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  1. #11
    Karen Campbell
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    You'd think a college-educated woman would be able to figure out how to reply to a discussion forum, but this response may well go astray as my last one did. Here goes anyway:

    Paul--Thank you. We all know how wonderful it is to get positive comments and I'm grateful you took the time.

    Nan--This section was preceded by 2000 fast-paced words, so I wanted to slow it down a bit. I'll try to tighten it up and get back to action faster.

    Nom de plume--Gosh darn it. Yeah, draw should be drew and the wheels should be on the chair. I really must stop writing at midnight, except then I wouldn't get anything written at all.

    The Cat--If you don't mind my asking one more question, was it the "babies" that threw you? I wondered if that word made more sense in my head than in the reader's.

    Lizzy--I love to creep. Thank you.

    Ray--That's why I asked. I suspected I needed to shave it back by 5%, so your 4% works well.

    Leslee--I didn't mean to repeat "stuck" and I appreciate your finding it. And my husband uses frick, but I'm happy with the real word.

    Thanks!!

    Karen



  2. #12
    Derek Wayne
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    ..."If the Baptists blinked, the delivery room half an hour down the Interstate would wash the muck off the bawling indiscretion, swaddle it up, and knock both babies back down the highway to Willow Springs."...

    I don't get it either. I don't think you want your readers getting stuck on a sentence. Overall, I think it's very good.

    DW

  3. #13
    nom de plume
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    Uh, Karen, not so fast with removing "Frick." It didn't bother me. I assumed that the cop was probably a Baptist himself (how else could he survive in a town like that?) and probably a bit more careful with his language than cops elsewhere. You might wonder whether he would use goddamned instead of something like darn.

    All this is mere speculation on my part as I don't know any Baptists. I tend to stay away from people who are seriously into religion.

  4. #14
    the cat came back
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    Oh, I get it -- I think -- a "baby" having a baby, right?

    In which case, yes, it was "babies" that threw me.

    But it shouldn't be that hard to figure out.

  5. #15
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    Just my opinion, feel free to ignore:

    If you're going to leave in "frick" you have to take out "flying." Most readers are going to trip over it, nom de plume notwithstanding. The phrase is "flying fvck," and anything else just reads phony.

  6. #16
    nom de plume
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    leslee, do you really mean the "feel free to ignore" bit of your posts? Just wondering....

    Seems to me, the important thing is that the character is consistent in his choice of words throughout the book. I didn't read "flying frick" as an example of the author not daring to use the real word but more as a reflection of the character's adaptation to his environment. ymmv

  7. #17
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    I really don't care what you think, Nom. I'm as entitled to express my opinion here as you are to express yours. The writer may do whatever she pleases.

  8. #18
    nom de plume
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    Exactly. But if you say things like "you must" do this or that, you imply that the writer may not do "whatever she pleases." And we're not discussing absolutes here (like grammar and spelling errors). You were the only one who brought up the "frick" issue. Also the only one who had nothing good to say about this excerpt.

    We've only seen a short excerpt here. Who knows, the character may well be a phony or someone who use harsh language with his equals but softer, phonier if you will, expressions when talking with a subordinate.

    I'm not writing this post for you, leslee, because i don't care what you think either. It's to give the OP more to consider.

  9. #19
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    Nom, I'm going to write my posts the way I write them, not the way you think they should be written. If you want to control people, start your own website instead of highjacking this writer's topic to suit your ego.

    I'm done with this.

  10. #20
    the cat came back
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    If your're going to get this worked up, you should bo discuss politics in Smoko.

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