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  1. #21
    Lindsey Carnahan
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    Ha! How about sentEnce?



  2. #22
    S Stull
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    Lindsey:

    These suggestions are good.

    Also: Sporadically is not a word that fits into your work right now. I realise what YOU mean, I know what IT means, but I feel like you're trying to impress someone. (And the word reminds me of a disease, hehe)

    Have to agree, the (lol) sporadic use of the capitalisation, however artfully applied, is not quite right.

    Last, when using dialogue, a comma precedes the tag (he said, she said. You had a place or two in your piece that should have been, "Et cetera," he said. (Or whatnot.)

    Good luck, Lyra

  3. #23
    d. Leroy
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    "...was falling so gently..." , "I didn't know what exactly..." , "I wandered aimlessly, pausing sporadically..."

    You're trying to write elegantly and failing miserably (pun intended). Just tell the story.

    Also, it was mentioned earlier to proof-read stuff before you post it. This will save you a tremendous amount of heart-ache.

    d.

  4. #24
    Lindsey Carnahan
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    HaHa. I didn't realize sporadic was an impressive word.

  5. #25
    S Stull
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    It's not. But neither is it a common word.

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