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  1. #1
    Allen Scott
    Guest

    Would you grade this snippit for me?

    I'm working on a memoir. This is a sample of my style:

    Iíve been with my wife Elizabeth for 22 years plus. We were married a tad over nine years ago in Las Vegas on voting day of 2000. It was a surreal vacation/honeymoon Iíll get to later. Elizabeth is 5'8", 130 pounds, jet black (thatís her story and she will stick to it) waist length medium curly hair, age secretive, sharply dressed out, half Latina for sure, half white Iíd guess, an elegant and powerful public persona, and sharp as a tack, most likely genius, with all things emotional though she couldnít balance a checkbook. She is my wife, my business partner, our pet/zoo tender and a splendid housewife and lover. She has refused to upgrade from me so far though it would be easy as she turns heads with her radiant attractiveness. She has managed maternity shops and other girly stores before we retired her from the workaday life. She is always the most beautiful woman in the room and thatís not just my loving opinion. Elizabeth is a preoperative transsexual man who has had her first name changed and files taxes married jointly. As we remember it sex was not a question on the Nevada Wedding Application in 1996 and it wasnít a large social issue and nobody noticed or cared if they did.

    We are considered a powerful couple and a dynamic team in our circles, some who know there is much illusion before them. There is so much, much more illusion than most know but Iíll get to that later. Up until now there were only five people that have known us/me/her transparently and they still get caught flatfooted when we duck and roll or leapfrog a roadblock to reach our desires or avoid getting beat to hell by life with and without some measure of success.

    Let the slamming begin. Thanks for your time. Allen.



  2. #2
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: Would you grade this snippit for me?

    Allen - To start, too many run-on sentences.

    much illusion is very awkward.

    Up until now there were only five people that have known us/me/her transparently and they still get caught flatfooted when we duck and roll or leapfrog a roadblock to reach our desires or avoid getting beat to hell by life with and without some measure of success.

    Just a suggestion since I'm not a grammar expert: Until now only five people have know about our situation. And here's the natural follow-up question, how many people know about you now?

    As for the rest of the paragraph I'm not sure what you're trying to describe. Are you talking about how you've had to hide your situation from other friends, family or business acquaintances? Are you talking about the prejudices you've had to face?

    Again, JMO. Good luck.

  3. #3
    Sam English
    Guest

    Re: Would you grade this snippit for me?

    "Elizabeth is a preoperative transsexual man..." is where your story begins, but I don't think many will get that far because everything before it is "telling", grocery-list description.

  4. #4
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Would you grade this snippit for me?

    That first paragraph jumps all over the place; you need some focus. And that fourth sentence...it's a lulu. Dice that sentence into three.

    Remove yourself entirely from that first paragraph until the last sentence. Nothing about you or your marriage to her or how she could upgrade from you - just describe present-day Elizabeth, her beauty and accomplishments, and lose the "girly stores" sentence, and the name change and taxes. Then the last sentence, "Elizabeth is also a preoperative transexual man and my wife of nine years." By the way, is there a difference between transexual and transgender? Is transgender the right word? So, like this:

    Elizabeth is a stunning woman...yada, yada...she's perceptive and insightful...yada yada...magnetic personality...yada yada...helpful and kind...yada yada. Elizabeth is also a preoperative transexual man and my wife of nine years.

    You might want to draw this out much more, say follow Elizabeth through an hour or two of a busy day SHOWING her personality, beauty, and intelligence. And when she gets home to you, THEN you spring the surprise as narrator. I think that would be much better.

    The second paragraph, I have next to no clue what you're trying to say. Better re-group on that one.

  5. #5
    Frank Baron
    Guest

    Re: Would you grade this snippit for me?

    Why are you guessing as to her ancestry? Was she adopted?

  6. #6
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Would you grade this snippit for me?

    I'm thinking Elizabeth probably knew her mother, but not her father, and her mother didn't tell Elizabeth who her father was for whatever reason. But yeah, that's another writing hiccup. Don't want to think that hard when I'm reading.

  7. #7
    Allen Scott
    Guest

    Re: Would you grade this snippit for me?

    Those are interesting and helpful comments I think. FYI-Transsexual is the correct terminology John but as it confused you I'll assume it will confuse many. And yes John, Beth knows her mother but not her father. She was concieved in an extramarital affair and mom won't give up the goods on who daddy was.

    These two paragraphs are a few pages into the writing and not the main story. The memoir is mine and Beth's sexual identity gets little paper time so I'll try to add clarity to her personal situation.


    Iíve been with my love, Elizabeth, for over 22 years. Her name has been legally changed. She is a man. She feels and lives as a woman. She has not has gender reassignment surgery because that usually ends one's sex drive and that would be a tragedy. She is 5'8", 130 pounds with jet-black waist-length hair that curls gently. She won't tell you her age and you will guess low. She is a sharp dresser and is always well put together when out in public. She is half Latina for sure and half caucasion we guess as she is quite light-skinned. Her mother won't tell who the affair was with. Beth is an elegant and powerful public persona. She is sharp as a tack, most likely genius, with all things emotional and is my "feelings" toutor. She couldnít balance a checkbook if our lives depended on it. She is my greatest treasure and I will protect her. She is my business partner. She is our in-home zoo tender and a splendid housewife and lover. She has refused to upgrade from me-to my pleased amazement-though it would be easy as she turns heads with her radiant attractiveness and catches favour with her classy ways. She has managed maternity shops and other female oriented stores without being exposed before we retired her from the workaday life. She is always the most beautiful woman in the room and thatís not just my loving opinion. We were married a tad over nine years ago in Las Vegas on voting day of 2000. As we remember it gender was not a question on the Nevada Wedding Application in 1996 nor was gay-marriage a large social issue. Nobody noticed or cared if they did. It was a surreal honeymoon Iíll get to later.

    We are considered a couple not to mess with. When we team up we are nearly unstoppable in any endeavor. In our intimate social circles there are some who know there is illusion before them. There is so much more illusion than most know but Iíll get to that later. At this time there are only five people that know us transparently. Danger surrounds us in many forms for many reasons, her privacy and our outlaw life being only the start. That is why the pseudonyms are used. We have become quite skilled in our illusions to avoid getting beat to hell by the ignorances and injustices this life and the law can deliver. So far we have enjoyed great success.


    Better crew?

  8. #8
    Allen Scott
    Guest

    Re: Would you grade this snippit for me?

    I would add "as well" in the second paragraph after "but I'll get to that later".

  9. #9
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Would you grade this snippit for me?

    And that is a perfect example of what is wrong with the writing. You think "as well" actually adds something.

  10. #10
    Allen Scott
    Guest

    Re: Would you grade this snippit for me?

    Thanks for the input leslee.

    My intent was to tie the "It was a surreal honeymoon Iíll get to later." at the end of the first paragraph with the "There is so much more illusion than most know but Iíll get to that later." early in the second. It just sounded odd to me to say those two things so close together.

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