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  1. #1
    Kathy Loop
    Guest

    Prolouge to Novel - Part Of It Please Critique!

    Prologue

    One of the first things you should know, is why did they name it Crystal Waters? Well it was over 50 years for certain. We were taught that it was named Crystal Waters by a human. The last remaining human and the only one who had contact with us merpeople. That is not for fact, but in history books we are taught that as well as from the elders’ stories.

    The city had been a large city called Defuniak Springs. Looking at the human maps, it is a very large city. I’d say it was much larger than our city now. The city of Defuniak had been flooded. Almost all of the humans moved away. It was the worst flood they ever experienced. They had no more hope or faith.

    As the story goes, a girl named Crystal Waters was the only one to survive in the area. She, much like me, wrote in a diary. It was left behind in the city after she left – or disappeared. Some say a greater being came down and took her to Heaven. If she was the only remaining in the city, how do we know that for sure? We do not know for sure! So much of this story is hard to believe in one way, but in another, we know it’s entirely possible. Some history books spoke of merpeople.
    Miss Crystal had been afloat on her raft and the rain eventually came to a light shower and stopped completely. This revealed a large, glorious, double rainbow that grew all across the sky.

    After a few weeks, the sunshine evaporated much of the water. Crystal was able to live again on solid ground. There was still plant life around, but for the most part, It’s wet and far from being dry. Of course, our city wouldnl’t be here if it wasn’t still flooded.

    Later in the story merpeople showed up and talked to her. She was independent and lived off the land. She had only one friend, a black wolf. It could not speak the same language, but stuck with her always. She named him Coal because of his black coat of fur.

    The first time Crystal spoke to a merman, he was around the surface. She seen him and spoke to him as if a normal man. Not realizing who was behind him, he spoke to her, and she seen his fins. He was shocked as much as her, but the merman knew it was too late to leave or she might follow. They became friends and he helped Crystal catch fish and fresh foods.

    Eventually, they fell in love with each other. A few months later, her family found her. The merman hid because he shouldn’t have even met her, let alone continue to be friend her. They insisted on her to come with them but refused. She was still young and had to abide by her parents rules.

    ************************************************** *8

    The main character is writing this in her journal, so it's all italic in the document. It's the beginning of the Prolouge.



  2. #2
    mar quesa
    Guest

    Re: Prolouge to Novel - Part Of It Please Critique!

    Kathy,

    This is just my opinion...

    I love your ideas. I find the merpeople subject intriguing. However, coming up with plot ideas is just a small part of the writing process, the rest is... writing. Maybe I'm wrong but I get the impression that the writing overwhelms you. Your narrative comes across as rushed and undeveloped —just like with the other excerpt you posted.

    I don't normally comment on grammar, but your grammar stands out as below par. There are a few things that you can do about it. You can buy books or search the we. However, I think that taking a course would be more beneficial because you'd have a teacher to guide you and answer your questions.

    One of the first things you should know, is why did they name it Crystal Waters?

    One of the things (that) you should know is why they named it Crystal Waters. However, I'd probably review this sentence further. Perhaps you can replace the it with a noun e.g. why they named this city. Crystal Waters- not a good sentence-just an idea.

    She seen him and spoke to him as if a normal man...

    Verb tense needs reviewing. She saw him and spoke to him as if he were a normal man? She spoke to him as if he were a normal man?

    Looking at the human maps, it is a very large city. I’d say it was much larger than our city now. The city of Defuniak had been...
    You mix present and past tense making this sentence confusing.


    There's a lot of repetition. Take a look a the word city for instance. It's mentioned 8 times!

    It’s wet and far from being dry.

    This is tautology: you're basically saying the same thing. It’s like saying, she’s angry and she’s far from being happy. What the...?

    Also, the voice is bland. It needs a personality. And, who's she talking to?

    You've got potential. Don’t give up. The journey of thousand miles and all that.

    Good luck!

  3. #3
    Kathy Loop
    Guest

    Re: Prolouge to Novel - Part Of It Please Critique!

    thanks! I'll review it!

  4. #4
    Kathy Loop
    Guest

    Re: Prolouge to Novel - Part Of It Please Critique!

    I wish I knew this information before I wrote a book! I am discovering I'm not very good at novel writing. I'm thinking about dividing that up into short story series. Little events that happen as the main point of the short stories. I know I have much work ahead of me. I don't know what the best thing to do is. I just finished editing but I know it has much work still to go through. AHHH!

    Thanks for the help. If anyone else has anything to help me please add it.

  5. #5
    Gregory White
    Guest

    Re: Prolouge to Novel - Part Of It Please Critique!

    Crystal Waters. Hmm. Found her on Wikipedia but 100% Pure Love is now stuck in my head.

    Crystal Waters (born October 10, 1964 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania) is an American dance music singer and songwriter. She is the great-niece of legendary singer/actress Ethel Waters. Waters enjoyed three major pop–dance hits in the early/mid '90s: "Gypsy Woman (She's Homeless)" (1991), "100% Pure Love" (1994) and "Say... If You Feel Alright" (1997).

    sorry...just had to go there.

  6. #6
    Kathy Loop
    Guest

    Re: Prolouge to Novel - Part Of It Please Critique!

    LOL. I had no idea. I made it up. I thought they're in the water...and maybe it's reflecting from the sun...haha.

  7. #7
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: Prolouge to Novel - Part Of It Please Critique!

    Kathy,

    Minor comment.

    I disagree with mar's suggestion that you insert "that" in the first sentence of your excerpt.

    Many writers look for ways to avoid overusing "that."

    There you have it. A jump ball on a minor point.

    Cur

  8. #8
    mar quesa
    Guest

    Re: Prolouge to Novel - Part Of It Please Critique!

    Smiling,

    If you noticed, I put it in brackets for that same reason. Besides, it's just a suggestion. Do you have some suggestions for Kathy at all?

  9. #9
    Kathy Loop
    Guest

    Re: Prolouge to Novel - Part Of It Please Critique!

    I have a problem with "that" I hate THAT word. I think I changed quite a few places when I edited to take out THAT word.

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