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  1. #1
    larry moses
    Guest

    test query - numero 3

    This is query test number 3. I've been editing and re-editing over the weekend while I wait for responses from the queries I sent out. So here goes.

    Dear Agent Bless Your Heart:

    Jerome Brown estranged himself from his wife Nicole and thier three children. Feeling resentment toward Nicole for giving birth to their daughter Florence, born with dwarfism, Jerome's resentment turns to hatred. His hatred intensifies, particularly hatred for Florence, when he hears two of his co-workers making derogatory remarks about dwarfs. He's disatisfied with the way his life has turned out, and hates his job as an auto repairman at his friend's garage. When Senator Brickham Rose befriends Jerome and invites him to go sailing on his 60ft. yacht, Jerome is flattered. He's impressed with the Senators idyllic lifestyle and looks forwored to spending as much time as possible in the Senator's company.

    'Brick', as the Senator is afectionatly called by his loyal supporters can do no wrong. A pillar of society, he's almost revered by the inhabitants on this small island in the Caribbean. That's why there is ourrage and shock when the Senator is forcefully removed from an aircraft at the airport. When details of the Senator's private life follows his arrest, the inhatitants are stunned beyond belief.

    Jerome has reason to be more affected by the scandal than most. Now he must make a choice between life or death because of what he learns about the Senator.

    "Smell Like A Rose" is the title of this 95,000 word romance/suspense novel.



  2. #2
    Debra Storky
    Guest

    Re: test query - numero 3

    I haven't read your prior query letters. My main concern with this one is that people won't want to read about a negative person who hates everything. And his resentment toward his wife for birthing a handicapped baby makes Jerome particularly unsympathetic. I think this is a manuscript problem more than a query letter problem. You can have the best query letter in the world, but if there's a fundamental problem with your manuscript, it'll do you no good.

    Secondly, the query letter doesn't show how Jerome and Brick are related. It's disjointed.

    Thirdly, how is this a romance? The query letter doesn't reveal this at all except for saying it's a romantic suspense novel.

  3. #3
    larry moses
    Guest

    Re: test query - numero 3

    Thanks, Debra.

    What do they want to read? Syrupy books? You have to have one or two negattive characters in a story. It's not the manuscript, it's the damn query. I'm putting the wrong information.

  4. #4
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: test query - numero 3

    Is there some kind of gay romance between Jerome and the senator? Really I don't think all that stuff at the beginning about dwarfs and such matters. Sounds like the gist is that Jerome is divorced and unhappy until he meets a senator, they have a good time, but then the senator is arrested and...I'm not sure what.

  5. #5
    larry moses
    Guest

    Re: test query - numero 3

    Lord, I think I'm going to give up on this query SHEET. No, they are not gay.

    Jerome and Nicole meet, fall in love, get married. Jerome loses his job, he becomes bitter and turnes away from his family leaving Nicole to struggle with three children - one child is hancicapped. The Senator takes his automobiles to the garage where Jerome works. He takes a liking to Jerome. Invites him to go sailing. They become friends. The Senator is aressted, thrown in the slammer. Jerome is devastated when he learns about the Senator's secret life. He can't cope with what he learns so he's....whatever.

  6. #6
    Jeanne Gassman
    Guest

    Re: test query - numero 3

    Larry,

    You just found the basis of your query. Now, can you sum up the main story in a single sentence?

    Jeanne

  7. #7
    Busy Lizzy
    Guest

    Re: test query - numero 3

    I'm not going to comment on the contents of your book or your plot (dwarfs and all that).

    You want help with the query. If you do some cutting and pasting, I think you might improve it a great deal. And you made some gross spelling mistakes. Careful of those!
    'Brick', as the Senator is affectionately called by his loyal supporters can do no wrong. A pillar of society, he's almost revered by the inhabitants on the small island in the Caribbean. That's why there is outrage and shock when the Senator is forcefully removed from an aircraft at the airport. When details of the Senator's private life follow his arrest, the inhatitants are stunned beyond belief.
    Jerome has reason to be more affected by the scandal than most.When Senator Brickham Rose befriended Jerome and invited him to go sailing on his 60ft. yacht, Jerome was flattered. He was impressed with the Senators idyllic lifestyle and looking forward to spending as much time as possible in the Senator's company.
    Now he must make a choice between life or death because of what he learns about the Senator.

  8. #8
    Busy Lizzy
    Guest

    Re: test query - numero 3

    For example, it's got to be "inhabitants" the second time around (again, take care with your spelling, or else the agents won't look twice!)

  9. #9
    Busy Lizzy
    Guest

    Re: test query - numero 3

    I would leave it at that. You get a fairly good idea of what the conflict in your book could be about, and there is a hint of mystery that makes your query intriguing.

    I would leave out all the details about Jerome's private life. Save them for your synopsis.
    But that's just my opinion.

  10. #10
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: test query - numero 3

    Is this a novel or a short story?












    Thanks, I'll be here all week ...

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