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  1. #1
    zhi wong

    comment needed--2

    Sorry about the delay in replying. I was busy in applying out your comments that I got carried away on the first day I started out. In reply to buzy lizzy..you were right I did meant in the German meaning of "miss". Apparently, I typed it wrongly..couldn't get hold of the dotted 'a'.

    With all those comments given I thought I'd be sad…. disheartened…. but surprisingly I wasn't. You were right; I was trying too hard to impress the readers but ended up crumbling under my own portrayal of the whole scene.

    I thank you all for being truthful & actually giving me good advices at the end of each critique…. at least that didn't leave me questioning myself "now what?"

    At least there were some good comments given…. at every after critique.

    I'll brush up on my writing…. & cut on the descriptions & read more English related books. Will that do?

    How about this story…. it’s a chapter 3 from my other written project.
    Is there any improvements compared to the first posting?
    If it's too long for you to read, halfway will do.

    In a certain part of the balcony, basking under the warm afternoon, Grandmamma was enjoying the start of an autumn breeze whilst watching every green leaf float slowly towards gravity. Soon this sight will wither to welcome the cold, white winter in comparison to her silver hair that’s neatly tied back, which bobs to her every movement. Every beaming smile portrays her ageing years as each line creases on what was once a flawless face.

    “ Grandmamma, look, look, is my drawing pretty?” Little Jyn said that with a big smile that squinted her eyes. Her short, black curls flowing to each breeze.

    Grandmamma turns to face the disrupting little voice that’s sitting at the far end corner. Seeing her granddaughter’s anticipating smile, she gaily walks towards the little figure. She then takes her seat opposite little Jyn, who by now continues coloring on the coffee table in-between them. Curious to know what sort of picture her granddaughter had drew, she leans forward slightly for a clearer peep, but what she saw was definitely the least expecting thing in mind. Instead of seeing a colored piece of drawing paper, it was the glass top of the coffee table that’s being colored chalk on.

    In the midst of little Jyn’s coloring fiesta all Grandmamma could do was look, just look.

    “ Done! Grandmamma look…. what’s wrong? Are you not well?” Little Jyn asks as she receives a stare like never before. A stare that tells her she’s in big trouble…. almost similar to her mom’s, telling her she’s furious at what mischief little Jyn did. “ Grandmamma…. Did I do something wrong?” she pitiably asks while pouting.

    Grandmamma wasn’t mad at little Jyn as a matter of fact she found it funny. What worries her is her daughter. Poor little Jyn, she won’t have a good night’s rest tonight, not with that mess on her daughter’s prized coffee table. It’s cleaning time for both of them.

    Grandmamma lets out a soft sigh & lies back on the chair. A quirky smile drapes her baffled mind. Little Jyn sat there not knowing what went wrong, letting loose blobs of tears. Her tears unknowingly sank in her grandmother’s heart. Grandmamma rushes to little Jyn’s aid, hushing her to every sniffs made.

    Not long after, the orange peel sky starts to change a darker shade, ushering both grandmother & granddaughter into the comforts of their home. Thanks to the fireplace, warmness filled the room. Little Jyn enters first followed by her old guardian. Exhausted by the earlier commotion she immediately flops onto the inviting sofa without a care of what’ll happen later on. The young & old cuddled close to each other, slowly drifting to dreamland oblivious to what’ll happen next.

    Alas, that night a twist of faith foresees the drastic changes threading in Jyn’s life, sweeping her off her childish thoughts. A surfacing change that it overlooks her mother’s ruined prized possession—the coffee table. Sirens on an ambulance rang, in laid grandmamma, dashing through the pavement streets to one destination—the hospital. From dusk to dawn the red light signifying the dangerous situation happening in the operating theater persists to glow brightly. How long more would that darn light glow? Not even a flickering glimpse?

    Little Jyn watches on, as the atmosphere in the waiting area grew intense. She numbly sits on the given seats, wondering why the fuss?

    So long as that wretched light doesn’t go off, every drop of hope seeps through their fingertips with each passing moment. On the second day in hell, daylight breaks through bringing along a ray of hope. Lights out for the operating theater & out comes a frail old lady, now looking older than her exact age.

    Jyn’s curious young mind wanted answers, answers that reveals this puzzling situation. She gets up from her long-seated-spot to stand next to her father. She gently tugs at her father’s shirt to get his attention. “Daddy, is grandmamma sick?”

    Tired & distraught from what’s happening, Jyn’s dad kneels on one leg to face her in her height. “Yes dear. Your grandmamma is very sick.” He listlessly replied.

    “Will She be alright?”
    “We’ll see dear, we’ll see.” Those were the only words he could bring himself to say. He gives little Jyn a hug then carries her off to her grandmother’s private room.

    Entering, people of both familiar & unfamiliar faces greeted her with downcast expressions that even she couldn’t take things lightly. Her mother ushers her towards her grandmother’s side along with her big brother, Joe. Joe stood quietly, trying to withhold his emotions.

