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  1. #11
    Book Werm
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    The man's walk had the intensity of hell?
    The orphanage had the intensity of hell?
    The front doors of the orphanage had the intensity of hell?

    Of course I know what you are trying to say. But the difference between amateurish writing and professional is some knowledge of sentence structure. I think the above is an example of a dangling participle.

    All suggestions by WN members were worthwhile.



  2. #12
    Jeanne Gassman
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    Start with a stronger sentence:

    "Hell marched through the front doors of the orphanage."

    Then give us a description of the man himself.

    Just my thoughts...

    Jeanne

  3. #13
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    nice, jeanne

  4. #14
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    Adding some meat to Jeanne's sentence: "Hell, [b] brandishing a pitchfork,[/i] marched through the front doors of the orphanage."

    No, I guess not. :-)

    *_*

  5. #15
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    Yikes!!

    *_*

  6. #16
    Beautiful Loser
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    The man walked through the front doors of the orphanage with the intensity of hell.

    It doesn't show me what his facial expressions are.

    If I saw a man walking through the front doors of an orphanage, I think I'd describe his facial expressions to accurately reflect the intensity he is feeling when he arrives there.

    Lips pursed, teeth clenched, brows arched, nostrils flaring...come to mind if your man is under pressure.

  7. #17
    martin shaw
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    Dangling participles can work with back ground, but then again would not be a 'dangling participle' if it didn't confuse. In this intance it has given a choice; which I think is maybe what you are saying?

  8. #18
    . Castleman
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    Thanks for all the input!!! Been out this weekend and just saw these. I am going to repost this week sometime the first 2 paragraphs and see if I have improved any

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