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  1. #11
    Anthony Ravenscroft

    Re: Looking for Constructive Critisim (shortened)

    BBW, I side with Cathy... except I don't feel she went half far enough.

    Anyone: go back & read it. It's too visual -- it's so visual that it's almost impossible for the reader to become attached to what's happening. It's like you're sitting back, watching a TV episode on a 7" screen. The events unfolding could be world-shaking for the story, or even transformative for the reader... but it's yawn-inducing, with a huge "who cares?" quotient.

    FWIW, "showing" DOES NOT mean sticking a bunch of decals on a static scene.

    Whether you know it or not, you're just sketching an outline of what happened, jotting down notes toward a story. Now you need to go back & actually TELL a STORY.

  2. #12
    Cammy Stevens

    Re: Looking for Constructive Critisim (shortened)

    I liked the prologue but I do agree it had a huge snooze factor. The childbirth stuff was too long. I liked the ending. I read the first but got bored and it wasn't until I snagged the line 'now find my son' at the end that I even went back wondering what I'd missed. You've got some good stuff, just get my attention first and keep it.

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