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  1. #1
    . Castleman
    Guest

    Descriptive sentence, or too corny??

    This is the opening line of the MS (5 chapters complete). Part of me thinks it is very descriptive showing the seriousness and magnitude of the reason the man is there; another part of me believes it could come off corny and puffy.
    I am trying to say that literally the fate of the world rests on the meeting at this orphanage, so I want him to be very serious and inyense in his desire to bring the boy with him. However, I don't mean it to be that he comes through the front doors slamming doors and throwing things. I am thinking more about his facial looks.



    Please let me know how you perceive the image so i will know if I wrote it the way I want it to be read:


    The man walked through the front doors of the orphanage with the intensity of hell.

  2. #2
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence, or too corny??

    You say you're thinking more about his facial looks, but the words "walked"..."'with the intensity" would make us concentrate more on his feet than on his face, wouldn't it?

    (Yes, supposedly the eternal fires of hell can get pretty intense. All those crispy critters, getting crispier and crispier.)

    *_*

  3. #3
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence, or too corny??

    Here's my opinion.

    I see him stomping in ready to kick ass and take names. Either way, I don't think "walked" and "hell's intensity" really go together. Tell me he strode with purpose. Better yet, show how he enters oblivious to his surroundings and describe his face without listing.

    The man rolled into the lobby, jaw set and his eyes too locked in place to notice the wet floor signs to either side.

    Of course, yours will be better because you know your story. Don't tell what happens. Show it in a manner that draws the reader into the action and/or emotion. Again, just my .02. Luck.

  4. #4
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence, or too corny??

    I agree with Kitty & Keith (aww, those names sound cute together).

    I realize this is one sentence, but it's not delivering. Both Kitty & Keith referenced ALL the senses--not just walking (feet), and I agree. The verb walked is weak. Put a verb in there that makes us SEE something/feel something. You're throwing all the emotion into the phrase related to hell. We all have our own ideas about hell, I suppose but most people will conjure up fire and a trident. Focus on "the man's" (hopefully you'll use a name) body language so we can "see" what he's doing. BUT don't try to make this one sentence say everything. It just needs to draw the reader into the next sentence and the next one and so on.

    ~Bea

  5. #5
    Joe Zeff
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    "stalked"

  6. #6
    Gary Kessler
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    Yeah, I think Joe has the right word. You certainly don't walk with the intensity of hell.

    Or "burst."

  7. #7
    martin shaw
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    The man calmly walked through the doors of the orphanage, changing the atmosphere with the intensity of hell.

  8. #8
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    I don't know that you want an ly-ending adverb to be the third word of your manuscript. I'm sure it's been done a zillion times, but I'd advise a querying author against it.

  9. #9
    martin shaw
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    A tall man face ashen calmly walked through the doors of the orphanage, and brought with him the intensity of hell. Without question they all knew why he was there, with everyones eyes turning to the boy and giving the game away.

  10. #10
    martin shaw
    Guest

    Re: Descriptive sentence and too corny??

    Actually that should read.... A tall man face ashen calmly walked through the doors of the orphanage, bringing with him the intensity of hell. Without question .........

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