First Page

[shannon castleman]

This is the first page. The story will follow Rudy as he battles his anxiety disorder (of which I suffer in real life), while being drawn into a bigger battle: to save a Talisman that will allow all worlds to go on.

Any thoughts would be welcome!!


‘A man dying in your world is truly dead, but in other worlds those unique persons come, from time to time ,who can be reborn…….’ Rudy Hope woke at four a.m., sweating, with his heart pounding through his chest and the dream fading from his memory. He felt like bad things were going to happen very soon. (Rudy suffered from mild anxiety; seemingly innocent events, like this dream, could steer Rudy into allowing his anxiety to take control).
Rudy blamed the anxiety on never knowing his parents. He lived in a world where he detached himself from most people. When one got right down to it, Rudy thought being dropped off on the doorsteps of The Barnabas Knight Orphanage was reason enough to incur a few mental issues.
He sat on the end of the bed and calmed himself. The bedroom was one of ten on the second floor of the orphanage located in the small community of Jug Tavern, Georgia, fifteen miles west of the University of Georgia.
While Mr. Knight wasn’t necessarily mean to Rudy, the man wasn’t St. Nick either; he would tell Rudy nothing concerning how Rudy came to be at the orphanage. The owner of the orphanage was also very strict with Rudy in terms of what Rudy was allowed to get away with-more so than with the other kids, if you asked Rudy.
The situation always confused Rudy. Why would my parents love me enough to provide a great education, yet not love me enough to keep? He walked over to the window and looked out into the night. Were his parents living near here? Were they even alive? Rudy’s dream was to one day find out the full story about his parents.

[rock doctor]

Hey Shannon!

You sure a busy lady on here :-) Below are my thoughts.

1)Your first sentence, how about:
A man dying in your world is truly dead. In other worlds those unique persons come, from time to time, who can be reborn...

2)I would not use paranthetical phrases. Rudy's disorder in paratheses should be described actively in some way. His disorder is likely imperative to the story and his character development.

3)Do you need to be so specific about the location of the bedroom Rudy is sitting in? Is proximity to the University important? (like the orphanage was a research facility for psycologists at the University?...this is what is going through my head.)

I think you have a good start though.

cheers,
RD

[Jillian Eaton]

The first sentence really confused me... but it was part of his dream, so maybe it was supposed to?

Other than that, the number one thing that jumps out at me is you are telling waaaay too much. Instead of telling that your main character has an anxiety disorder in the fourth sentence of the first chapter, show the reader.

... he woke up the dream in a cold sweat with his pulse pounding ...

... his breath came in great heaving gasps ....

Erm, that's all I can up with for now but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say? Heh. I would also caution you not to give away too soon. Just in the first page we learn that:

1) Rudy has an anxiety disorder
2) He never knew his parents
3) He grew up in an orphanage
4) The owner of the orphanage is strict with Rudy

Just my two cents! Keep writing. Sounds like it could end up being a very interesting story.

[shannon castleman]

Rock,
Thanks for the input.

1. Shannon is a man, not a woman
2. I see what you mean by describing the bedroom.
3. The only reason I included the distance from the University is just to make it seem more realistic that a fourteen year old would be allowed to take a train in. Do you think that is too much though?
4. The orphanage will play a role, but its not associated with the school-although Rudy will need to be close enough to the school as the art museum WILL play a big role: a portal he will use to go back and forth.

I appreciate the input here.

[shannon castleman]

Thanks Jillian! I am still knew at this. I see your points about giving away too much too soon. My problem is trying to plant a hook without giving too much away. If I start out with the anxiety angle, could there be a hook in that?

Look forward to any further input

[Joe Trent]

Shannon,

Why not begin where the story starts? I don't know what to do with the first sentence. The next gives me the old "waking from a dream" cliche. Then a bunch of backstory/infodump.

Where does the action start? Take us there and work the other stuff in.

[rock doctor]

Shannon..eek, my apologies sir! With emphasis on the last word :-)

I agree with Joe there Shannon. Start where the action begins.

Also, in light of beginning with "action", I think you are "telling" too much about Rudy. Show his interaction, behavior, tendancies at the orphange. After all, anxiety disorder is diagnosed by a person's actions right? Folks don't automatically tell you they have it and say "fix me". Well, I guess some do. But, do you see my point?

I have no idea really where you are going with this, but Rudy's anxiety disorder isn't going to be is the issue I would bet, just complicates matters and increases doubts of others in Rudy's regard. So, maybe you could infer his disorder and get down to the real heart of the matter from the get-go.

keep at it,
RD

[shannon castleman]

Joe,

Thanks for the advice. As a new writer, I have a question for you. When you say where does the story start, can you give me an example? I chose to start the story with the dreams for two reasons: to introduce the anxiety and to foreshadow Rudy's journey as that dream foretells of soemthing to come.

Look forward to hearing your input.

[shannon castleman]

rock,

Thanks again for taking the time to offer advice. Let me clarify why the anxiety is included. I want the eventual "hero" to have to face death to save the world. Since I suffer from anxiety disorder myself, I figured giving that to Rudy would be something bthat I can hopefully throughout the book portray well. Plus, I was thinking that fear od death would be a great conflict for a lonely boy who will in fact have to face death in the end of the book.

Hope that helps a little. With that in mind, dos that make my page clearer? Or can you add some more advice?

Thanks!!

[rock doctor]

Here's a shot at getting to the disorder rather than spelling it out. Going from the sentence:

He felt like bad things were going to happen very soon. Looking at the clock, Rudy still had another two hours until Ms.X brought his medication. Whenever his heart started pounding like this, he knew it was downhill from there. He had to keep his mind from wandering, but he couldn't escape the most overwhelming question of his life. Why was he here in this god-forsaken home for children?

*** that is my attempt. See, you can hint in at the disorder here, and develop it later as situations unnerve Rudy and challenge him to endure.

cheers, RD