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Thread: Prologue

  1. #1
    zhi wong
    Guest

    Prologue

    Prologue:

    A warm glow of sunlight shone gently on a small cottage. It was placed in a forest, shaded by tall sturdy rooted trees. It appeared to be in a shabby condition. The windows were shattered in half and the wooden porch creaked vulnerably to each step taken. Outside cobwebs dangled in every nook and cranny. But astoundingly, inside said a different story. It was a décor fit for a queen.

    Crystal formed chandelier hung elegantly from the ceiling, casting light in the petite cottage. A beautiful girl with sky blue eyes stood pompously looking out a broken window. Her turquoise colored hair was tied back in a refined way.

    “Rucill, how long more should I stay here?” the girl spoke without turning her sight away from the broken window. Upon hearing the girl talk, he immediately went down on one knee to reply.

    “Forgive me princess, but your humble servant doesn’t know.”

    “Is there any news from father?”

    “No, princess.” He said that with his head bowed low.

    “You may be dismissed.”

    “Thank you for your grace, princess.” As Rucill was getting up, he heard a knock. In that instant he took out his sword. He then walked towards the wooden door, opening it with his sword in hand. At sight, he saw a short stout man with pointed ears panting for air. He wore a green jacket that hung oddly as if it was too short. “Who may I know is present here before me?” Rucill asked.

    “I am Yank, a messenger from his excellencies.” Messenger Yank said. Yank held a royal edict at arms length and began to read.
    “ORDERS…” he gasped in a few gulps of air. “ from the king for Princess Anya. All hear. His majesty commands Princess Anya to go into the realm of the mortal dimension. Princess Anya is not to come back until the war is over. All hear. Rucill, knight of the green light, guardian of the emerald stone, you are to escort Princess Anya in her journey, ensuring her safety.” After Yank said that, he chucked the scroll under his right arm and dashed away in the speed of light.

    Anya brought her sight to Rucill while her cheeks glowed a pale pink. Her glossy lips quivered at that thought. “Rucill, I shan’t leave the kingdom. Take me to father now.” She took a step closer to him with her hands clasped together.

    “My apologies princess, but I have to defy your commands.”

    “How dare you defy my orders?” Anya said with eyes widened in anger. “If you won’t take me back to the kingdom, I shall.” As Anya said that, she flew towards the door. Rucill swiftly halted Anya in her movement. She was furious at Rucill’s bold approach. “Away!”

    Rucill looked at Anya with calmness, not heeding her enraged frustrations. He took out a small-clothed pouch from his belt. Anya saw this and wanted to resists, but Rucill was quick in movements. Without delay he sprinkled a pinch of magic dust at her, causing her to fall into his arms. “Don’t hold it against me, princess. It’s for your welfare.”



  2. #2
    zhi wong
    Guest

    Re: Prologue

    Please critique.

  3. #3
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    Re: Prologue

    Zhi:

    I can see where you are going with this story. You used short sentences,and tried to write basically to avoid overwriting. Fundamentally you are still encountering the same problem. A lot of the words in this post are overkill. You're still trying to hard. You're original problem wasn't just that you used to many adjectives, but that you also used to many unnecessary words. The art of grammar is clarity. Words mean nothing if they are not used properly.

    IMHO, I think you will do yourself a great service by learning grammar. You need to learn about subjects, verbs, and the other parts of grammar, and how they flow together. Once you have a better hold on grammar, you stand a better chance of your writing talent being appreciated. You have a natural talent for description. You're story still needs work, but you're making progress. For instance, your first two sentences could be,

    Faint traces of sunlight shone on a shabby cottage that resided in a forest. Cobwebs dangled from every nook and cranny of the cottage’s exterior, its window panes were cracked, and the porch creaked whenever anyone stepped on it.

    A lot of your problem is eliminating redundancy. Tall trees grow in a forest, so you don't need to restate that. In the same way, eighty-five percent of light is heat, case in point, you don't need to say warm glow either. That is just my humble opinion, take it or leave it.

  4. #4
    Joe Zeff
    Guest

    Re: Prologue

    Two slight comments:

    “You may be dismissed.” It looked to me as though the princess didn't know if he were dismissed or not. One of Mark Twain's rules of good writing is, "Say what you mean, not almost what you mean." Have her tell him, "You are dismissed."

    “Who may I know is present here before me?” Unless this person has a very peculiar way of speaking, "Who, may I ask, is this?" is much better.

  5. #5
    Busy Lizzy
    Guest

    Re: Prologue

    This needs plenty of editing, zhi.



    A warm glow of sunlight shone gently on a small cottage. It was placed in a forest, shaded by tall sturdy rooted [sturdily rooted.Why is this important? Just "tall" is enough] trees. It appeared[to whom?] to be in a shabby condition. The windows were shattered in half[windows never shatter exactly "in half"] and the wooden porch creaked vulnerably[why vulnerably?Do they hurt?] to each step taken. Outside cobwebs dangled in every nook and cranny. But astoundingly, inside said a different story. It was a décor fit for a queen.[I like this contrast.]

    Crystal formed[Don't get your meaning there. "Crystal formed"? Why not just say a crystal chandelier?] chandelier hung elegantly[how can a chandelier hang "elegantly"? They just hang ]from the ceiling, casting light in the petite cottage. A beautiful girl with sky blue eyes(sky blue eyes is a terrible cliche'] stood pompously["pompously"? You can't "stand pompously"] looking out a broken window. Her turquoise (meaning like blue?] colored hair was tied back in a refined way.["in a refined way"this doesn't fit here.Maybe you mean: "was elaborately braided" or something like that?]

    I'm going to stop here. I think you'll see what I mean. Maybe you could find someone who can help you with the editing. You could also join a writers' group. And you should read, read, read.

    That is the best way to learn about writing.

  6. #6
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: Prologue

    You notice since someone told Redd the meaning of IMHO he can't stop using it now?

  7. #7
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Prologue

    He's a child. That's what they do with new words.

  8. #8
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    Re: Prologue

    Leslee:

    Et tu brutus? Why must everyone troll? Instead of focusing on me, you both could be giving zhi some advice

    P.S
    I am not a child. Using IMHO is better than spending an entire thread defending yourself. It seems a lot of writers tend to think of my advice as flawed, so I am using IMHO to state it's my opinion. In case it hasn't been noticed I also say that the critiqued can take or leave my advice. Contrary to the critiques that I received, I do listen to advice given.

  9. #9
    Blair M
    Guest

    Re: Prologue

    Here's a suggestion: How about someone open up a new thread, called something like 'Writers.net vs Chris Redd'.
    That way, there will be a place where anyone can post comments about Chris, and he can defend himself if he pleases.
    That way, threads wouldn't continually be interepted by these on-going arguments.

  10. #10
    Blair M
    Guest

    Re: Prologue

    *intercepted, even.

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