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  1. #1
    Tracy Carpenter
    Guest

    Chapter Two start feedback?

    Here is the start to my Chapter two...granted, I am still toying with a word here and there on Chapter one (thank you ALL for you comments.)

    Chapter Two

    My hair touched my hips before the accident. It was long and beautiful. One by one I’d pull strands of it from my eggs and the back of the toilet seat. I would flip it and giggle around boys when witty words escaped me.

    “You should cut your hair for the kids with cancer,” they would say. But, like a toddler clinging to her snotted germ infested blanket, I wouldn’t.

    My grandmother would braid it while her coffee brewed. She’d quietly sing songs as she wove each piece gently. Sweet, safe songs that I don’t remember the words to, yet somehow still replay in my mind at the most unexpected times. Being only twelve years old, I wrapped my arms around the protection of these moments, yet would deny them to any other preteen who, now allowed to shave her legs and was convinced her period will come any day now, accused these moments of being something less sacred than what they were.

    On the day of my grandmother’s funeral, I spent three hours on it. I parted it to the left, then the right. I curled it, then sprayed it, and washed it again because one section kinked awkward like a weed. My father yelled up the stairs in that tone, the one that is beyond irritated. The same tone he’d use when my younger brother Thomas wet the bed, or when somebody used the last of the syrup and he was left standing in his underwear with two freshly toasted and naked waffles.



  2. #2
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    One by one I’d pull strands of it from my eggs and the back of the toilet seat. I would flip it and giggle around boys when witty words escaped me.

    Don't know if it's me or the wording, but this sentence made me throw up in my mouth a little.
    km

  3. #3
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    Yeah, what's with the "from my eggs"?

    *_*

  4. #4
    Tracy Carpenter
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    For those who have had long hair, haven't you ever found it in your food and on the toliet seat? I know I have.

  5. #5
    Ce Ce
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    Too much info.

    As I heard an editor say at a conference, just because you go to the bathroom in Real Life doesn't mean readers want to read about it.

    Just sayin'.

  6. #6
    Tracy Carpenter
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    I thought it was a nice contrast, how the narrator starts out by saying her hair was long and beautiful, and then the egg and toliet seat image...but ok, I get it, it may be too much info for some.

    Besides that line, any more thoughts?

  7. #7
    Lee McMillan
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    When you said "eggs" I pictured the eggs from a fallopian tube. Not pretty.

    Also, I thought this sentence to run on too long:

    "Being only twelve years old, I wrapped my arms around the protection of these moments, yet would deny them to any other preteen who, now allowed to shave her legs and was convinced her period will come any day now, accused these moments of being something less sacred than what they were."

  8. #8
    Tracy Carpenter
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    hmmm...I meant scrambled eggs...but you are right, NOT pretty :-)

  9. #9
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    Why would the boys care about the kids with cancer? And I'll agree with everyone else about the eggs thing.

  10. #10
    Tracy Carpenter
    Guest

    Re: Chapter Two start feedback?

    When I said they, I was meaning a general they, not the boys...but now that you bring that up, it does sound like I mean that the boys said it....

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