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Thread: FEEDBACK PLEASE

  1. #1
    martha shmokler
    Guest

    FEEDBACK PLEASE

    PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK FOR A SHORT SHORT STORY THANKS
    ************************

    Sgt 234 Officer Don Jones worked with just the facts madam/sir kind of attitude. He did a lot of traffic work, making sure the speed limit and traffic signals were adhered to.

    It was a routine sunny afternoon. Sgt Jones looked in his rear and side view mirrors at other cars. The mustang on the left side blind view reved up his engine and flew past the traffic sign and Sgt Jones. Sgt Jones moved in behind him and ran the siren. Looking at the traffic design, he could see there was a possibility of hitting other cars; he moved his car to the right lane.

    The mustang was weaving in and out the cars. Sgt Jones called for backup. “Dispatch, red mustang license BC8 235, ran light and driving eratic”said Jones. Sgt. Jones felt it was too late. Sweat was on his brow and his hands were clammy, his foot was heavy on his pedal. He heard a crunch and could see that the red mustang was in control by another cruiser. In order to keep from causing other wrecks and death, Sgt Jones sped up, moved to the right side, ran into the ditch and hugged a tree with a crunching sound

    Sgt Jones didn’t even see or hear the ambulance and fire truck, sirens roaring as they were coming to his rescue. He wasn’t aware of the drive to the hospital. Nor could he hear the EMTs, with sweat on their brow, trying to resuscitate him.

    “Don? Don? This is Dr. Smith I’m from the emergency room. He is not hearing us; he is in a coma. Get some oxygen and call a surgeon stat.” yelled the doctor.

    Four months later Don came out of his coma and was told about his accident.
    “Don, you saved so many people from causing life-threatening accidents including death.”,said his nurse.
    “I did? I don’t even remember how I got into this hospital”, said Don.

    “Don, you have recovered enough to go to a rehabilitation hospital where you will learn to walk and learn cognitive skills. We are so happy for you.” said his nurse.

    Don said, “Thanks for all of your help and everyone else please tell all for me.”

    His doctor and his supervisor came to his room to speak with him.
    “Don, you have to learn to walk, memory skills and do some cognitive skills that you lost. You have a great life to live now. Said, Dr Jones.
    We are so sorry you will not be a police officer ever again.” Said Officer Smith.

    You could see disappointment in his eyes and face about not going back to work as a police officer. Don, not wanting to let anyone know how he felt said, “Oh, well”



  2. #2
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: FEEDBACK PLEASE

    cut the first two sentences. the reader will be able to derive that information from his behavior. plus it's hard to read.

    also, referring to sgt, jones as sgt. jones every single time is VERY repetitive. same goes for don don don don. pronouns are your friends.

    is this the entire story? oh well.

  3. #3
    Blair M
    Guest

    Re: FEEDBACK PLEASE

    What is this?

  4. #4
    Paul Harris
    Guest

    Re: FEEDBACK PLEASE

    It's terrible. I'm not in the habit of trying to tell anyone else how to write so I won't do that but this is really bad. The numerous errors are both basic and stylistic and its only virtue is that it's very short.

  5. #5
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: FEEDBACK PLEASE

    Is this for real?

  6. #6
    martha shmokler
    Guest

    Re: FEEDBACK PLEASE

    THANK EVERYONE FOR FEEDBACK.
    IF SOME OF YOU REMEMBER I AM REVAMPING AND RELEARNING SOME OF MY WRITING. I AM TRYING HARD ON MY WORK. i AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP YET. I'LL GET THERE WITH PRACTICE I HOPE.
    THANKS FOR FEEDBACK. MARTHA

  7. #7
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: FEEDBACK PLEASE

    WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

  8. #8
    Otto Rabe
    Guest

    Re: FEEDBACK PLEASE

    MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STUCK>>>>>>>>>>>>

  9. #9
    Gregory White
    Guest

    Re: FEEDBACK PLEASE

    yes, reading Sgt. over and over made me tired and my eyes hurt.

    Try "He" every once in a while.

    Gregory

  10. #10
    S Stull
    Guest

    Re: FEEDBACK PLEASE

    Good luck, Martha.

    Just remember: When quoting someone, like "Etc, etc," he said... the comma goes inside the quotes.

    Lyra

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