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Thread: Rate my book!!!

  1. #1
    Steve McLeod
    Guest

    Rate my book!!!

    OK, I lie, not the entire book, just the first few opening paragraphs

    After getting some thoughts on my first thread a few people suggested posting up a sample to get a more realistic opinion of it than my own, and I promise to try and be receptive of any criticism....unless everyone says it sucks big time and then I'll run off screaming to the hills and become a recluse writing the worlds greatest novels to never be published!

    Anyway, on to the book. As I say, this is the first few paragraphs. The story is aimed at kids, around the 10 yr old range, although I would hope it would appeal to anyone who is a fan of sci-fi and fantasy. I hope I've got the rules correct for posting, someone please point it out if not

    --------------------------------------------

    Katie G and The Aliens

    Approaching….

    Deep in the darkest corners of Outer Space, where nothing stirred……..something stirred.

    In deep space, the ship moved steadily towards its destination, the twinkling green and blue orb that was the Earth. Large, black and with numerous scary looking pointy bits that gave the impression of power, the ship had an ominous feel to it. As the vessel carried on it’s inexorable journey, the life forms on the small blue green planet knew nothing about what was approaching.

    Chapter 1 – The Ship

    As the ship moved closer, the laser cannons on her left wing shot out, screaming towards the enemy, raking it with blistering flame and enormously loud explosions.

    Katie shut off the small part of her mind that pointed out that she shouldn’t be able to hear any explosions in space and let herself relax into the game. Swooping off to the left of her current position, she let loose with a flurry of neutron torpedoes and smiled with just a tiny amount of smugness as she watched the ship on her screen explode into a million pieces of floating debris.

    Looking up from her screen, it was almost three o’clock. She’d be here soon, Katie knew, perhaps she had better start getting ready herself, but as always, there was one more Plotzian Death Cruiser to destroy. Reaching for her keyboard Katie flipped through the manual for Plotzian Space Control to see if there was any clue as to what ship she would be facing next and what tactics to use. If she was going to be honest with herself, Plotzian Space Control wasn’t really that good a game, only the end bosses for each sector of space gave any real challenge and even then not much. She was tempted to just re-install Exponential Decay 2 and replay that on the hardest setting instead.

    Two mintes later Katie was just reaching out for her keyboard once more when a voice called up from the stairwell.

    “Katie! Your Gran’s here come and say hello!” Katie sighed to herself. Time to get this over with. Quickly powering down her computer, Katie took a deep breath and called out.

    “Ok Mum, I’ll be there in a minute.”


    The ship moved slowly onwards to its destination, a part of the galaxy far from its place of origin. All aboard the ship, the crew started to stir from their frozen slumber as the computers started to beep and flash, triggered by their sensors telling that the Earth was close and now was the time to awaken the crew. Tendrils of frost-ridden vapours curled around the outside of the capsules as they opened, one by one with a deep thunk and a pink tentacled finger flickered across the frosted window.


    Pink. Why did it have to be pink.

    Katie looked down at the jumper her Grandmother had given her and sighed very quietly to herself. She looked up at the doting old woman and flashed her best fake-smile, the one she used for occasions just like this.

    “Thank you Grandma, it’s lovely,” she said, smiling sweetly at her Gran. Katie was getting to be a real professional when it came to dealing with her Gran now. She knew just the right tone of voice and sickly smile needed to get Grandma on her side for that all-important “extra present.” Sure enough, her Gran was reaching for her purse.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    So, feel free to now rip me apart



  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: Rate my book!!!

    Is this going to be some kind of "Last Starfighter" situation where the game turns out to be real and Katie is the only hope for salvation?

    Katie shut off the small part of her mind that pointed out that she shouldn’t be able to hear any explosions in space and let herself relax into the game.

    I don't think you need the second "that" but no one pays me $30/hour for editing either.

  3. #3
    Joe Zeff
    Guest

    Re: Rate my book!!!

    Well let's start off with the fact that as viewed from space, the Earth doesn't twinkle, as that's an artifact of moving atmosphere. Then, when you talk about "screaming laser beams" and "loud explosions" in a vacuum, you lost my interest.

    My rating, D -, for a combination of bad science and punctuation errors.

  4. #4
    martin shaw
    Guest

    Re: Rate my book!!!

    You had me on scary looking pointy bits!!

    Look, you gotta place this to one side dude then write some more.....then go back again to sort it over and over and over and over... and so on and so on....like a rolling programme ya-no.

    Do your best and post it. A peice this long with your skills is about three hours work at a time of three or maybe even four days.

  5. #5
    Jean Bonifacios
    Guest

    Re: Rate my book!!!

    I'm not rating it because I already know your book isn't finished. A critique will mess with your mind, man! I already told you that. Finish your book and quit throwing away what you write!

  6. #6
    Nichole Blackfinch
    Guest

    Re: Rate my book!!!

    I'll leave the critique to the pros here, but as a kid who loved video games and was always being interrupted for dinner or a chore or something, I can sympathize with your character. Most kids would probably look up the tactics and updated cheats in a separate window as they played instead of using a manual, but I think that's a pretty minor thing...

  7. #7
    Battle Angel
    Guest

    Re: Rate my book!!!

    "Then, when you talk about "screaming laser beams" and "loud explosions" in a vacuum, you lost my interest."

    Joe, if you'd read the next line you would have seen this:

    "Katie shut off the small part of her mind that pointed out that she shouldn’t be able to hear any explosions in space and let herself relax into the game."

    She's playing a video game.

    Steve, I'm not a sci-fi fan but I found this piece interesting. Even if it does turn out to be in the realm of The Last Starfighter. Any kids reading this story today will never have heard of The Last Starfighter, anyway. You probably have some leeway. But then, what do I know?

  8. #8
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: Rate my book!!!

    Any kids reading this story today will never have heard of The Last Starfighter, anyway.

    Better hurry because I think Hollywood is remaking it. They remake everything these days.

  9. #9
    Joe Zeff
    Guest

    Re: Rate my book!!!

    OK, it's a game. Knowing that, I read the rest. Not bad, as such things go. Still, I'm probably not the only person who's going to stop reading before they find out it's a game. And, from what I can tell, the complaint about the Earth twinkling still holds as that's not part of the game.

    BTW, Rogue, didn't you know that everybody in Hollywood wants to be the first person to be the second person to do something?

  10. #10
    Steve McLeod
    Guest

    Re: Rate my book!!!

    Thanks for the replies all, it's much appreciated

    Tbh, I was more after some feedback on the subject of "does this stick to all hell like I think it does or is it actually ok and I'm being way too hard on myself" Reading some of the replies actually makes me feel a little better about writing it now!

    I know there are some things that need changing, this would be just a first draft after all, and I agree totally about the twinkling earth, I should have spotted that one myself Same applies with the grammar and punctuation, these are all things that I will sort out after I've finished writing it and go back through it to edit it.

    And for the record, no, it's nothing to do with the Last Starfighter!! LOL I know that film very well and the storyline I have in mind is nothing like that! Saying that though, the comment about the film did give me an idea that I can use in the storyline

    Again thought, many thanks for the comments, I actually feel a little more confident about writing it now

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