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Thread: Fragment..

  1. #1
    M. Deschanel


    (A quick sketch..thanks.)

    Julie had never seen such colors. In the mirror of the diner's bathroom, fraught with bleach smell, she saw the purples, the lilacs, the crimsons of her swollen eye. She fumbled with her makeup, attempting the semblance of the human. But there was no time, no time at all. The breakfast crowd was arriving, and she had a great deal to do.

    Plunging through the steam and chaos of of the kitchen, she was hotly aware of the looks. The busboys, the line chefs stared, her bruised eye making her a sort of celebrity curiosity as word spread. An anti-star in an immaculate apron.

    "Julie!" Marie's voice thundered like Juno's across the restaurant from her seat at the cash register. Motherly rage, another lecture about that goddamned man. Julie smiled from across the diner, gave a wave, a whirling wrist motion that said, I can't talk right now, sorry. Marie had seen the purple too now, and shook her head with disgust as she read the racing news.

    Tables ten through fourteen were easy for Julie, but nine was a bother- a lady in a green tailored suit had found a seed in her orange juice, and felt like speaking sternly to Julie about it, about how very disappointed she was, to find this seed. And her eggs- they were intolerably overdone, why, they were the ghastliest eggs she'd ever had.
    The lady was quite let down.

    Julie gave her deepest apologies, begged the lady for forgiveness. The woman in the green tailored suit looked at Julie quizzically, softened, then exulted in her own magnaminity. "Oh, I'm sure it's not your fault, dear. Just DO tell the kitchen!
    Because, really, it's inexcusable. Just dreadful. "

  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt

    Re: Fragment..

    What is this, beginning, middle, what?

  3. #3

    Re: Fragment..

    What Rogue asked.

    Also, point of view issues.

  4. #4

    Re: Fragment..

    "In the mirror of the diner's bathroom, fraught with bleach smell"

    How can the mirror be "fraught with bleach smell?" That's how you've written it.

    "attempting the semblance of the human."

    Whatever that means.

    "Plunging through the steam and chaos of of the kitchen, she was hotly aware of the looks."

    Steam and chaos and she's hotly aware. It's a bit much, don't you think?

    "An anti-star in an immaculate apron."

    Again, whatever that means.

    I'm done at this point. You're trying too hard to make everthing deep, and the resulting over-writing is not fun to read. Pare it down.

  5. #5
    Paul Harris

    Re: Fragment..

    I like it. It's colorful and involving. As to the mirror and the bleach you might consider something like:

    In the the diner's bathroom, fraught with bleach smell, she looked in the mirror and saw...

    That is if you're determined to cling to 'fraught" instead of something less glamourous.

  6. #6

    Re: Fragment..

    Fraught doesn't work. Period.

  7. #7
    M. Deschanel

    Re: Fragment..

    I agree, "fraught" is terrible, looking at it now, I wondered about keeping it.
    And you're also right about POV issues.

    "Attempting the semblance of the human" meant- trying to hide her disfiguring wound.

    "An anti-star": the opposite of a celebrity, but that people still stare at. A person that people are talking about, but for the wrong reasons. Or are stars and freaks the same?

    I wrote this last night , on the fly in the comment panel on Writers Net, a flash exercise I suppose. I should've made that clear, maybe. This isn't part of a WIP, it was just a 20 minute burst of trying to get over a bit of writer's block. I really appreciate reading all your critiques of others, just wanted to sketch something and blast it out. I think my "go" word was "purple". That's why I called it "Fragment"- not its proper title, just what it is.

    Anyway, much appreciated, honestly.

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