HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 63
  1. #1
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    How does this read.


    How does this read? I am beginning a novel and I just wondered how it reads from someone else' point of view. This is only a first draft.


    .................................................. ...........

    The cackling sound of burning logs emitted from the fire that richly warmed the small abode of John Brody, a young apple grower who lived on the outskirts of a nearby town. brody fair complexion and smooth hair the color of coal, his features made him irresistible to the opposite sex. The opposite sex; however, was something Brody had no time for, as he had recently married a bride and begun planting a new garden. Brody's bride was named Madeline and from the first moment he had seen her, he had been her prisoner, captivated body and mind. Madeline eyes were the color of green emeralds and her hair was rich velvety almond. It was her fierce persistence; however, her love of life, and her ability to see new possibilities that most fascinated Brody the most about Madeline.



  2. #2
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    Re: How does this read.



    I noticed some gramatical erros so I changed them in this version....



    The cackling sound of burning logs emitted from the fire that richly warmed the small abode of John Brody, a young apple grower who lived on the outskirts of a nearby town. Brody’s fair complexion and smooth hair, which was the color of coal, made him irresistible to the opposite sex. Something Brody had no time for, as he had recently married a bride and begun planting a new garden. Brody's new bride was named Madeline. From the first moment their eyes met, he had been her prisoner, captivated body and soul. Her eyes were the color of green emeralds and her hair was rich velvety almond. It was her fierce persistence and her love of life along with her ability to see new possibilities in everything that most fascinated Brody the most about Madeline.

  3. #3
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    Re: How does this read.

    I mean grammatical errors

  4. #4
    Gregory White
    Guest

    Re: How does this read.

    overwritten.

    "richly warmed the small abode"
    ????

    you're trying too hard to be a "writer".

    G.

  5. #5
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: How does this read.

    What Gregory said. Don't let the writing get in the way of telling the story. And for the life of me, I can't make sense of the opening sentence. Is it a sentence? Read it aloud. Better yet, have someone who's never read it before read it to you. Luck.
    km

  6. #6
    Dave S
    Guest

    Re: How does this read.

    Besides being overwritten, it's all telling and no showing. Try starting with a scene, maybe one showing Brody in conversation with his new bride.

  7. #7
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    Re: How does this read.

    Great I have solved my grammar problem lol, but how is the story overwritten? How is it showing and not telling?

  8. #8
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    Re: How does this read.

    How about this?

    The cackling sound of burning logs emitted from the fire that warmed John Brody’s small cottage. An apple grower by trade, Brody lived on the outskirts of Boston where his orchard would have the most fertile soil. Being a very handsome man, Brody grew weary of the constant visitations by the single woman in Boston, who always found some excuse to come visit him. The opposite sex was something Brody had little time for, as gardening requires a constant, diligent hand. In addition to this, Brody had recently married. His wife was named Madeline. From the first moment they met his only thought was of her. Her eyes were the color of green emeralds and her hair was rich velvety almond. Even over her beauty, John loved Madeline’s incomparable fascination with life. Madeline never once saw the glass as being as being half empty; she always saw it as being half full

  9. #9
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: How does this read.

    Chris, your first sentence isn't one, it's a fragment. If you can't see that, you need to study basic grammar.

  10. #10
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: How does this read.

    "The cackling sound of burning logs emitted from the fire that warmed John Brody’s small cottage."

    If you can't tell what's wrong with this sentence, you need to start from scratch.

    The rest of the paragraph is filled with errors as well.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts