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  1. #1
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    What's wrong with this paragraph?

    How does this read? I tried to edit it down as much as possible, but I am still not sure it's short enough. If there isn't a problem with the editing, is it at all a good start for a story?
    ------------------------------------------------------------

    Gusts of wind scattered the orange-brown leaves that littered the streets of Oak Tree Falls. first inspection one might mistake it for a ghost town. In the daytime, there were no cars in the driveways, no children playing, and no signs of life.



  2. #2
    Lewis R
    Guest

    Re: What's wrong with this paragraph?

    Hmm. Interesting start. I would, however, kick out ‘Gusts of wind scattered the orange-brown leaves.’

    Just start like this. ‘The wind scattered the leaves.’

    Just my opinion.

    There are people on this site who are more professional than me.

    Lewis.

  3. #3
    Paul Harris
    Guest

    Re: What's wrong with this paragraph?

    Yeah. I'm sure this is serious. Three sentences and you can't remember that sentences begin with capital letters? Fool me once, etc.

  4. #4
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: What's wrong with this paragraph?

    Wow, this person is seriously needy.

  5. #5
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: What's wrong with this paragraph?

    What Paul and Mutt said. Maybe Santa will bring Chris a life for Christmas.

  6. #6
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: What's wrong with this paragraph?

    Alrighty, Chris...Paul notices a typo and feels really superior about it. What's that tell you about his ability to give writing advice?

    Now here's some real advice.

    The first sentence should be something like "The autumn leaves swirled in the streets of Oak Tree Falls." With that verb, you show gusts of wind without telling it.

    "Inspection" means close examination; you want something more cursory like "at first glance".

    There better be some delapidated or condemned buildings in Oak Tree Falls or nobody's going to mistake it for a ghost town. Merely no signs of life does not a ghost town make. Actually, I'd lose the ghost town thing entirely and re-word the final sentence to impart a sense of abandonment. Use good verbs.

  7. #7
    Paul Harris
    Guest

    Re: What's wrong with this paragraph?

    Well John, clearly you're peeved because I didn't respond well to your post in Writing Craft. Get over it. Take the time to review all of Chris' posts and you'll understand my comment.

  8. #8
    Paul Harris
    Guest

    Re: What's wrong with this paragraph?

    Oh, this is Writing Craft - silly me.

  9. #9
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: What's wrong with this paragraph?

    Peeved? No. I don't even know you. You haven't the ability to peeve me yet.

    You're right though...I don't know Chris. But I do know enough not to be snide.

    Perhaps with time, I'll learn that giving advice to Chris is useless. Then I'll just give it to someone else without giving Chris a backhand.

  10. #10
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    Re: What's wrong with this paragraph?

    Oh man, that didn't copy right, it should have been: "On first inspection one might mistake it for a ghost town". The completed paragraph reads as such:


    Gusts of wind scattered the orange-brown leaves that littered the streets of Oak Tree Falls. On first inspection one might mistake it for a ghost town. In the daytime, there were no cars in the driveways, no children playing, and no signs of life.

    I wasn't trying to be funny, It must have been omitted as I was editing that paragraph. The original was six or seven sentences long, but it contained too much extraneous information, so I decided to slim it down. Thanks everyone for the comments, and I will make sure that I omit typo's from future post.

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