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  1. #1
    Christine Starke

    Looking for query critique. Can anyone please help?

    Dear _________________,

    I would like you to take a look at my completed 145,000 word suspence romance
    novel, Forbidden Sun. It is the first of a trilogy that I am writing. At the present
    time, the sequel is just being started and I have the entire third book outlined.
    According to the listed requirements in the Writers’ Market reference
    book, and also on your web site, this novel fits the criteria you are looking for.

    What would you do if your entire world was ripped apart by a clan of
    vampires who are targeting you to join them in the underworld? That is the
    decision that Chloe has to make after she meets Gavin. When two of her friends
    are mysteriously attacked by a wolf in their quiet urban town, and her best
    friend goes missing, Chloe turns to her new beau Gavin for comfort. Gavin is a
    member of the ELS, a large clan of vampires that have moved to the United
    States, from England, in order to save themselves from a brutal demise.

    When Gavin Chase sets his sights on Chloe Cranston, he decides that he
    wants to get her to join his clan in the underworld. He chooses two of his fellow
    clan members to assist him in gaining her trust and convincing her to join them.
    When his assistant, Rory, convinces himself that he's in love and needs to be
    her mate, he will stop at nothing to welcome her into his dark world.

    After Chloe’s friends fall prey to the secret clan, she turns to Gavin to help
    her cope. Seeing her agony makes Gavin feel an emotion he’s never experienced
    before, regret. When she is kidnapped in the middle if night and taken to an
    underground cell, Gavin and his other assistant, Raine, run to her rescue.
    While being held captive, she finds out what happened to her best friend and is
    warned about Gavins’ involvement in the situation.

    Raine helps Chloe escape, while Gavin creates a diversion, and takes her
    to a hotel where they must wait for Gavin to meet them. When he arrives, he
    explains the situation to her and reveals his dark secret. Her feelings for him
    keep her from running away, but she needs to find a way to save her best
    friend from her cursed afterlife. The only way to do that is by killing her creator,
    who is the leader of the society and Gavin’s creator as well.

    Chloe’s determination and loyalty drive her to devise a plan with the help of
    Gavin and Raine in order to save two of the people she loves. When she faces the
    entire clan to condemn them to death in order to save her friends, she is faced with
    the challenge of a lifetime that may result in death or everlasting life.

    I have been writing fiction for 9 years now, mostly for myself and my family,
    and have yet to send anything in for publication. However, the town that my story
    takes place in, Wilmington, Massachusetts, is the town I was born and raised in.
    The places in my novel are all actual locations within and around the town and I
    have recieved permission from the establishments that I have used in detail to be used
    in this story.

    If you would be interested in reading my entire, completed manuscript, I
    have provided a SASE for your request. Thank you for your time and considering
    my novel, Forbidden Sun. I look forward to hearing from you.

    Christine Starke

  2. #2
    Smiling Curmudgeon

    Re: Looking for query critique. Can anyone please help?


    Some quick thoughts---

    There are lots of threads in the "Literary Agents" room in this creaky old house. You'll learn a lot about queries if you spend time reviewing a bunch of them.

    Except for word count and title, consider deleting your first paragraph. Your dream agent knows you're looking for representation. You can discuss sequels when an agent expresses interest in your first book.

    The body of your Q is way too long. A query is a business letter. One page, and that includes address, close, etc.

    What you have, for this reader, doesn't reveal a "voice" that might make your writing new and refreshing. The writing seems to me to be pretty flat. More of a short synopsis than a Q which will make an agent's pulse rise.

    Consider deleting your next-to-last paragraph. Your dream agent won't give a rip about any of it. All she wants to know is whether you have a story she thinks she wants to read.

    Hope this helps.

    Feel free to ignore.


    You may wish to ponder what "middle if night" means. Thazz a nit, but fix it.

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