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  1. #21
    A.L. Sirois
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Oops. Well, I stand corrected. Balls, balls, balls.

    Balls.



  2. #22
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Apparently not. It is interesting what gets censored and what doesn't, though.

  3. #23
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Yeah! Now, that's some interesting writing! BALLS, BALLS, BALLS!!

  4. #24
    A.L. Sirois
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    George Carlin mode:
    @!#$, piss, @!#$, ****, cocksucker, @!#$, and tits.
    End George Carlin mode.

    Okay! let's see what the filter makes of <u>those</u> guys.

  5. #25
    Cristina Frankel
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    So, you guys are saying that I just have too much description in my writing? It's funny though, because I really don't TRY to write like that. It's just how it comes out for me. I originally began with poetry and, obviously, poetry is much more descriptive than story writing. Also, my favorite form of writing is imagery, so that COULD be the reason I put so much description. I try and make it so my readers and can see, hear, feel, and smell what I'm saying, but I have often thought that I may do that TOO much. I just don't know how to change my natural instinct of writing.

  6. #26
    A.L. Sirois
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Well, now we know.

    So let's finesse it:

    Sh!t, piss, fvck, cvnt, c0cksucker, m0ther****er, and tits.

    Isn't it fun to be an intellectual?

  7. #27
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    That's the problem, Cristina. There's nothing "natural" about the writing. It's all structure, and your intention to "make" the reader see, hear, feel and smell is getting in the way of any kind of natural flow.

  8. #28
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    you seem, as a rule, to be attaching two modifiers to each noun. that's part of the reason this piece might come off as parody. trim your modifiers down to what is necessary.

    "blazing, hot" blazing is all that is needed since it's a stronger form of the descriptive hot. use the stronger one, ditch the redundant, weaker one. that's one example. go through the piece and highlight every instance of more than one adjective, then decide which is most important, which is stronger and conveys more meaning. Prune it.

  9. #29
    Cristina Frankel
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Thanks The Midnight Writer! That actually helps a lot.

  10. #30
    A.L. Sirois
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Christina, you wrote:
    She was a beautiful woman, Veronica, inside and out. It was difficult for the whole town to get over her death, let alone her dear, loving family. What really got to me though, what could always put me down no matter how happy I was, were the constant comments of my striking resemblance to her. It was true; I could not deny it. We both were blessed with stunning, light blue eyes and our figures, curving but slim, were identical. She, as well as I, had long, plangent brunette hair, which I loved. Even though, its thick, wolf-like texture often made it hard to do anything productive. Of course, that is, besides the classic ponytail and, possibly, a loose, messy bun.

    This is <u>way</u> overwritten, to my way of thinking. Who the devil refers to herself as "stunning"? Only a supreme narcissist, or a loser writing a personal ad. And what is "wolf-like"? Who <u>cares</u> about pony-tails and the like? Get on with the bloody story!

    Thus:
    She was a beautiful woman, my mother, inside and out. It was difficult for the town, let alone our family, to get over her death. What bothered me most, though, were the constant comments about my striking resemblance to her. We both were blue-eyed brunettes, slim of build. The only difference was my skin. Hers was tawny, mine, like my father's, quite pale.

    All the rest is pointless.

    Others may not agree.

    But they are wrong.

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