    Jyn gazes at her grandmother’s closed eyes with indescribable feelings bottled up in her. She tenderly touches her grandmother’s pale cheek & becomes aware of the slight coldness to it. A distant understanding settles in her mind. Can a few days of being sick do this to a person? “ Grandmamma…. Are you cold?” saying that she scrambles to pull up the blanket that was on her grandmother’s lap.

    She… is not dead. She… is just taking a nap, rejuvenating her lost strength. Although in her sleep, she could feel the gentle caresses on her haggard self. A tear trickled down at the sides of her shut eyes. With each passing tear, her life fades alongside.

    Each day went by, taking along bits of the old soul, till one day only a motionless body remains. The machine could read no pulse rate thus a long continuous sound warns of the decease patient. Gone, forever gone.

    Before, during & after the burial, all and sundry mourned for the decease. However, our dear little Jyn remains compose. It didn’t matter. Everyone came to the conclusion of she’s too young to understand & left her as she is. One night when everything was still, Joe, her big brother, sets her down for bedtime, becoming the figure for her to lean on after so many days of battling with his inner turmoil.

    Jyn happily lies on Joe’s lap, as he’s the first person to tuck her in after days of depressing sights. “ Joe, where did grandmamma go?” Jyn naively asks while looking up on the ceiling. Not knowing what to say he shushes her to sleep while stroking her black locks. Soon she, too, fell asleep.

    Green trees everywhere, sweet fragrant flowers bloomed to their beauty as morning shone. Underneath a big shady tree in their front yard sits grandmamma with a picnic cloth spread out beneath her seated position. She waves at the sight of a small girl with black curls, who happily came skipping towards her open arms.

    “Sugar, Do you love me?” She says as she gently strokes little Jyn’s head.
    “Uh-huh. I love you this big.” Jyn says while spreading her arms in measurement. They both laughed heartily as if no worries will befall on them.

    Grandmamma played with Jyn as if she, too, was a child herself. Laughter filled the air of joyous memories. In the midst of their playful moments, Grandmamma suddenly stops in her tracks. Jyn notices this & asks with concern in her tone. “Grandmamma, what’s wrong? Are you tired?”

    “No, Sugar. I’ll never be tired.” She lovingly said with a soft smile. She walks over to Jyn & held her little Jyn in her arms. She then combs Jyn’s hair with her fingers to fix those loose trends.

    “Sugar. My dear…. Grandmamma has to go now. So be a good girl now, okay.”
    “Where are you going?”
    “Somewhere far, my dear.”
    “Can I come?”
    “No…” pauses for a while “At least not now.”
    “When will you come back?” Jyn reluctantly asks.
    Grandmamma hesitated for a sec but gives Jyn a hug without coming clean of her journey. She plants a kiss on Jyn’s forehead then stood up.

    Seeing her grandmother’s intentions, she quickly grabs hold of her grandmother’s shirt. “Grandmamma, don’t go. Please.” Little Jyn pleads pitifully.

    Grandmamma turns her sight away from Jyn, shunning every possible painful glimpse of Jyn’s pleading eyes that’ll ache her ageing heart.

    Slowly & disheartened, she takes heavy steps away from the wailing child.

    “Grandmamma----- please stay. Don’t go! Jyn be a good girl.”

    Till the day her grandmother’s death, little Jyn hasn’t shed a tear. Although her eyes may be dry, but her heart weeps to her core, flooding her buried emotions. The cloth she once held in hand has now somehow vanished, leaving only an empty space in her small palm.

    With those missing cloth out of Grandmamma’s way, she resumes her journey. Little Jyn wants to run to her grandmother’s leaving sight but couldn’t. Her feet, like the rooted trees, stuck to the ground, hindering her from moving a step further. The only thing she could do was hearing the crack of her heart breaking. She kneels & bangs hard on the green ground that wretchedly roots her at this spot. While doing so, her eyes never left that haggard sight that forbids her to tag along. Just then grandmamma turns to face her, a smile curved at her pink lips. At that moment Jyn felt the ground beneath her loosening, without delay she pounces on her two feet in hope of catching up. Too late, her grandmother left with a smile, fading into the vast scenery

    “Grandmamma….” Jyn screamed bitterly at the vanished figure. Saying those aching words, Jyn awoke from her bitter dream. She sat on her bed, stiff from emotions. Her brother, Joe, by now had left her room, after seeing her sound asleep on her single bed.

    For the first time in days, Little Jyn sheds a tear.

    Jyn jolts out from her comforts, as she suddenly remembers the dream she had. She races to her front yard, to the same place where she dreamt of the same tree that stands proudly just beyond her glass door. Outside, everything’s different. Rain poured heavily instead of a warm sky. It was not a drizzle that made pitter patter sounds on your windowsill, it was a rainstorm at hand. Jyn makes her run to the tree. It awaits her arrival.

    On her way, she skids & scrapes her knees. In pain she cried even more, hot tears flowing as if it has no control over itself. The unforgiving rain beats down on her frail body, harshly masking her fallen tears.

    All alone in this cold & wet night, Jyn embraces herself in hope of bringing back her grandmother’s warm embraces. She loudly wails into the dark night knowing it’ll never be the same again. Shivering & exhausted from the continuous howls, she faints into a heap of puddle while her wet clothes desperately clings unto her weak body.

