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  1. #11
    Robert Wilson

    Re: Feedback on Chops

    I liked it. I did not find the humor to be out of place.

    Reading it made me want to read more.


  2. #12
    Stephen Holak

    Re: Feedback on Chops

    junel ;-)

    Thanks for your interest.

    The first chapter is a mess; I tried to cram character development and "show not tell" backstory into it, and it didn't work. I solved the problem by creating a prologue with a few short and simple newspaper articles that introduce:
    -- the initial problems: (Jordan's pregnant wife is missing) and
    --develop his character (he assaults a reporter who implies that Jordan is responsible; he gets goaded into a profanity-laced tirade on Larry King Live),
    --advance the plot to the first chapter taking-off point (both Jordan and his wife's families are wealthy and powerful in NC circles, and after six months with no clue, and no ransom note -- the initial law-enforcement theory -- LE and public suspicions turn to Jordan, which ratchets him up tighter because he wants LE to focus on the real issues, and not him)

    The news articles supply the usual sketchy bios of the principles and their backgrounds, as well the opportunity to start the story "In medias res", which is when the FBI (who do not get involved in local missing persons; only when state lines or federal property intersect, which allows some plot points to launch) show up with the first real evidence in the case, which starts the protagonist down the road to heck.

    The problem is the first chapter has not been re-written to reflect this, and sits in its very sucky state.

    I will, however, send you the plot outline if you PM me at steve.holak at gmail.


  3. #13
    A.L. Sirois

    Re: Feedback on Chops

    I don't usually read these snippets because most of them aren't much good. Yours, however, kept my interest. I agree with the more positive comments above. About the cellphone in the rain... I have a friend whose phone doesn't seem to have much of a problem with getting wet. So I guess it depends on the make/model.

    I do agree with Sam's point about the cultural references. I only know who Jack Bauer is because I have friends who watch that show. Otherwise, I'd be clueless. There are some people out here who don't have any interest in TV, you know.

  4. #14
    Stephen Holak

    Re: Feedback on Chops

    Thanks, A.L. your feedback's encouraging.

    The Jack Bauer thing: it seems obvious now; it was a forest / trees thing at the time. "24" is serious crack, despite the credibility-stretching plots. Jordan needed an image to reflect his view of the ridiculous and implausible situation he found himself in, and how more perfectly ridiculous can you get than an implausible-but-deadly-serious image of JB rushing recklessly to take out a nest of bad guys and save the day, armed only with a cell phone?

    It's perfect *if* it's a familiar cultural reference to the reader. Oops.

  5. #15
    A.L. Sirois

    Re: Feedback on Chops

    Got your e-mail, by the way, and will respond.

  6. #16
    sam albion

    Re: Feedback on Chops

    ..I liked it, myself. Yes, the grown bit must be "had grown", or "grew", or something, I agree with that, and I also agree with eerie gloom. Perhaps alter the sentence so the mansion is occasionally lit by lighting, but beyond those minor gripes I like it. Very... thriller-esque, in my humble opinion.

    ...I assumed Jack Bauer was a fictitious character in your novel. Reading other posts in this thread that seems not to be the case. Would the average reader know who he is?

    Yes, worth continuing with, I reckon. Most definately.

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