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  1. #71
    Jean Bonifacios
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Bring your own food = BYOF



  2. #72
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Aw Jean, food? Busted my bubble.

  3. #73
    Jean Bonifacios
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    I was really trying to come up with some raunchy word but it's too early in the morning for me on that one.

  4. #74
    Busy Lizzy
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    That's OK, Nan. Buzzy sounds rather nice too. Buzzy Lizzy. Buzzy buzzy...

    Bizzy Luzzy... Lazy Buzzy...

    I'd love to come to your party too, so we could discuss this, but alas, I'm miles and miles away across the ocean.

    (sigh)

    In fact, when you guys are happily chatting away, I'm either sleeping cause of the time difference, or working.

    (sob)

    On the other hand, I don't have to worry who to vote for president.

    I'm just going to sit back and see what you're going to decide.

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

    Buzzy Lizzy

  5. #75
    Nan Hammond
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Not me.
    I'm not from Americaland.

  6. #76
    Busy Lizzy
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Oh right, from Japanland. Sorry. So we'll both sit back crossing our fingers hoping that they vote for the right one.

  7. #77
    Chris Redd
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    I would definitely not stop writing. Your story has promise, I agree with some of the reviews. Overall it's a well written piece. The story is somewhat engaging,definitely worth telling. I agree that the story has to many adjectives, and it is overbearing to the point that it distracts from being able to get into the story. You need to redirect those adjectives so that they add to your story, not carry it. You can't just talk about what something looks like in the hope that it will cause your reader to be interested. Write about it so that it is interesting. Also this story is not long enough to merit a prologue, but that's only because it's one chapter, and normally a prologue is used to give back information before starting a story.


    I do like the fact that your grammar is good. I think it's great you are at a place where you main concern is not bad grammar and you can focus on what counts most in a novel, the story itself. I don't think it's to far of a stretch to think of seeing you on the best sellers list.

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