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  1. #1
    Christopher Chance
    Guest

    Condensed = synopsis

    Here we go again. Squeeze 300 pages into a 1-page synopsis.
    There's not much space if they don't accept double spacing so here goes. I look forward to your comments.


    Motherland: The Assassins Code.
    One page synopsis.
    Based largely on actual events during the advent of narco-terrorism, a journey of intrigue and enlightenment begins for Christopher Arrowsmith, a British military secret agent whose audacious character is exuberantly in your face from the off; experiencing the rigorous training and preparation of military intelligence operators, tasked globally with operations necessitating a formidable combination of courage and intelligence.
    The final stage of his training takes place at the Joint Services Intelligence Wing at British Army HQ, Berlin, where he meets Q, the senior intelligence officer whose office intercepts global intelligence through various nefarious means and is able to operate outside of normal British Government boundaries and restrictions.
    Seemingly unaccountable, Q relentlessly pursues the terrorist without the shackles of ministerial control by using Arrowsmith as his secret weapon and placing him in the inner sanctum of terrorist groups as an arms and drugs dealer. Q selected Arrowsmith because of his belief that only the Anglo-Saxon has the mental and physical reserves to gain victory in this most dangerous quest and Christopher Arrowsmith is a proven specimen regarding strength, endurance and mental agility in the field of shadows.
    Enter Kate Mulcahy, a senior SIS officer with a wealth of female international intelligence contacts; a dedicated agent with a granite attitude to all things masculine, whose lesbian traits are crushed by Arrowsmith’s beautiful masculinity. Her feelings for Arrowsmith escalate rapidly as they work together along the learning curve of the secret agent; imparting the secrets of her Zoroastrian ancestry and the secret codes to ensure his safe passage along the primitive paths of the arms and drugs brigands.
    To be accepted by the international terrorists groups Arrowsmith must become an accredited arms and drugs dealer, which was achieved by the ingenious Q and his deep cover agents. Through the network of terrorists, arms dealers and drug barons; a complicated plot was hatched whereby the IRA would get guns and cash to bolster their funds without the Americans discovering their trade with Arabs and drug barons. Should that come to light, the massive IRA sympathy fund would dry up.
    The plot involved the IRA; ETA, the Mafia, Mu’ammar al-Qadhafi and others. Mossad, the Israeli Intelligence Service informed SIS of the plot before the main players started trading. This raw intelligence enabled Q to organise a plant; Arrowsmith was the plant.
    The journey starts in Germany with the intrigue that takes us to Afghanistan to make contact with the mujahideen and then to Ireland to make the deal with the IRA. The high-rolling adventure begins with the return to Afghanistan to transport half a ton of pure heroin to Karachi where the Angel of Death strikes in the form of Hannah Cohen, a beautiful Mossad agent who kills Arrowsmith’s fellow agent and then joins his yacht crew to take the heroin through the Suez canal then on to a rendezvous with the now famous Claudia, the ship that was caught in the Irish Sea with tons of weapons on board and the senior IRA commander, Joe Cahill was arrested. But the £2 million that was supposed to be onboard was missing; Arrowsmith had it onboard his yacht which was part of the British plan to secure a place for Arrowsmith right in the heart of the IRA army council. The plan worked and Arrowsmith was welcomed as a hero and became integral to the planning of future terrorist arms and drug dealings which were doomed to failure because Q had his man at the centre of things.
    The £2 million gave the IRA funds to plan another arms and drugs deal with Arrowsmith as the lynchpin behind the planning and execution of a further enterprise involving clandestine weaponry coming out of Holland which ends this story with the promise of the next, beginning in Holland.



  2. #2
    the cat came back
    Guest

    Re: Condensed = synopsis

    Adverb/adjectivitis.

    In your first paragraph: ...largely...actual...audacious...exuberantly...ri gorous...globally...formidable... And those are just the ones that bother me.

    I'll stick with the first paragraph.

    The cliches (or cose to it): Based largely on actual events...journey of intrigue...begins for...in your face...from the off (get-go?).

    I'll read the rest of it if you will hit the enter key after each paragraph, but at a glance, the language feels pretty cliched -- kind of like the first paragraph.

  3. #3
    Dave S
    Guest

    Re: Condensed = synopsis

    Chance,

    Your excessive use of adjectives and adverbs was commented on repeatedly when you posted last time. Too many adjectives and adverbs will signal an agent that you are an amateur writer. These words make it seem like you are trying desperately to convince the reader that you have a great story to tell, damn it!

    Here’s an example:

    “a British military secret agent whose audacious character is exuberantly in your face from the off.

    Now, it’s OK to describe your protagonist as a British military secret agent, but the rest of the sentence needs to be eliminated. If your writing is good, you will show your reader how audacious and exuberant your character is. Telling the reader so, even in a synopsis, indicates to the reader that you probably don’t know how to write a powerful scene that shows who your characters are. So instead, you default to telling the reader. Not good.

    Also, your use of semi-colon is awkward. Don’t use it unless you’re certain other punctuation, like a comma or a period, will not work.

    The good news is, overuse of adjectives and adverbs is a very easy problem to fix. I would recommend that you eliminate every adjective and adverb from your synopsis, and then read it to yourself. You might be surprised at the difference

  4. #4
    Ray Veen
    Guest

    Re: Condensed = synopsis

    Cat and Dave pretty much nailed this crit. I'm just chiming in to emphatically agree with them.

    That said, it seems a little weird that your protagonist would hide the 2 million from the authorities. I understand that this puts him at the heart of the IRA council, but if the plan is to take down a bigger ring of bosses or something, you should probably mention that.

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