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  1. #11
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    You've been such a brat that I certainly wouldn't help you now.



  2. #12
    Cristina Frankel
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    I was only responding to your unneeded reaction to my post on the other thread where you called me a "twit". In my response, I in no way resorted to calling you any names. I'm sorry if I offended you, but I'm sure you would have defended your self as well if someone was to call YOU that.

  3. #13
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    I wouldn't have called people out in the first place by suggesting the author not listen to certain critiques. That's why I called you a twit, twit.

  4. #14
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    This piece needs editing with a machete. You're trying so hard to sound deep, it's coming out like a parody of serious writing. If that's your intention, it's going great. If not, you need to read it out loud and start chopping.

  5. #15
    Cristina Frankel
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    I understand where you are coming from, but that's what works for me when I get critiques that are hurtful. I read them, try and pick out what can be helpful, and dispose of what is just damn negative and useless. I wasn't trying to tell anyone that they are bad people or that they have bad opinions, because that is not the case. I was just giving her advice so she doesn't just stop writing all together because what people are saying to her MAY come off cruel.

  6. #16
    Cristina Frankel
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    You think that it sounds like I'm trying to make fun of serious stories?

  7. #17
    Kate B.
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    I think that this is a little over-written. For example:

    My mind was having a hard time coming back to life once I had pictured his heartbreaking, wrinkled frown. It had been there so often since my mother, Veronica, died only a year ago from lung cancer, such a horrible attribute to cigarette smoking, and I couldn't help but sometimes feel responsible. I tried, though, I tried whatever I could to make those deep lines go away, but sadly, I was very bad at that one particular job.

    Is her mind dead? I know what you are trying to say, but in an effort to make it dramatic, you (I think) have over-stated the situation. I also think that you're word choices are a little imprecise. Like lung cancer being an "attribute" to cigarette smoking. I don't think that's the word you are looking for.

    Go through and cut out as many adjectives and adverbs as you can. Then remove anything that makes a sentence luke-warm (like "sometimes" or "maybe"). Make sure all of your word choices are precisely what you want to say. If I were going to edit that paragraph, I would say:

    I had a hard time coming back to reality after I pictured his heartbreaking (I picked "Heartbreaking" rather than "Wrinkled" because I didn't want two modifiers here and heartbreaking was the stronger) frown. He had frowned so often since my mother, (Veronica-I'd cut the name, unless the child thinks of her parents in terms of their first names. I'm 33 and I still think "Mom and Dad"), died only a year ago from lung cancer. She had smoked for 25 years (This offers some insight to mom's personality…). (In the next bit, I'm assuming that she feels responsible for Dad's frown rather than Mom's cancer, but as written, I'm not sure) I tried to make Dad's deep lines go away but (but sadly-leave this out….don't tell me how to feel, make me actually feel sad) I was bad at that job.

    I hope this helps….

  8. #18
    A.L. Sirois
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Keep a tight grip on your ego, Christina -- you're gonna need it around here. :-)

    Rogue, give the kid some slack. You're supposed to be the adult but she is showing more dignity than <u>you</u> are. Would you have had the baals to put your stuff, unheralded, on an online forum full of snarkmeisters like us at that age? Save the invective for those deserving, like the **** troll.

  9. #19
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    "baals?" What the heck?

  10. #20
    A.L. Sirois
    Guest

    Re: New Story: Critique?

    Well, I can't write "balls" because the filter censors it.

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