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  1. #1
    Bevon Reyaz
    Guest

    Considering Romance....

    The following is an extract from a book I\'m working on. I\'m a beginner to say the least and any feedback or guidance will be much appreciated.

    Book: The Color Of Blood
    Author: R. Jordan.

    I guess many would call it sad. I guess some may call it strange. But to me itís simply; life. Life, the inevitable cycle that every organism in this world goes through. For some its easy, for others excruciating. This is the story of James Underwood. Saying that he lived an unhappy life is suffocating if not unfair. How many people actually live a hundred years by seventeen? How many people do you know was born without life? Impossible you say? I can think of one. This is the story of that boy.
    ************************************************** ************************************************** *********************************

    Mia was cold, shivering under the flickering blue light of a gas station in Minnesota. Pulling tightly my jacket around her, I saw the frosted breath leave her lips. The rain poured from the sky as I looked up and exhaled, almost breathing in some of the cold water. We ran as far as we could. As long as we escaped the life that we once lived, it didnít matter that we may not survive the night. I put my arms around her and squeezed her tightly to quell her shivering. It took three nights of dodging bullets to finally escape. The only person that mattered to me, the only reason that life was worth living could probably die right in front of me. Looking deeply into her eyes I saw her pain, engraved in a past as pale as her skin and as dark as her eyes. Swimming in this dark brown ocean made my arms tremble and heart heavy.

    It is an intro used here, but it is part of Chapter 2 "Sketchy Beginnings" of the unfinished book. It is a fictionalized account as well based in the year 2000 in East Minnesota. The Book is Adventure/ Romance. It's about two characters with savagely ripped apart childhoods, that eventually find there way within eachother. James is the main character and the account of his story is written in third person apart from that first paragraph. Thats the general gist.
    PS: It's not about vampires



  2. #2
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: Considering Romance....

    It's difficult to judge a passage without knowing its context. For example, "three nights of dodging bullets" doesn't make much sense, but it might if we knew what preceded this.

    Post your opening paragraphs. That's the part agents will see.

  3. #3
    Lisa P
    Guest

    Re: Considering Romance....

    Bevon, I agree with jayce about not knowing the context. Still, a few things jumped out at me...

    I still think the first part feels out of place. I don't like when characters speak of themselves in the third person.
    It would read better IMO if you reworded the last part to something like this:

    My name is James Underwood. Saying that I've lived an unhappy life is suffocating if not unfair. How many people actually live a hundred years by seventeen? How many people born without life do you know? Impossible you say? I know of one. This is my story.

    But to me itís simply; life.
    Lose the semicolon.

    Pulling tightly my jacket around her
    This reads awkwardly, and you don't need tightly at all IMO because I assume he's trying to keep her warm.

    I looked up and exhaled, almost breathing in some of the cold water.
    Wouldn't you be inhaling if you're breathing in the water?

    It took three nights of dodging bullets to finally escape.
    So did three nights pass from the first sentence to this one, or is he referring to something that came before this? It's a little confusing without knowing what has already happened.

    I'm glad to hear it's not about vampires.
    Hope these comments help. I'm sure others will have more.

    ; )

  4. #4
    Bevon Reyaz
    Guest

    Re: Considering Romance....

    Thanks for the advice everyone. Will be adjusting my style and making necessary tweaks.

  5. #5
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: Considering Romance....

    Color of Blood? Does that mean it's about vampires? Argh.

  6. #6
    Bevon Reyaz
    Guest

    Re: Considering Romance....

    this is harder than i thought :S...... everytime i start reading back the book, it reminds me more and more of twilight. HUMPH!

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