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  1. #1
    Jennifer Million
    Guest

    Is the story line well?

    This is raw... I know there is some grammar errors that need corrected, but what I want is an honest opinion whether the story line is good?

    My grandmother always told me I was special. At the time, I didn’t know why she said this. Hell, most of the time I thought I was closer to a freak, then anything else. Never once did I tell her about my dreams in fact, no one knew for that matter, but I always wonder if she knew something, she wasn’t telling me. It turns out before she died I was right.

    It was a starless night, and the skies thundered while I tossed in turned in my full size bed. I dreamed about my grandma that night sleeping in her chair. In my dream I walked up to her chair to wake her, but she never stirred. She sunk in her blue recliner; her skin was cold, and losing all color.

    My eyes flew open, and I trembled, shaking my head, and screamed out the words, “No, not her!” Of course, my parents flew into my room and asked the lame questions did you have a nightmare? Then the other question, what was it about sweetheart?


    Even at the age of five, I knew never to tell them what I was dreaming about. I saw a lot of crazy things like my mother running over our cat with the car. My neighbor was clutching her chest because she was having a heart attack. My dad sleeping with the secretary at the office, and mom finding the love letters the woman sent. All the events came true and I knew not to tell them one single thing. So, my ten-year-old mind made up a quick story about something I saw on television and everything was right again. They left me to my thoughts and I refused to sleep.



  2. #2
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: Is the story line well?

    Jennifer,

    This question is for fun. Are you asking whether your excerpt is well, or good? You've said it both ways.

    This is a serious question. Why do you post material full of grammar, punctuation, and other errors? You seem to ignore things aside as if they're beneath you.

    I don't doubt you're serious about writing. But spelling, grammar, etc are basic to the undertaking. As others have said more than once in other threads, those things are the brick and mortar of a tale.

    I debated whether to answer your question, owing to the above issues. Decided I would. For this reader, it's not a compelling opening. The dream, for one thing. That's not the only thing, though.

    Get your reader into the tale well before you shove a dream down her throat. Seriously.

    Take writing classes if they're available in your area. Read like crazy. It can't be very hard to learn the difference 'tween "then" and "than." The difference between "is" and "are" isn't an unplumbed mystery. I don't intend to be mean, but your writing and storytelling ability is at the very beginning level.

    Nothing wrong with that. Everyone started from scratch. Trouble is, you're still scratching. I understand if that sounds harsh. I'm trying to get you to sit back and think. And work on basics.

    Feel free to ignore.

    Cur

  3. #3
    Sam English
    Guest

    Re: Is the story line well?

    Most here ask that posters post their best, most polished work. You've posted before so you should know this. Critique is damn near impossible if we don't know what you're capable of and have to spend our valuable time pointing out grammar, spelling, structure and punctuation errors. So posting something "raw" is a waste of time.

    "Story lines" are a dime a dozen and almost all can be "good" if they are told well. All that aside...look at the title of your post. Then look at the first sentence of your post: "I know there is some grammar errors..." Do you even know what's wrong with that sentence? If you don't and want your writing to be taken seriously, then you had better learn. It is apparent that you want to and like to write. No offense meant, but, in fact, you do not write well. So until you are willing to learn to do that, 'story line' won't make a lick of difference unless you are writing only for yourself and the love of the craft.

  4. #4
    Janice W-D
    Guest

    Re: Is the story line well?

    Jennifer,

    Amen to the other posters' comments on your grammar & punctuation errors. You don't seem to believe us when we tell you repeatedly that such mistakes make it impossible for us to sink into the story and evaluate it.

    This is how you force us to experience your work (made up example):

    Mary sang STOP all the JERK way to SCHREECHING HALT school.

    Our brains show us your words <u>and</u> what's wrong with them at the same time. The struggle to understand what you really meant quickly becomes tedious and exhausting. Eventually, your words morph into gibberish. Here's an example excerpted from your post:

    ================
    Never once did I tell her about my dreams in fact HUH?-SAY-WHAT?-REREAD Never once did I tell her about my dreams in fact, OK,-I SEE-WHAT'S-WRONG:-MISPLACED-COMMA. no one knew for that matter, but I always wonder if she knew HUH?-REREAD-always wonder if she knew OK-I-SEE-NOW-MIXING-PRESENT-AND-PAST-TENSE something, WRONGOREMOVETHISCOMMAANDINSERTITONTHEPREVIOUSLINE she wasn’t telling me.
    ================

    Are your characters and plot interesting? We'd like to find out but you won't let us.

    I'm not being cruel. I'm just giving you a shot of much needed tough love.

    Best,
    Janice

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