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Thread: eh.

  1. #1
    Hannah JJ
    Guest

    eh.

    okay. my opening. please critique, thanks.


    The lack of sound was pulsating in my ears. Please, just a noise, just a whisper in my direction. I felt my chest rise and fall with my breath, and still not a sound reached the crevices of my ear canal. Not a clank nor a clink, nor a ding nor a dong. There was sound, of course, just not a piece that belonged to me. It belonged to the little girl with strawberry blonde hair tied up in pigtails whose mouth twisted open into a scream. It belonged to the man with wrinkly, tanned skin who was clutching a newspaper in his hand, ready to make his purchase, while he puckered his lips, whistling a tune. It belonged to the beep-beep of the blinking light marked Lane 21 telling customers of Mitch’s Grocery to move forward for the next available check-out lane.

    No, none of these sounds were for me. I could hear them, of course. I could hear them clear as day, the soft voices that you strain to hear and the deep voices that commanded attention. These sounds were for the people of Grenner City, population, eh… who cares?

    The funny thing about being a black sheep in Grenner is, well there really is nothing funny about it. I suppose I should be happy, and rejoice for not being harassed and scolded daily. The town has decided, almost unanimously, that they tired of relentless persecution, and that they would much rather pretend I didn’t exist.
    “Ma’m.” A voice. It found me. “Ma’m, you’re next.”
    I shuffled my feet towards the smiling lady wearing a red vest behind the cash register. She must be new in town.

    “So did you find everything you were looking for?” A honey sweet southern accent. She swiped my items happily, creating a rhythmic beep, beep, beep. She definitely must be new in town.

    A mumbled yes slips through my lips as I smile weakly. Pardon me for not being well-practiced in this social thing they call talking. Ha.



  2. #2
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: eh.

    What's the point of this? You open with the lack of sound, not a clink. And you follow with, "There was sound of course." To my ear, this comes across as gibberish.

    I would say you should focus on what you're trying to accomplish, but I think that wold be wasted advice. You need to read. Study. Dissect successful writers and try to emulate them. Then develop your own voice.

    But not this one.

    My opinion. Sorry.

  3. #3
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: eh.

    gotta agree. the sound thing is a ridiculous way of trying to show she is an outsider. if you're determined to carry on with this sort of thing, make it something significant, like a look. people looking at everyone but her. sounds don't actually belong to anyone. a direct address belongs to someone. words, maybe. the sounds are there and she hears them. no one is TALKING to her. THAT is the actual point. the generalization to sound is weak and too artsy--in a bad way, a contrived way. Just develop a genuine, compelling voice. you're trying way too hard.

    i'm with jayce. read, read, read.

  4. #4
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: eh.

    your story doesn't even really start until "the funny thing about..." scrap the rest and get on with it.

  5. #5
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: eh.

    and it's "ma'am," short for madam. and you switched to present tense all of a sudden in the last line...

  6. #6
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: eh.

    The lack of sound was pulsating in my ears.

    Far as I got. Sorry. Don't let the writing get in the way of telling a story. Luck.
    km

  7. #7
    Sam English
    Guest

    Re: eh.

    What Keith said.

  8. #8
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: eh.

    "The funny thing about being a black sheep in Grenner is, well there really is nothing funny about it."

    That's where it starts, and everything before that should be joyfully deleted.

  9. #9
    Jessica E
    Guest

    Re: eh.

    I agree with everyone else. The story doesn't become interesting until the third paragraph.

  10. #10
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: eh.

    I agree with your agreement with everyone else.

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