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Thread: feedback

  1. #11
    Nan Hammond
    Guest

    Re: feedback

    hmm...

    I think the problem lies in sentimentality. As a mom you are prone to thinking everything that everything regarding your children is fascinating important and special, even when its trivial.

    It may be interesting to you but a lot of what you said is just infodump.
    You need to find a way to either weave the info into the story or cut it completely.

    As it is it reads like so:

    My daughter is Rachel.
    Rachel has problems.
    One day Rachel said this and this to my cousin.
    Rachel has a class bear.
    Rachel has a learning disability.
    Mr D is Rachel's teacher he's amazing.


    My reaction is ...wait what...

    You need to begin at the beginning and stop jumping back and forth with regards to dates in Rachel's life.

    And then you need to flesh out what is pertinent to your story. To figure that out, first tell me why it is you want to tell your story in the first place. What is it you hope the reader wil gain? I see no throughline at all.

    Chapter 2 was better narrative wise, but I still have a sense of....what is this story actually about?? Is it about the learning disability? Is it the story of Rachel? (If yes, then why here as opposed to your other children).


    Also your writing tends to be choppy. You jump so much between ideas E.G " July 1,1986, my second daughter Rachel was born prematurely. (tell us more about the birth) At birth Rachel was stronger then Erin. (Completely random sentence, if we're talking about Rachel then make it about Rachel)
    At 4am, the phone rang in my hospital room in Shady Grove, Maryland. It was four year old Erin (why are we switching daughters now? I thought we were going to find out about Rachel's premature birth and its implications?)"


    Put all the stuff that goes together, together and boot the rest...




    YOU CAN DOOZ IT!

    -Nanocritic



  2. #12
    Gregory White
    Guest

    Re: feedback

    Here is something I found:

    ...By six months old, Erinís eyes developed strabismus...

    keep in mind that not all readers have your life experience. You should go into more detail here. I have no children and have no idea what strabismus IS and you don't tell me. A friend (who does have four children) was reading over my shoulder and she didn't know what it was either.

    just a note...

    G.

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