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  1. #1
    Howard Schwartz
    Guest

    Return to Superior, first nightmare (thanks to your help)

    “Maybe we would be more comfortable if we went to my bedroom.” Carrie whispered.

    I froze with anticipation, hoping I was not going to wake up from a

    dream. Carrie grabbed my hand and led me to her bedroom. She slowly unbuttoned my shirt, nudging it apart as her

    lips trailed down my chest. Running her hands up under the shirt, she traced the curves and valleys of my stomach

    before sliding her hands over my shoulders and down my arms, pushing it my shirt off. I couldn't speak and I had to

    remind myself to breathe. Her hand continued down until it was under the top of my slacks, slowly reaching below

    the belt. We lay down on her bed, taking our time undressing.

    “I feel fortunate, you are a very beautiful woman.” I whispered in her ear.

    “I’ve been waiting years for this to happen for us again.” Carrie whispered back.

    At first I didn't understand what she had just said, but I didn't want to speak and break the mood.

    Everything progressed in a precise manner; I don’t think I’ve accomplished anything up to this time of my life that

    seemed as natural and I wanted as badly to try to make last forever. When we were both finally exhausted, Carrie

    fell asleep with her head lying in my arms.

    I thought about how fortunate I was to have met someone as unique as Carrie. If this relationship were to never go

    further, it would still be memorable. There are no words that can describe the feeling I had experienced.

    I listened intently to her breathing; it reminded me of a cat purring because of her content sound. I reached across

    her body and pulled her covers over both of us, feeling warm and fulfilled.

    Little did I know, that feeling would be short lived.


    (dream)

    I raised my hand to shield my eyes from the sun’s bright intensity. A noise far off in the distance, sounded like it

    was approaching from across the lake. The wind had picked up along with the size of the waves and I noticed the

    sky darkening.

    Several objects moved closer to shore. I thought it could be debris from a storm, but as it continued closer-I

    realized what it was.

    Dead bodies, stiff and bloated, eyes frozen open

    Returning to where they first started, weeks after the deadly storm ended.

    Arriving frozen in life jackets, frozen together in clusters and in numbers that continued to swell.

    Draped over life preservers and wrapped in each other’s arms. The lifeboats occupied by soulless bodies,

    unconcerned by what awaited them. Their faces covered with ice but I recognize them and somehow knew them as

    friends.

    Then a voice emerged in my head.

    "Sara, why have you never attempted to help us?"

    Carrie bolted up from her nightmare, not remembering where she was. Sweating profusely, with her heart beating as

    if it wanted to exit her chest, she slowly understood that she had been dreaming.

    She also remembered why this dream seemed so familiar



  2. #2
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: Return to Superior, first nightmare (thanks to your help)

    Hi Howard! It's so great to see someone who wants critique and is willing to learn. So here's a few suggestions:

    First, a simple correction: pushing it my shirt off should be pushing my shirt off

    Everything progressed in a precise manner Um, Icky - very clinical. You do not want that. I don’t think I’ve accomplished anything up to this time my life that seemed as natural Try: Making love to her was the easiest and most natural thing I've ever done in my life.

    I wanted as badly to try to make last forever. Suggestion: I never wanted this night to end -or- I wanted to stay here with her like this, forever. Something along those lines.

    Writing love scenes can be very hard for some people. But if you're going to write them, you have to let go and really write them. If you're not going to write the actual sex act, that fine, a lot of writers don't. But you still have to convey the emotions and sensations somehow. Try reading a few Harlequinn (sp?) or other similar romance novels. Those can give you an idea of how it's done.

    If you do want to write erotic scenarios - going in-depth, so to speak - then you need to study romantica/erotica novels. And you have to push your inhibitions aside, and you will have to use words you may or may not be comfortable with.

    Because you are wanting to learn and are open to suggestion, studying these types of novels will help you a lot.

    I really like the dream part, it adds a whole new dimension.

    Lea

  3. #3
    Janice W-D
    Guest

    Re: Return to Superior, first nightmare (thanks to your help)

    Howard,

    A great resource that covers every kind of sex scene from prudish to porno:

    THE JOY of WRITING SEX: Interviews, Examples and Advice from Today's Most Celebrated Writers (Revised and Updated 2002) - Elizabeth BENEDICT

    Best,
    Janice

  4. #4
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: Return to Superior, first nightmare (thanks to your help)

    Howard,

    I agree with the comments above.

    Some additional thoughts---

    Your opening phrase is borderline cliche. Give thought to changing it to something more original.

    You want a comma, not a period, after "bedroom."

    "...hoping I was not going to wake up from a dream" is borderline cliche.

    The rest of that paragraph is she did this, she did that. For this reader, there's no emotion. It reads like a Mapquest list of directions of how to get from one place to another. Most adults sorta know the route.

    The next two lines of dialogue don't seem to me how people really talk. Now, before you get upset, perhaps this is not the opening of your tale. Maybe these two characters actually do talk this way. But if they do, it needs to fit their character. Otherwise, dialogue may be something to practice. (You still need to use commas, not periods at the end of dialogue if you're going to add a tag line.)

    "...didn't want to speak and break the mood." Again, borderline cliche.

    I don't wanna continue to sandpaper you. So, I'll stop there.

    Spend time looking for more fresh ways to say things.

    Hope this helps. Don't give up. Keep at it. Writing's a little like a march through the Sahara. Lonely. Discouraging. But way cool when you stumble across an oasis. Keep trudgin'.

    Feel free to ignore.

    Cur

  5. #5
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: Return to Superior, first nightmare (thanks to your help)

    Howard,

    I forgot---

    I didn't read the dream sequence. That's a personal bias. But, if this is the beginning of your tale, I'm not at all sure you wanna jam in a dream. It's been done to death. Not your dream, the notion of a dream early on in a tale.

    Cur

  6. #6
    Janice W-D
    Guest

    Re: Return to Superior, first nightmare (thanks to your help)

    Cur wrote:

    For this reader, there's no emotion. It reads like a Mapquest list of directions of how to get from one place to another. Most adults sorta know the route.

    LOL! A fanTABulous description of why many (unpublished) sex scenes fall flat. You never want the last two words in a bedroom, yours or the character's, especially if your V*agra prescription has run out.

    Best,
    Janice

  7. #7
    Howard Schwartz
    Guest

    Re: Return to Superior, first nightmare (thanks to your help)

    I am not offended by any criticism. You guys are great and I realize the shortcomings of my writing ability. If anything I would like to see more, I can always decided if I think it is too much. This part of the story is not the beginning, it happens at about the 50th page and is the start of the mystery.
    Thank you!

  8. #8
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Return to Superior, first nightmare (thanks to your help)

    Howard,

    Your "sex" scene leaves much to be desired. You have her touching his skin which is nice. She slowly starts reaching below the belt and then -- bam, they're smoking cigarettes(so to speak). C'mon! Let loose a little. Use all the senses. What her skin feels like, what are the smells, what is she wearing under her clothes, how wet she is, how turned on he is, how much they want each other, how does that feel? What kind of sounds are going on? Let passion show in your writing. Use some of your own experiences. Get yourself hot and bothered and write about it. Ask women what they feel like when they're hot? Make the reader want some of that! It doesn't have to be sleazy and pornish to be hot and sexy.

    ~Bea

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