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  1. #1
    Lindsey Carnahan
    Guest

    This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    The snow was falling so gently it was barely noticeable on my bare skin. The cold for that matter, also had no bearing as I walked through the woods clad only in my night
    gown. I didn’t know what exactly, I was doing in the forest, but that didn’t seem to matter All that much.

    I wandered aimlessly, pausing sporadically to touch the snow, or pat it into a ball. As I Leaned down to pick up some of the powdery substance, I heard the faintest sound. I stopped And strained my ears to pick it up again.
    Nothing.

    I started walking a little further down, hoping the farther I went, the better I might hear this mysterious sound. As I did so, I found that I was correct. I stopped and strained my hearing once more. The sound was still faint, almost a whisper but it sounded as if Someone was calling my name. Intrigued, I followed the call until I found myself Standing in front of a caves entrance. I felt as if I had been there before but I didn’t know Where or when.

    As I ascended into the mouth of the cave, the voice became louder, more clear. I knew For sure at this point, it was my name that was being repeated over and over as if i Wouldn’t stop until I found the source of it. The cave wound around into dark corners and for some reason I followed without fear And fueled by curiosity and something else. Something I couldn’t control.

    After what seemed like hours of twists and turns, I thought I saw the faintest glow of light. Excitement erupted in my chest as I found my journeys end. I ran at this point, wanting To get there,wherever there may be,as fast as possible.

    I suddenly stopped short, almost like a car that was doing seventy and then abruptly had The brakes slammed on. A man stood in front of me, holding a torch about the size of my forearm. He was wearing a dark cloak with a hood draped over his head so far, that all I could make out was his chin.

    “Lacey.” The voice called out in almost a whisper. I had wondered how it was possible i heard such a low sound so far away.

    “Yes?” I responded. Not really knowing what I should be saying and yet, feeling like I was suppose to be here. Supposed to meet this strange man.

    The man stood quite still for some time. The only movement came from the licking of The flame on the end of the torch. I stood just as motionless, I wasn’t even sure if I was breathing. Finally the man took his vacant hand and slowly but in one very fluid Motion, lifted the ominous hood from his face.

    When the man behind the hood was revealed, my heart stopped beating completely. My breath was caught in my throat. I wanted to scream, but the paralyzation of fear kept My larynx from obeying my brain.

    “We finally meet. It’s long overdue.” Lycan said with an evil grin.


    I shot up out of the bed. My heart was beating a mile a minute on some sort of adrenaline rush. I put my hand to my forehead and willed myself to calm down.

    It was just a nightmare.

    When I pulled my hand from my head I realized I was sweating as if I had just spent the Past hour in a sauna. I looked around the dark room. I didn’t really know what I would find But I found it instinctive. I shot my gaze to the alarm clock suddenly wondering what time It was. The clock showed in bright red numbers that it was two in the morning. I lay myself back down on the bed.

    I willed my brain to sleep knowing in only a matter of hours I had to catch a plane. But somehow it wasn’t as easy a task as I hoped. That dream, was all I could think about. What Did it mean? Lycan of all things. I didn’t even know what he looked like other than that Vague glimpse of him from the attic window.

    Yet he was so vivid and real.

    I was truly losing my mind. I must have just been very worried for Eric being in this house With him, with all his family. He had been a major part of the day and that was why I had Dreamt of him. That had to be it. I rolled over and closed my eyes.

    That had to be it, I tried to convince myself as I drifted Off to sleep.



  2. #2
    Paul Harris
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    I found the writing to be stiff and lifeless and if chapter twenty-two is this boring I wonder what horrors the previous chapters contained. Also, there are a number of grammatical errors that seem to suggest a complete absence of proof-reading.

    I didn’t know what exactly, I was doing in the forest, but that didn’t seem to matter All that much.

    The sound was still faint, almost a whisper but it sounded as if Someone was calling my name.

    I knew For sure at this point, it was my name that was being repeated over and over as if i Wouldn’t stop until I found the source of it.

    That had to be it, I tried to convince myself as I drifted Off to sleep.

    I'm sure many readers will do likewise. Why the random capitalization?

  3. #3
    Freda Hammond
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    ouch. Is it so difficult to give opinions without being cruel?

    "I'm sure many readers will do likewise" Is that necessary?

    "wonder what horrors the previous chapters contain" Really. How are statements like that helpful? Or was that not your intent? Was your intent to hurt? People never cease to disappoint me. I think I will go visit the gaming forums. At least I expect such behavior there and they are more creative about it.

  4. #4
    Misty Mann
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    I have to agree. Burn all 22 chapters and read 22 CLASSIC novels. Then, you may get the idea on what people like to read. You may also understand the writing structure. Try picking up a grammar handbook. It will help tremendously.

  5. #5
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    I look a quick glance at your profile, Lindsey. You wrote, "...to write you're characters" and again in another sentence, "...when asked to write you're own..."

    You probably meant to say "your" in each case, right?


    *_*

  6. #6
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    your artistic/ ignorant capitalization will not be appreciated by editors.

  7. #7
    mar quesa
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    Hi Lindsey,

    Very quick comment:

    I think that the general idea is okay. However, the sentence structure comes across as awkward, making the whole thing hard to follow.

    Take a look at this sentence"
    I stopped And strained my ears to pick it up again.

    Try to simplify, e.g I stopped and listened, I stopped to listen.

    Now look at this sentence:
    A man stood in front of me, holding a torch about the size of my forearm.

    The bit about the size of the torch changes the focus of this sentence.

    A man holding a torch stood in front of me.

  8. #8
    Lindsey Carnahan
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    Thank you to the readers who gave actual critiques. This is a very rough copy and as for the "random capitalization", it was not intentional.

    I think it is only fair to mention, and not just on my behalf but others, that people seek help on these forums for just that, help. The hurtful comments don't do anyone any good. This does not hurt, however still should be said.

  9. #9
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    Okay, then...here's another sentence I found confusing:

    "Finally the man took his vacant hand and..." sounds to me like the hand wasn't even on the premises. (Of course, it really wasn't, as we learn later; the whole episode was a nightmare.)

    Did you mean to say "empty" hand? And he "took" it?

    *_*

  10. #10
    Lindsey Carnahan
    Guest

    Re: This is an excerpt from chapter 22 of my novel "The Changing". Critiques are appreciated!

    Yes i did. Thank you for pointing that out

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