HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12
  1. #1
    v m
    Guest

    Your thoughts on this

    "I have no birth name. The gals, they call me Teo. I don't favor that name, no. I see myself more of a Bill. Or Vincent. I'm a well built man in truth. Teo's a flimsy kind of chum I imagine.

    And so I think of names... But no time now to ponder them! Now's a time of bloody peril.

    I got a bullet lodged in my head. Not for certain if I'm still alive or a ghost not yet aware of my deadness. I was shot with a 9mm handgun. From a sure distance those trinkets can't perforate heads. All it gave me is a hell of a headache. Yes. Merely a big jar of pain killers will halt it. I'm ok. Ok to find my way out of here..."

    Just a little something from a very short piece I wrote some time ago... I'm not entirely proud if it.



  2. #2
    S Stull
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts on this

    I feel like you're yammering quite a bit.

    Not for certain if I'm still alive or a ghost not yet aware of my deadness. Read this one time. I see what you mean, but all you're really saying is, "I'm not sure if I'm dead."

    --Lyra

  3. #3
    v m
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts on this

    The character is indeed yammering. He's in a state of confusion.

    "I'm not sure if I'm dead" sounds boring to me. Not memorable. Wherein my line it gives a sense of a sauntering ghost. I'm not saying it's the right way to write it but to trim the life out of it is something I won't do. Maybe I favor to flourish things.

  4. #4
    Sam English
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts on this

    "I'm not entirely proud if it."
    Then why would you post this and ask our opinion?
    It's like posting it and if we say it sucks, then you already beat us to that punch.
    Post your best work and then ask us to bother to read it.

  5. #5
    Ce Ce
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts on this

    I got a bullet lodged in my head. Not for certain if I'm still alive or a ghost not yet aware of my deadness. I was shot with a 9mm handgun. From a sure distance those trinkets can't perforate heads. All it gave me is a hell of a headache. Yes. Merely a big jar of pain killers will halt it. I'm ok. Ok to find my way out of here..."

    I'd start the piece here. It grabs attention right away.

    I'd also lose "merely" in the bit above.

    Otherwise, I like it. There's a voice here, and a situation interesting enough to make me want to keep reading.

  6. #6
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts on this

    I'm beginning to smell a rat.

  7. #7
    v m
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts on this

    Thank you!

  8. #8
    v m
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts on this

    What do you mean?

  9. #9
    v m
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts on this

    ..because of fear that you won't like it?

  10. #10
    Gravity Fades
    Guest

    Re: Your thoughts on this

    WN sure draws 'em, doesn't it?

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts