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  1. #1
    Don Daffron
    Guest

    critique first words

    The gale tore at him and he felt its bite deep within and he knew that if they did not make landfall in three days they would all be dead. Too many deaths on this voyage, he thought, I'm pilot of a dead fleet. One ship left out of five - eight and twenty men from a crew of one hundred and seven and now only ten can walk and the rest near death and our captain one of them. No food, almost no water and what there is, brackish and foul.



  2. #2
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: critique first words

    <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFDgSKbapzY>

  3. #3
    Jeanne Gassman
    Guest

    Re: critique first words

    My favorite book by Clavell!

    Jeanne

  4. #4
    Don Daffron
    Guest

    Re: critique first words

    I know who wrote it. I asked for critique.

  5. #5
    Ce Ce
    Guest

    Re: critique first words

    Why?

  6. #6
    the cat came back
    Guest

    Re: critique first words

    The first thing I noticed was the run on sentences which need to be corrected.

    Then, I wondered what the point of the passage was and where it fit into what.

  7. #7
    Don Daffron
    Guest

    Re: critique first words

    Not as much fun when the author is not going to see your post when you tear into him or her is it? The above is the first words from Shogun. It sold about eight million copies. There is always something to criticize if you want to tear others down.

  8. #8
    Lorelei Armstrong
    Guest

    Re: critique first words

    Okay, in that case the comment about the run-on sentences is right. There also seem to be rather a lot of numbers flying at me. I'd also debate the punctuation of the last sentence.

    Oh, and in your last post, a negative comparison uses "so." A positive comparison takes "as." It should be "Not so much fun when..."

    Still kinda fun.

  9. #9
    Josh Lemay
    Guest

    Re: critique first words

    I think you're mistaking fun for useful. Critiquing someone's work who won't read it, and doesn't need it since their stuff is already published, is kind of useless.

    Criticism isn't about tearing someone down, it's about showing them their mistakes(or strong points). If you don't know what these are, you can't work with them. If you do know what they are, you can try to maximize your strong points while minimizing the weak things, and write something that people will like.

  10. #10
    Gary Kessler
    Guest

    Re: critique first words

    We get this little game here frequently. Someone posts a passage from a published work and then waits for someone to tear it apart before pouncing and identifying the best-seller and best-selling author. It's all part of the "How can this crap be published with my brilliant prose isn't?" rant.

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