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  1. #21
    cara k
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    Karen--

    I loved this excerpt. You gave us the character in such a short span of time--great job!
    Like the other posters, I also had trouble with a couple of overly-worded sentences. One was the Baptists and the babies. The other was 'On one of her flashback hippie days, Ros might tell you photographs capture a person’s soul, but they’d get over it.' I had trouble with 'they'd', I think. After going back a few times, I figured that she's referring to the photographs. If so, it's grammatically correct, as I'm sure you know, but still a bit confusing for me.
    Anyway, as for the 'flying frick,' the word threw me at first, but I figured it was a dialect. (Around here, we'd say 'flying frig.') I like it, though; the expression delivered one more clue as to the sheriff's character.
    Keep up the good work.

    --Cara K



  2. #22
    Nan Hammond
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    I totally understood :

    "If the Baptists blinked, the delivery room half an hour down the Interstate would wash the muck off the bawling indiscretion, swaddle it up, and knock both babies back down the highway to Willow Springs."

    I had to read it twice though because it was such a delicious yet long sentence! (I had to say it out loud too because it just sounded so good)

    ...and knock both babies back down the highway to Willow Springs."

    I love that!

    I don't love wheels on a desk either though...

    -Nan

  3. #23
    Karen Campbell
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    Kill the wheels on the desk!! They were always supposed to be on the chair, but my eyes and my typing fingers have conspired against me.

    And Nan, you have found one of my weaknesses--I will abandon grammar and even clarity for a lovely flow. I'll try to control the addiction, but I make no promises.

    Karen

  4. #24
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    Karen,

    I liked it!

    Had some of the same comments as above.

    A few others too.

    One example, I thought "there's" should have been "there was."

    Consider inserting a comma in 2021. For a second, I thought your were referring to the year.

    Don't wanna belabor you with more of my nits.

    Good work.

    Keep on.

    Cur

  5. #25
    Gregory White
    Guest

    Re: Soft Boiled Cop Critique

    I enjoyed the excerpt but I must admit that the baby sentence also threw me. I've now read it five times and still don't get it.

    And Leslee....CHILL, babe.

    G.

  6. #26
    nom de plume
    Guest

    to Leslee

    The range of feedback a poster receives on an excerpt can be confusing. If something bothers all/most posters (such as the "wheels" and "babies" in this piece), the OP can safely assume s/he should fix this problem. At other times, a few posters may like/love something and others may not. I wrote that "frick" didn't bother me (I'm not at all a puritan who freaks out when reading bad language)just to let the OP know that the use of this word isn't necessarily bad.

    I also assumed the OP was new here and perhaps not familiar with the variety of feedback given at WN. Some of it is helpful, some okay, some useless, some even wrong. Some feedback is highly subjective. Based on the entire draft, she'll probably know by now what changes to make.

    My response certainly wasn't an attack on you. I really don't care whether an OP follows my suggestions or not. The only thing important to me is that the OP takes a few seconds to thank all posters for their input and show basic good manners.

  7. #27
    Karen Campbell
    Guest

    to nom de plume

    Eek. For some reason I've had a devil of a time figuring out how to get my replies to post. I did a group reply with individual names mentioned and saw that it did post. From your gentle suggestion I am assuming that was an etiquette error. I'll try to respond to each individually. I realize how much time each reader has taken with their reply and I really do appreciate it. We're in the middle of annual planning at my day job and I was immersed in spreadsheets until nearly midnight last night, but I'll scroll through and see what I missed by the end of the day.

    As you pointed out, I am free to accept or reject anyone's advice, but if several readers have complaints then it's back to the keyboard. After several decades in advertising, I'm pretty good at handling opinions on what I've written. There's nothing like having a client tell you face-to-face that your commercial sucks!

    Thank you,

    Karen

  8. #28
    nom de plume
    Guest

    Re: to nom de plume

    Karen, I was about to leave and glad i caught your post. No, I don't mean at all you should thank every poster individually. One sentence to thank all collectively is good enough. What bothers me--and i've seen this practice here often enough--is that an OP can't bother with two words to thank posters who collectively must have spent hours giving feedback.

    You already posted your thanks, so my comment certainly wasn't to make you feel bad.

    To prevent losing your post when timing out, do a control C of your message. If you have to log back on, all you need to do is the Control V to retrieve your message. Yeah, the functionality of this site isn't the greatest

  9. #29
    Karen Campbell
    Guest

    More Thanks

    Derek--Gotcha. Babies will be edited.

    Cara--I'll clarify the souls. Thanks.

    Cur--I hadn't even thought of the number being mistaken for the year. Thanks.

    Gregory--Yep, the babies will be edited.

    Nom--thanks for the advice on posting replies.

    Karen

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