ever since it spilled onto the page. It's obvious now I'm not done with it.

    Much obliged. You're a great bunch.

  3. #13
    sam albion

    Re: Opening scene for TEXAS TANGO

    When the bus stopped for him outside the Briscoe Prison wall, it was already running late. By the time it reached Houston, darkness had fallen.
    Joe Fane stepped off into a humid summer night, the Fanin Street terminal noisy with blue-collar workers making the shift change.
    He had to pee.

    ...makes more sense? Just my opinion...

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