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Thread: My Turn

  1. #21
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: My Turn

    Thanks for the clarification. I think we agree that Rogue has a good start here; as I said, the voice and characters are engaging. But there's no tension, no sense of foreboding, of some impending act to further engage the reader--until those last three words.

    My opinion. Peace.



  2. #22
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: My Turn

    This could be hanging a battle-ax on the wall to be used later, to explain how the child survived an accident without harm.

    Actually it involves his mother being crushed and suffocated by a flying pig, though I'm not entirely sure of the physics; I might need to test it out with a real Pinto and some kind of stuffed pig. And he doesn't escape entirely without harm.

    Maybe I should just start off with the pig flying through the windshield. "They say pigs can't fly, but..."

  3. #23
    Joe Zeff
    Guest

    Re: My Turn

    There's something in the Seven Rules of Networking (I think it is) that applies here: "With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, landing is always a problem and it doesn't pay to be beneath them as they go overhead."

  4. #24
    Amanda Brenner
    Guest

    Re: My Turn

    I liked it too. I thought it had an easy and engaging flow. At first I wondered where it was going, but as soon as the vehicle was identified, I think I know. I would say this is worth pursuing. Good luck.

    AB

  5. #25
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: My Turn

    Small things.

    "My mother never drove on highways. She preferred the gravel roads of the county, where three cars in a row was considered a traffic jam and she only had to pay attention enough to not drive off into the ditches on either side of the roadway."

    As you can see, I cut "In her entire twenty-five years of life, she left the county only once." I think the paragraph reads better without it. The image of mother off highways is unbroken with the twenty-five years, which are not really important there.

    "Not that my mother couldn’t pay attention—she had graduated high school, which was a first in her family—she just liked the freedom of being able to watch a flight of ducks . . .

    A group of ducks is not called a "flight." If you are describing a few ducks in the air, it would be "the flight of ducks" not "a flight of ducks," and if you're describing a group of ducks, without the flying aspect being of central importance, you might go with, "a flock of ducks" or "a brace of ducks."

    also, in a later paragraph you've got:
    car seat
    backseat
    back roads

    Which reads like too much repetition to me.

    Best of luck with it, Rogue.

  6. #26
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: My Turn

    ...she had graduated high school, which was a first in her family...

    A small nitpick first . I think in "had gruaduated," the had should be italicized. But not that important (your readers should be able to figure that out

    Overall, I think I like it. I agree with a couple of others who mention a tad of tension could be tossed somewhere in there. If I'd read nothing (no back cover, no excerpt from a website, etc.) about this before seeing this, I would probably not continue. That being said, of course, I'm probably not your audience so perhaps it could be a bestseller. Judging by the lownumber of bestsellers on the bestsellers' list I've scanned, I haven't read many of them (maybe one out of the last 1,000!).


  7. #27
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: My Turn

    For something to be a best seller you have to sell it first. ;-)

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