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Thread: Your thoughts

  1. #1
    Steven Leonardo
    Guest

    Your thoughts

    Here is a excerpt from my novel. I'm throwing you right in the middle, so I'll fill you guys in a little. I'm also going to give you two relating scenes, a little time passes between them that deals with other plot lines.

    So to the fill in: As a war is going on, my character, Anphion, finds his brother, Nerak that was M.I.A. and at the moment they are among the army of a rebellion Nerak wants to say and fight while Anphion wants to leave and has no interest in the movement. But he also wants his brother away from the war.

    Now here is the conflict. Keep in mind its a first draft, and please try to focus on the story not my little mistakes of spelling or grammar. If its so bad it takes away from the story, then let me know. Thank you.


    ***
    Nerak walked out of the building in a groggy spell, his steps weak and shaky. He squinted his eyes from the brightness of the sun and observed all before him. People ran to supply the fighter trucks with ammo. Over and over, men checked their rifles to see if it was properly loaded. Soldiers discussed strategies while looking at a map. Others just stood or sat in stillness with frightful faces, dreading the coming of attack. Anphion was leaning on the wall and jumped up by the presence of his brother. “You’re out.”
    Nerak looked to him. “What’s going on here?”
    “It doesn’t matter. Now that you’re strong enough, we should head out of here and return home.”
    “What happened, Anphion,” Nerak persisted. “Tell me.”
    “You don’t deserve this burden on your shoulders.”
    “They’re preparing for another defensive, aren’t they?”
    “The rebellion is losing, Nerak. They were pushed back to the corner of the Northern Region. This is where the movement ends. It’s over. We have to go home.”
    “What home would that be, one of restriction over the mind’s freedom? Not allowed to think on our own. My eyes have been opened and none of this appears to be home. This revolution is my only home.”

    “I’m won’t let my brother give up his life!”
    “I’m not leaving these people. Not now. Not while they’re at the brink of destruction. I’m staying. I believe in this movement and I’m going to make a difference by being apart of it.”
    “Why? After all we went through. You want to stay when so much is taken from us?”
    “If we turn our backs on the rebellion now, and then all is gone, everything will be in vain. I wont allow that. So I’m going out there to stop those warriors, alone if I have to.”
    “How do you know about them?”
    “I dreamed of him, Anphion.”
    “Who?”
    “Red-era. I can feel that he’s close.”
    Anphion looked at his brother perplexed and he let out a sigh. “Nerak,” his voice softened. “This is not the path I wanted for you. Not one of war. I don’t want to see you dead, like uncle, pops and mom.”
    “I know, but they’re the ones I’m doing this for. Especially our father, I won’t let another man die for teaching intellectualism.”
    Anphion went to leave but hesitated, partially facing Nerak. “I’m sorry.” Anphion put his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I wish things were easer for you. Goodbye big guy. Keep yourself alive,” He turned his back to Nerak and walked away.


    Pacifica stood at the edge of the rebel line all the way to one end, looking out into the field, waiting. To his side was Jonathon. He aimed his rifle out and watched for the enemy. Nerak sat on the ground and played with the sand on the road by scrapping his boots back and forth. At the hilt of his sword, his hand fidgeted.
    A foot stepped at Nerak’s side. He looked up and saw it was Anphion. “What are you doing here?”
    “I abandoned you once before and I watched you leave alone.” Anphion stared down at the ground. “I won’t let that happen again. Figured…. I would…. watch your back.” He glanced at Nerak’s eyes and returned his sight to the ground. “I don’t want to lose you again, Nerak.”
    “But you don’t believe in any of this.”
    “You’re still my kid brother, whatever I believe.” Anphion raised his head and looked directly into Nerak’s eyes. “So I’m staying with you, big guy. You’re just too stubborn for anything else.”
    A smile sneaked upon Nerak’s face.



  2. #2
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts

    "Keep in mind its a first draft, and please try to focus on the story not my little mistakes of spelling or grammar."

    Why would you post without first cleaning up mistakes of spelling or grammar?

    Anyway, it reads like a lot of chitchat between two characters. Without reading any of what comes before this section, it isn't terribly meaningful or impressive on its own.

  3. #3
    Steven Leonardo
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts

    Well, thank you for your honest opinion. How is it lacking? Can you go into it?

  4. #4
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts

    Without even reading it it all seems to be dialog. You should try to find a balance between narration and dialog.

  5. #5
    Steven Leonardo
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts

    So explain actions between what is said, or rather go into the story? Or you mean slice scenes in together? All due respect, you should make a comment when you actually read it.

  6. #6
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts

    Nah, that takes too much time.

  7. #7
    Steven Leonardo
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts

    lol D@#K

  8. #8
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts

    Hurm...

  9. #9
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts

    The dialogue is stilted and lofty: I won’t let another man die for teaching intellectualism.

    The narrative is at times unintelligible: Nerak sat on the ground and played with the sand on the road by scrapping his boots back and forth.

    At other times it comes across as ludicrous: Over and over, men checked their rifles to see if it was properly loaded. Soldiers discussed strategies while looking at a map. Others just stood or sat in stillness with frightful faces.... If you're trying to set tone here, you failed.

    And this: He aimed his rifle out ... WTF?

    If this were music, I'd say you had a tin ear. You should put away writing for a while, and immerse yourself in books. Read them first for enjoyment, and then go back and study how the authors created their worlds, their characters, how they made you care about what happened to them.

    Sorry. My opinion.

  10. #10
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts

    Okay, my opinion on the first graph. Again, just my opinion. I don't have time to separate or format itallics, so don't take my all caps as yelling. It's just faster.

    Nerak walked out of the building in a groggy spell, his steps weak and shaky (I THINK DESCRIBING GROGGY IS OVERKILL. SCRATCH WEAK AND SHAKY STEPS). He squinted his eyes (WHAT ELSE IS HE GOING TO SQUINT? THAT'S LIKE SAYING HE STOOD UP. HE SQUINTED. HE STOOD). from the brightness (OF COURSE IT'S BRIGHT, THAT'S WHY HE SQUINTED) of the sun and observed all before him (OBSERVED ALL BEFORE HIM? SOUNDS TOO FORMAL). People ran (NEEDS A BETTER VERB. RUSHED, MAYBE?) to supply the fighter trucks with ammo. Over and over, men checked their rifles to see if it (THEIR RIFLES TO SEE IF IT IS GRAMATICALLY INCORRECT) was properly loaded. Soldiers discussed strategies while looking at a map. Others just stood or sat in stillness with frightful faces, dreading the coming of attack (OVERKILL. I CAN SEE FRIGHTFUL FACES AND DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME THEY'RE DREADING THE COMING OF ATTACK. I'D ALSO COMBINE THOSE 2 SENTENCES). Anphion was leaning (LEANED, DUMP WAS) on the wall and jumped up by the presence of his brother (WOULDN'T IT TAKE A VERB OR SOME ACTION TO MAKE SOMEONE JUMP? HE WOULD HAVE TO AT LEAST SEE THE PRESENCE. THIS REACTION IS ALSO A GOOD OPPORTUNTIY TO SHOW THE READER, RATHER THAN TELL). “You’re out.” (BEGIN NEW GRAPH WITH DIALOGUE)


    I'm pressed for time so others may offer better advice. You asked if the errors were so bad that they took away from the story and I thought they did. I suggest you read up on sentence structure and basic grammar before continuing the novel. Again, just one guy's opinion. Luck.
    km

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