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  1. #1
    Sveva Michaels
    Guest

    The first page of my story

    Like many others on this forum, I would like anyone who is willing to read what I have written and give me some feedback. I have read it and edited it so many times I have lost perspective. I am very interested it what you have to say.


    Chelsea sat alone in the dark room reading by the lamplight. A cold chill ran up her spine when she heard the clicking sound of the lock turning on the door. She looked up at his dark figure loomng in the doorway.

    “Go out and get in the car girl” he demanded.

    She didn’t argue. She stood up and walked down the hall and across the unfamiliar kitchen floor. This was the first time she’d been out of the room.

    The front door was standing wide open and it was dark outside. There was no porch light on so she couldn’t see much but she could tell she’d been inside a trailer. As she walked down the cinder block steps, she looked around a little more. There were no other houses nearby, only trees swaying with the breeze and a long winding driveway. Now she knows why no one ever heard her screams.

    In the beginning she cried out for help a lot, beating on the door and walls, until her fists were red and swollen and there was nothing left to her voice but a whisper. No one ever came except him and he soon showed her how much he hated hearing her screams. She cried out less and less until eventually she gave up completely.

    There was a toilet in one corner of the room and a short bookshelf in another. The shelf had a lamp and a few books on it that she read over and over again, mostly fairy tales about beautiful princesses. She often daydreamed that a brave knight would break down the door and take her back out into the sunshine. There were also some coloring books and crayons. Most of the pages were already colored on but she added to some of them and even signed her name to a few. Then of course there was the bed, which she never slept in. She slept on the rug on the floor instead



  2. #2
    Lisa P
    Guest

    Re: The first page of my story

    Sveva,

    Welcome to WN. Thanks for posting.

    I saw a typo, and a punctuation error here and there, but they're easy enough to catch.

    There were a couple of things I noticed while reading...

    chill ran up her spine is a bit cliche.
    You might want to find a different way to convey this feeling.

    There was no porch light on so she couldn’t see much but she could tell she’d been inside a trailer.
    There needs to be a comma in here after much.

    Now she knows why no one ever heard her screams.
    Knows should be knew.

    This is what stood out to me after the first read. Others may have more.
    Keep at it.

    ; )

  3. #3
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: The first page of my story

    Hey, Sveva (is the S silent? Like Veeva?

    First, I think the story/setting is pretty good. I like how you toss things in here and there, and not all at once. ALTHOUGH, towards the end, we could get less description and get a move on...I think... It's tough not seeing that next page.

    Secondly, you should pick up a good book about punctuation, esp. commas (or do a lil' research online), because even though getting the story out is probably most important, I believe clarity and flow is right up there. I imagine that you're probably reading and typing in your head with the "commas" correctly placed, so I say let's work on translating that to the paper. Especially for help here. (If that makes any sense

    “Go out and get in the car girl” he demanded.

    “Go out and get in the car<U>,</U> girl<U>,</U>” he demanded.

    She stood up...

    I've become a snob against the "up" follow-up to "stood," as "stood" is a rising motion.

    The front door was standing wide open and it was dark outside.

    She stood at the door and stared out into the darkness.

    Now she knows why no one ever heard her screams.

    This was probably just an error, but change that "knows" to "knew"

    screams. She cried out less and less until eventually she gave up completely.

    There was a toilet in one corner of the room and a short bookshelf in another. The shelf had a lamp and a few books on it that she read over and over again, mostly fairy tales about beautiful princesses. She often daydreamed that a brave knight would break down the door and take her back out into the sunshine. There were also some coloring books and crayons. Most of the pages were already colored on but she added to some of them and even signed her name to a few. Then of course there was the bed, which she never slept in. She slept on the rug on the floor instead...


    I think the paragraph before the final one is okay ("In the beginning..."), but the final paragraph--up above this--is misplaced. I don't think we need to hear this just yet. Even though I realize you're bursting to let us know the girl is a child, Let us think and wonder (and have imaginative-nightmares) on some things. Although, thinking about it, perhaps just a stronger transition between the final two paragraphs of your piece might just do it.

    Hope that helps

  4. #4
    Joe Zeff
    Guest

    Re: The first page of my story

    This excerpt is potentially quite interesting, but as currently written, it's all telling, no showing. As an example, instead of just telling us that there were no houses around, have her look around so that you can describe the wilderness she finds herself in. I'm sure you can easily come up with other ways to show instead of tell.

    Also, "Chelsea sat alone in the dark room reading by the lamplight." looks like a contradiction to me. If there's a lamp, it's not really dark, is it?

  5. #5
    Claire Wells
    Guest

    Re: The first page of my story

    Good story! I agree with everybody's comments.

  6. #6
    A.L. Sirois
    Guest

    Re: The first page of my story

    Thank you for posting this, Sveva, but I have to say, it doesn't work for me. If it is intended to be a horror story, you immediately put yourself at a disadvantage by having her sitting and reading in a room she has apparently never been out of, the location of which she hadn't even known until she does get out. There is no sense of dread in someone sitting and reading. What I feel you need to do is to build up a mood of fear and isolation. Perhaps open wit hher pacing the room, for the thousandth time (metaphorically speaking). By doing that you can give us a good description of the room and her frustration and fear as we see what she sees.

    You also say, "...his dark figure." Who? At least give us a sense of the menace by using a descriptive term such as "her captor" or something like that.

    That said, I go along with what Patrick says.

    My two cents.

  7. #7
    Sveva Michaels
    Guest

    Re: The first page of my story

    Thank you all for your comments, I found them very helpful.

    To Patrick: The S is not silent, it's pronounced just like it's spelled, it's an Italian name.

    I have always had trouble with comma placement it is one of my downfalls. I should do some research or take a grammar course or something.

    After reading everyones comments, I am excited to make some changes and continue working on my story. Thanks again.

  8. #8
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: The first page of my story

    Suh-vev-a?

  9. #9
    Sveva Michaels
    Guest

    Re: The first page of my story

    Close, but without too much emphasis on the uh. More like Sev-ev-a but fluidly. It's hard to explain without hearing it.

  10. #10
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: The first page of my story

    If I'm getting it right, it's a very pretty name.


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