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  1. #11
    Busy Lizzy
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    You could just say you pulled the strands off the food on your plate.
    Still,I agree with the others that it sounds strange.

    You get to wondering if those strands are actually connected to the scalp or have fallen off and gotten into the food and onto the toilet.

    Sorry if this sounds harsh, but IMO if the image is too kinky for one to get one's mind around it, people will slam the book shut. (At least, I would).

    Still, I like the way you're experimenting and trying out different things. --- Interesting...

    Busy Lizzy



  2. #12
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    "My hair touched my hips before the accident. It was long and beautiful. One by one Id pull strands of it from my eggs and the back of the toilet seat. I would flip it and giggle around boys when witty words escaped me."

    Read this paragraph aloud over and over until you understand why it's terrible. Please.

  3. #13
    Tracy Carpenter
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    I wouldn't say it is terrible, but I can understand the feedback from it.

  4. #14
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    You didn't say it's terrible. I did. But the fact that you can't hear what's wrong with it is a problem.

    "My hair touched my hips before the accident."

    Think about what "touch" means. If you're saying the hair was at hip length, or longer than her waist, or grew to her hips SAY IT. "Touched" implies a touch. It suggests that her hair was literally touching her hips before the accident.

    "It was long and beautiful" is fine, but it supplies nothing of value to the paragraph.

    "One by one Id pull strands of it from my eggs and the back of the toilet seat."

    Can you really not see that the juxtapositiion of "eggs" and "toilet seat" does not work ? When you talk about "from my eggs" the reader doesn't know if you're talking about a chicken egg or an egg inside her body. Women have eggs inside them.

    The implication is easily made that her hair was so long, it somehow wound up within her body, particularly when you back it up with "toilet seat" which suggests an image of this woman sitting on the can, yanking long hairs from between her legs.

    If you're trying to say that she got hair in her food, SAY IT. This effort you make throughout your writing to be poetic or obsure is making the work nonsense, which I doubt is your intention.

    "I would flip it and giggle around boys when witty words escaped me."

    Flip WHAT around? The toilet seat? Because that's what you were talking about last. And can you not see the awkwardness of the entire sentence? "Flip it and giggle around boys" doesn't work.

    You've got to begin to write in a manner that makes sense to a reader . No reader is going to spend this much time trying to figure out what the heck a writer really means.

  5. #15
    Ce Ce
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    What Leslee said.

    Especially the last two sentences.

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