    The next morning, she awakes on her own bed. Her father explains to her the reason why they lost her grandmother. She died from stomach cancer. They found out about it months ago, it’s just they’ve kept the truth from her, sparing her the agony.

    Was it too long?

  2. #2
    Debbi Voisey

    Re: comment needed--2

    Being too long is not its problem. You shift tenses so often it's confusing. You must stick to one tense.

    And your grammar and sentence structure are bad.

    This is nowhere near ready, even for a critique. You should post for critique when all the mistakes (that you can possibly pick up) are gone, and all that is left is tweaking. Otherwise it is just too much of a task for people on here. Tedious and pointless.

    This board is not meant so that someone does your editing for you.

    Despite my comments, it is not my intention to be mean. I see your enthusiasm and you really are trying. I just hope that you can get past the "romance" of being a writer and concentrate on the "sh1tty" part of it. The part that helps you lose all the florid sentences and just tell the story.

    I know because I was guilty of it. Less is more. I have this board to thank for showing me that.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    zhi wong

    Re: comment needed--2

    Dear Debbi....
    Tnx 4d comment u gav..HARSH but truthful..
    Were you trying to tell me to drop my 'romance' & be ****ty!? or I read wrongly.
    p.s: I never said moi was ready..just wanted to know if there were any differences..

    Oh o.k..I get it now..Just BE the writter & not the Florid sentences! but...oh never mind.

    so much to work on &..huh..sorry for the grammar mistakes you guys..guilty as charged.

    I'll be back..all polished..sleek & smooth.

  4. #4
    Maika B

    Re: comment needed--2

    Take your first paragraph for example:

    "In a certain part of the balcony": it must be a huuuuuuge balcony then.
    "basking under the warm afternoon": can you sit UNDER the afternoon?
    "whilst watching every green leaf": gawd, she must feel dizzy watching every single one of them.
    "every green leaf float slowly towards gravity": gravity isn't something you can GO to.
    "Soon this sight will wither": tense inconsistency. Should be "would".
    " the cold, white winter in comparison to her silver hair": this doesn't mean anything.

    Sorry, but I don't want to read more. You've got big problems here. I read a few lines randomly though and can make two more comments:

    1: You CAN'T use "&". It shows laziness. Use "and".
    2: You have a serious problem with time consistency. Sometimes you get it wrong inside the same sentence. For example: "She plants a kiss on Jyn’s forehead then stood up."

    Sorry for those harsh comments. But you asked, so I'm telling you.

    Oh, and also, this ("Tnx 4d comment u gav..") is most unwelcome on a writing forum. Sorry, but it makes me cringe.

  5. #5
    Debbi Voisey

    Re: comment needed--2

    zhi... are we communuicating by cell phone??!!!

    My comment to you about the romance really meant don't be too in love with your own words and with flowery prose that you don't do the hard (and often thankless) work of getting your story told. Often the process and what it puts you through isn't pretty, but the result can be.


  6. #6
    Maika B

    Re: comment needed--2

    Oh, sorry. Point 2 should read "tense" consistency, not "time".

  7. #7
    Joe Zeff

    Re: comment needed--2

    I'm presuming that English is, at least, your second language and that you haven't quite mastered the grammar of it. In your opening, you say, "Is there any improvements compared to the first posting?" Either start with 'Are,' or use 'improvement' because in English your subject and verb are expected to agree. (That is, a plural noun like improvements uses a plural verb, while improvement would use a singular one.) Just remembering this one, simple rule will help you avoid an entire class of errors, making your writing better.

    Good luck, and keep on truckin'!

  8. #8
    Brian W

    Re: comment needed--2

    Your sentences continue to ramble on. This is distracting. Try having some short sentences -- less than ten words.

    Here's an example of rambling:

    "In a certain part of the balcony, basking under the warm afternoon, Grandmamma was enjoying the start of an autumn breeze whilst watching every green leaf float slowly towards gravity. Soon this sight will wither to welcome the cold, white winter in comparison to her silver hair that’s neatly tied back, which bobs to her every movement. Every beaming smile portrays her ageing years as each line creases on what was once a flawless face."

    Your first sentence has thirty words. Your second has twenty-six words. And your third has eighteen. This are all very, very long. While I have read some old 19th century books with long sentences, most modern literature varies sentence length more. You might be reading too much "school" literature. Try reading some contemporary authors.

    Also, try spell checking. After I copied and pasted your paragraph, Firefox is underlying a bunch of potentially misspelled words.

  9. #9
    Chris Redd

    Re: comment needed--2

    "In a certain part of the balcony, basking under the warm afternoon, Grandmamma was enjoying the start of an autumn breeze whilst watching every green leaf float slowly towards gravity"

    You killed your story right there. You are trying way to hard to be specific. You need to shorten this post. The thing that I like about your writing is that it is very descriptive. I like the way you wrote this story, but you need to shorten it. Your writing is like looking through a magnifying glass. After a while readers will tire of examining every little detail and just want to move on. You need to learn to shorten and edit your post. I think an agent would look at this though.

  10. #10
    Chris Redd

    Re: comment needed--2


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