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  1. #21
    Nan Hammond

    Re: In The House Of God (1500, not a religious piece)

    Wait...he's not a vampire??? I was waiting for the kid to take a chomp out of the priests arm.

    I DIDN'T get that it was a metaphore. Perhaps make that more clear.

    And for some reason as I was reading in my head, the kid's age changed from 7/8 -10- 13- 15 because the writting was no longer simple and childish. He starts using words that I don't think a kid would know let alone use.

    That said... one of my kids proudly yelled out "Oh @!#$" today as what he assumed must have been a great ending to his English presentation. I filed that away as an excellent memory, much to the disdain of his regular teacher who frowned darkly and pulled faces all the way back to the teachers room.

    Anyway where was I... oh right

    I didn't think the priest was ever coming on to the boy, but I did think it.

    Plus I was a bit disappointed by the lack of ending. I'm going to assume you do have one tucked away somewhere tho...


  2. #22
    Nan Hammond

    Re: In The House Of God (1500, not a religious piece)

    omg!! I've been censored!!

    the word was ' $h1t '



  3. #23
    Kitty Foyle

    Re: In The House Of God (1500, not a religious piece)

    Nan (am playing teacher again), all you need to do is type an exclamation mark in place of the i.

    Like this: sh!t

    Hey, am glad to be of service with important things like this. :-)

    I ditto your comment about the kid sounding much older and wiser than he is. Hmmm....maybe Dave could change him to somebody who's possessed by a sicko earth-bound spirit.

    This sentence gives the impression that this might be the case. His voice spoke of weariness far beyond his age.

    Just a twisted suggestion, Dave. Feel free to flush. :-)


  4. #24
    Rogue Mutt

    Re: In The House Of God (1500, not a religious piece)

    Hmmm....maybe Dave could change him to somebody who's possessed by a sicko earth-bound spirit.

    And then he can shoot pea soup out his mouth!

  5. #25
    Dave O

    Re: In The House Of God (1500, not a religious piece)

    Beautiful Loser - Would an eleven year old state that he is a narcissistic little girl killing psycho? I doubt it. Trying to tell the truth through the guise of a story sounds much more like something a kid would do to me... I did that sort of thing all the time...(Note, I did this in a much lighter context, but still. The same mentality applies.)

    I figured that the comments to kitty were implied, but I guess I can see your point. Perhaps I could try to work them in in a more explicit manner.

    Nan- Thanks for reading!

    I dunno, his voice sounds consistent to me, but then again, I'm biased. xP

    I should note that serial killers, in general, tend to have very high IQs, and one of the aspects I was trying to embrace in the story was having someone so young doing these terrible things but also looking at it from a highly philosophical yet at the same time, frustrated and angry perspective.

    IE, “How can a human choose to be a human and go to heaven, while when a vampire chooses to be a vampire he goes to hell? Is that even a choice to make?”

    I believe Orson Scott Card was criticized because his child characters in Ender's Game did not act/talk like children. I'm not bringing this up to contradict your point in any way, all I'm trying to say is (as I believe someone brought up), this boy (like Ender, Valentine, Peter and the rest) is not an average boy. He is uncommonly intelligent (Card's characters were geniuses), and he is a psychotic murderer. Now honestly, do you have experience with that sort of a child? xP

    Still, I do see where you're coming from. I'll try to read through and try to make his dialogue more consistent, if I can.

    As for the metaphor. The intended "oomph," if you will, of the ending (which, unfortunately, seems to not be doing its job xP) is that at the very ended, the boy admits it...

    “…There are no vampires,” Father Jacob yelled, breaking free of the boy’s gaze, his vice-like grip.

    “I know.”

    Why would a real vampire who told this highly personal story and asked all these questions all of a sudden go back on everything and say, "Yea you're right, I'm not a vampire?" Still, I guess the problem is I'm looking at this from the perspective of an author instead of a reader.

    P.S. LOL at your kid!

    rogue Mutt- In seriousness though, if I queried I would make it known to people what the book is really about, and if were pitched to publisher's the agent would be clear about what it was about, and if/when it ever got into bookstores, it would be in suspense rather than horror. Wouldn't that be enough?

    Kitty- Please see my comments above regarding to age and tell me if my justifications make any sense or if they just amount to the desperately defensive ramblings of a creator protecting his creation. xP

    Oh yea. and *flushes* lol.

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