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  1. #1
    Steven Leonardo
    Guest

    Revised section after your comments.

    here it is.

    ***

    A drifting fog and blurred forms consumed Nerakís vision and obscured figures whispered on about him. The fog engulfed him and nothing was definable. He tried to wake but failed. The voices laughed and murmured to themselves. Then he knew: these entities desired him gone from existence. He found himself trapped and became lost within an unseen maze. It got more intricate as he struggled to break free and the labyrinth constantly twisted and transfigured. Things became horridly strange and distant and he fought against it. His fragmented mind went through every scheme in which to escape. All the time as his conscious withered away. The entities saw through all his cunning, pulling him deeper and deeper into nothingness where he would cease to be. It all started to overtake him. Layers of his psyche were stripped away, one by one: his memories, his knowledge, his ambitions, his dreams, his hopes. He held tight on his self-awareness but it slipped away slowly.
    A translucent image of Anphion appeared before him and suddenly Nerakís strength returned. An opening emerged in his mindís eye. By his brotherís guidance, Nerak collected himself. He climbed up through the maze while the entities sought to suppress him and he unraveled himself from the entanglements set upon him.
    The fog cleared and the figures faded away as he woke.



  2. #2
    Jeanne Gassman
    Guest

    Re: Revised section after your comments.

    Steven,

    I didn't read your other post that closely, but this seems better. Do you read your work out loud when you revise? I ask that because I sense that you're struggling to find a rhythm in your prose. It's almost there, but then it slips away somehow.

    I don't like to re-write other people's work (because you don't always learn what you need to know), but let me play with the first few sentences to show you what I mean. Your prose needs to reflect the mood you're trying to create--one of drifting, disorientation.

    Your version:
    A drifting fog and blurred forms consumed Nerakís vision and obscured figures whispered on about him. The fog engulfed him and nothing was definable. He tried to wake but failed. The voices laughed and murmured to themselves. Then he knew: these entities desired him gone from existence. He found himself trapped and became lost within an unseen maze. It got more intricate as he struggled to break free and the labyrinth constantly twisted and transfigured. Things became horridly strange and distant and he fought against it.

    A very rough revision (based on my reading this aloud, listening for the rhythm:
    Fog swirled and drifted in front of Nerak's eyes, blurring his vision. He could see nothing but obscure figures disappearing into the mist. He heard voices. Above him. Behind him. Laughing. But the fog engulfed him, and he was lost. They were talking about him. He knew: They wanted him gone. Trapped within this invisible maze, he struggled to break free, but the labyrinth constantly twisted and transfigured. There was no escape.

    Now, I've changed your words, but what you need to think about it is this. Every sentence drives you to the next sentence. Short sentences speed up the pace. Longer sentences linger over images, description, and emotions. A paragraph moves in waves, building like a rising tide in the ocean. The intensity starts slow, builds, peaks, and then crashes down onto to the final image.

    Oh, one more thing...You have something weird going on with prepositions: Figures whisper ABOUT, not ON ABOUT. He held tight TO, not he held tight ON. Just some things to look at.

    Hope that helps. Now, I must get off from here and go back to writing about the seduction of evil. (Long story!)

    Jeanne

  3. #3
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: Revised section after your comments.

    Jeanne is right, Steven: This is better. But your overall writing--not just this passage--needs a lot of work.

    Also, I must reiterate what I suggested earlier about picking up a book--any book--and read it on a whole 'nother level than what you're probably used to. (You'll be able to tell whether it's one that you can feel comfortable in studying to get better.) Though it will probably kionda-sorta "ruin" pleasure-reading, you'll still be able to enjoy a good book. Maybe even search for that book that carried you from beginning to end; the one you couldn't wait to get back into...and <U>really</U> look at it.

    A couple of recos (you can run thru these threads and find many more): On Writing (Stephen King), Grammar Snobs Are Great Big Meanies (June Casagrande).

    P.S. Maybe don't even re-post this particular passage. Take some time and do your homework and when it's time--you'll know (and be patient)--come back here and handle your business. Also, in the meantime, definitely take advantage of the ton of knowledgeable folks on this board. (They're funny, too...well, some of 'em )

  4. #4
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Revised section after your comments.

    Steve-o,

    Read it with the clutter gone and better verbs and structure, about a 30% word reduction:

    A thick fog blurred Nerakís vision and obscured figures who whispered about him. He tried unsuccessfully to wake, and the voices laughed and murmured. Then he knew: these entities desired his annihilation. He found himself trapped and lost in an unseen maze that constantly changed and twisted more intricately as he struggled to break free. Things became horridly strange and distant, and as his fragmented mind tried every scheme of escape, his consciousness withered away. The entities pulled him deeper into nothingness, and layer by layer, they stripped away memories, knowledge, ambitions, dreams, and hopes. He clung to his self-awareness, but it slowly slipped away.

    But then, a translucent image of Anphion appeared, and Nerakís strength returned. An opening emerged in his mindís eye, and his brother guided him through the maze. The entities sought to suppress him, but Nerak unraveled himself from the entanglements.

    The fog cleared and the figures faded away as he woke.

  5. #5
    Dave S
    Guest

    Re: Revised section after your comments.

    The posts by Gayle, Meredith, and Micki read like they may have come from the same writer.
    Might someone be trying to convince JS that his writing has merit, as part of a scam to convince him to pay for services, ie representation?

    JS, be careful.

  6. #6
    Dave S
    Guest

    Re: Revised section after your comments.

    Sorry, wrong thread.

  7. #7
    S Stull
    Guest

    Re: Revised section after your comments.

    I glanced at your previous thread, and thought this was a definate improvement--but try this: read your work aloud. I think you'll notice the cumbersome words. (You can use far fewer words than you're using now, and it'll sound better.)

    Lyra

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