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  1. #1
    Christopher Davis
    Guest

    John Oberon's Four Principles

    I thought John's principles in an earlier post were helpful.

    Below are some examples from my novel where I seem to be breaking his principles. I highlighted the potential problems with caps. How would y'all improve these sentences? Thanks. Chris

    He touched Tom’s face. It WAS clammy and cool. She pushed the drunk away, but he wouldn’t leave her alone.

    By the time he’d elbowed his way through the crowd, Patty WAS FLAILING the guy with her fists.

    “Leave me alone,” she shrieked, THRASHING as she tried to escape.

    Paul WAS SNEAKING yet another look at her when she screamed and an eighteen wheeler blasted its horn. When he looked at the road he saw he’d crossed over the lines. He swerved back into his own lane and gripped the steering wheel.



  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: John Oberon's Four Principles

    He needs to make tapes to sell late at night on cable.

  3. #3
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: John Oberon's Four Principles

    The "ing" verb?... First, adverbs ending in "ly", and now verb forms ending in "ing"? What next, possessives? Conjunctions? The venerable em dash?

    jeez.

  4. #4
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: John Oberon's Four Principles

    Christopher,

    First, I'm with Jayce.

    Yes, it's a good idea to pay attention to "ly" and "ing."

    Yes, it's a good idea to pay attention to "be" etc, etc.

    Yes, your writing may be stronger if you look for places to get rid of them.

    At the end of the day, you gotta be able to tell a story readers will devour.

    For example, I've seen plenty of rewrites here where the critiqueuer, in the interest of "less is more" or other sacred scriptures, cut a sentence or paragraph into the bone. End result was absolutely no flavor.

    Don't get me wrong, I agree with the general thoughts expressed by regulars here about the common errors which detract from readability.

    I didn't see anything in your snippets that made my blood pressure spike. It all depends on how often and how you use the no-nos.

    Just wanted to suggest you may wish to study more than one set of "principles."

    Cur

  5. #5
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: John Oberon's Four Principles

    You obviously wrote this crap on a day whose name ends in "y". John's fifth principle is to never write during a day ending with the letter "y."

    Keith's 1st principle is for idiots to never post to WritersNet on said days. Not you guys, though. I mean, you know, other idiots.

  6. #6
    Busy Lizzy
    Guest

    Re: John Oberon's Four Principles


    He touched Tom’s clammy face.[A clammy face would be cool anyway. No need to mention it.] She pushed the drunk away, but he wouldn’t leave her alone.

    By the time he’d elbowed his way through the crowd, Patty WAS FLAILING the guy with her fists.[No way to describe this differently, because you want to stress the fact that things are happening simultanously]

    “Leave me alone,” she shrieked and thrashed.

    You know that she is trying to escape, if she "thrashes"]

    Paul sneaked yet another look at her. She screamed and an eighteen wheeler blasted its horn. When he looked at the road he saw he’d crossed over the lines. He swerved back into his own lane and gripped the steering wheel.

    This would be a way to do it. You can judge yourself if it's better.

  7. #7
    stevenlabri ô¿ô
    Guest

    Re: John Oberon's Four Principles

    Why would I bother to listen to John Oberon's advice?

  8. #8
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: John Oberon's Four Principles

    Because John Oberon is God, doncha know?

  9. #9
    Christopher Davis
    Guest

    Re: John Oberon's Four Principles

    Hey, thanks for all the, uh, input.

    My point in posting these was that Oberon's principles were probably guidelines, not set in stone, but also to see how folks would improve the sentences. Thanks BL, I'm using parts of what you posted.

    I must say that the amount of drama on here is...a lot.
    I laughed when I saw that someone said they were new and the first person to respond was Rogue Mutt. I can't wait to see what he said.

    Chris

  10. #10
    Jo Mazz
    Guest

    Re: John Oberon's Four Principles

    I'll give it a go.

    He touched Tom’s face. It WAS clammy and cool. She pushed the drunk away, but he wouldn’t leave her alone.

    By the time he’d elbowed his way through the crowd, Patty WAS FLAILING the guy with her fists.

    “Leave me alone,” she shrieked, THRASHING as she tried to escape.
    __________________________________________________ _________

    He touched Tom's face. It felt clammy and cool. She pushed the drunk away, but he would'nt leave her alone.


    By the time he elbowed his way through the crowd, Patty began to flail the guy with her fists. "Leave me alone." she shrieked as she tried to escape.

    Ignore me. I'm still practising editing.
    Jo


    Oh, one question: Was it a SHE or a HE that touched his clammy cold face?

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