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  1. #1
    B.b.s.g.W wright
    Guest

    Constructive Criticism

    A part of a big project I have been thinking of.

    Dennis returned to school the next day with a smile upon his face.
    "Look at the smiling retard",a large boy said as Dennis walked through the door.
    "You must have confused me with Jessica", Dennis said knowing that the boy had recently asked the girl out.
    "Listen kid, don't say nothin' 'bout her or I'ma shove my fist so far down your throat it will come out your ass", he said heatedly.
    The teacher, as usually, was ignoring the argument, pretending she was doing something important on the computer.
    "There isn't much to say", Dennis replied, still wondering where his courage had come from,"Other than I'm not surprised you asked her out, since she looks like a man and we all know how much you are into that."
    A toothy grin spread across Dennis' face. The boy lunged for him.
    "Take out your homework!" The teacher said suddenly realizing that the argument was escalating.
    The boy sat down, "Me and you kid, me and you."
    Dennis nodded happily, standing up for himself excited him. He never knew what had made him incapable of it before. Maybe his intelligence and the lucky chain the man had given him had come through for him. One thing is certain an 11 year old in 7th grade's intelligence in no way, shape, or form could protect his naked face from a fist.
    Dennis would experience this in the courtyard at recess that same day. He rose to feet, his nose bruised and bloody.
    "Hit me harder!" Maybe you might actually hurt me this time", Dennis yelled. The boy punched him down again. The transfer student watched shaking his head, he wouldn't be a part of the argument.
    Three other boys came to the large boy's side. They yelled profanity and many names at Dennis as they kicked him on the dirty courtyard bricks. Maybe, Dennis thought, Maybe my intellect can defend me. He pushed the feet off of him. He then took the chain off his neck and began to swing it over his head wildly.
    The golden chain looked like the sun over his head as it increased in speed. The boys' mouths dropped, he couldn't have been planning to strike them.
    They were horribly mistaken. One of them laughed. Dennis face turned into a menacing wolf. He swung his chain the crest dug into the boy's face leaving a long gash on his cheek.The boy fell on his back screaming in pain. Dennis turned and swung two more of his enemies were down. All that was left was the one it started with.
    A tear rolled down Dennis eye as he struck the boy. All four boys laid on the ground gripping the wounds whimpering and crying.
    "Freak!!"
    Dennis smiled, like a lion he had pounced upon his prey, he was victorious for four minutes until all four boys were rushed to the nurse and he to the principal.
    "Have you lost your damn mind!" "Profanity sir", Dennis replied.
    "Don't be a lil' smart ass with me you punk, your grandmother has already been called and she will be here shortly."
    Dennis nodded.

    B.b.s.g.W

  2. #2
    Ce Ce
    Guest

    Re: Constructive Criticism

    Pass.

  3. #3
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Constructive Criticism

    Ditto.

  4. #4
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    Re: Constructive Criticism

    Dear BBSg

    Take this story, run to the hills, and bury it Do it quick before someone else comments. In a nutshell, you are about to get toasted. Seriously, it needs some work. You need better Formatting, you need to start showing instead of telling, and you need to edit out unnecessary words.
    For instance the first sentence could probably read.

    "Dennis returned to school the next day smiling"

    In addition your dialog tags get in the way a lot. Trust me the writers on writers.net aren't going to take you seriously over this post. It needs work. That's just my advice, feel free to ignore it.

  5. #5
    B.b.s.g.W wright
    Guest

    Re: Constructive Criticism

    Ce Ce and leslee it would be a little helpful if you say what is wrong with it. I won't be able to fix any problems from one word, sorry. If your going to post something then at least read the title of the topic, CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.
    Thanks

  6. #6
    Paul Harris
    Guest

    Re: Constructive Criticism

    I think what Ce Ce and Leslee are saying is that there is so much that needs to be corrected that they just didn't feel up to it. I'm sorry to say that the writing just isn't very good. If you're a beginner than the possibility of improvement is real if you want to commit to that. I'd suggest that you start by reading some books on writing fiction.

    Your POV shift from the kid to the teacher and back again w/o any intervening events. Your dialouge is stiff. This sentence is really poorly written: They yelled profanity and many names at Dennis as they kicked him on the dirty courtyard bricks.

    Are the courtyard bricks part of Dennis' body? It reads that way.

    There's more: Dennis face turned into a menacing wolf.

    Really? His face turned into a wolf. Sorry, there's much more but I don't have time.

  7. #7
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: Constructive Criticism

    chris, why do you regurgitate all the advice you've been given here for everyone's post?

  8. #8
    B.b.s.g.W wright
    Guest

    Re: Constructive Criticism

    If Ce Ce and leslee were really trying to say something like that they should have just said it. "Pass" and "Ditto" don't help.

  9. #9
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    Re: Constructive Criticism

    B.b.s.g W & Midnight.


    They said that because they didn't feel like saying the same things over again. I tried to sum it up.

  10. #10
    Clayton Lindemuth
    Guest

    Re: Constructive Criticism

    Wright,

    Sure, it needs a ton of work, but I bet it's no worse than any experienced writer's draft--before he or she learned the craft. But first, you've made a fundamental mistake. Ce Ce and Leslee gave you as much as most agents will give, more in fact. That's valuable. Your story didn't work. Now you know, and I can't think of anything more constructive.

    Now prove your mettle as a writer and learn how to make it better. You've seen the advice a million times. Read, read, read, and learn to edit. You've inspired me: I'm going to post a list on my blog of the best writing books I've read. You'll be a million miles ahead of most writers simply by learning what your reader doesn't want or need to read. As an exercise, cut 80% of your story. Take it down to its barest, simplest elements, and you'll discover your voice. Once you have that, you can create stories that will keep people reading.

    Clayton

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