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  1. #11
    Live an\' Laugh
    Guest

    Re: Other Writers

    Think outside the box. Ok, cheesy, right? No. Take other's comments AS YOU WILl, knowing that others do not love your work as you do. It's pretty hard to convey emotion over a computer.

    All I can say is: Remember that you must hook an agent from the first few lines and keep them reeled in. So to speak. Customers must be captivated. Thus, action. Probably ASAP.

    To the point: Your story has potential. Keep the vividness, but reduce the flow of words. Make things to the point; each word should exist purely for the advancement of your story. Good character start.

    But it's got potential. All manuscripts need work, even when you SWEAR they're done. (Sigh.)
    --Good luck... LL



  2. #12
    Joe Trent
    Guest

    Re: Other Writers

    Jay,

    Here's my experience, use it as you will.

    I read the first two or three paragraphs and found not much going on. I started skimming and stopped when I got to: "HEEELLLP mmmMEEEEeeee.” Then I said to myself: "Oh, something's happening, let's back up and see what it is."

    There's lots of good writing before that point, but I don't have a reason to care yet. Lots of people have problems and pasts they regret, but I can't care about all of them. A (the?) way to draw me in is to get some action going and take me along.

    Look at it this way. If you see someone standing on a street corner looking sad and pensive, will you stop to see what happens? How long will you wait? How about if they trip and fall--will you run over to help?

    Yes, you need to build the tension as you go toward the big finish, but if the reader puts the book down after the first page, they won't go there with you.

    Keep after it. Good luck.

  3. #13
    Ce Ce
    Guest

    Re: Other Writers

    What Joe said.

    And Rogue.

  4. #14
    Jay Maddock
    Guest

    Thanks so much, ALL!!!!

    Thanks so much for the constructive critiquing, i love it!!

    Ok, but now i have a question, there's something about this man that she saw that i can't disclose in the first chapter.

    But then, should it? it's the kicker, of why he's 'forbidden' to her.

    If i disclose it in the first chapter, will readers think, oh, that's what happened?

    but there's actually more that happened to her after this, when she tried to move on, for example, HIS house burned down and she helped him and his wife recover, and became friends with his wife.

    this was after she lost her own husband that she tried to move on with, so there's more anquish, and how she recovers, how they heal each other, if not from a distance, so there is action and all that, but i don't want to give out the entire plot line in the first chapter,

    why would they continue to find out how?

    Where's the balance?

    thanks again for all your comments, i appreciate it....

  5. #15
    Jay Maddock
    Guest

    to love a work/ to not love a work

    the good thing is, i don't feel bad about any critiquing.
    i think writing should be fluid, change, and the writer shouldn't be so in love with a small bit of it, say a paragraph, that the whole of the novel suffers for it.

    I think all writers should seek advice and be more in love with the writing, and the changing of that same writing, than they should be with how much time they put into it.

    Word jugglers, word smiths, i am part of 3 writing groups, and we are productively trying to make our work better.

    But after reading this forum for quite sometime, before deciding to be a part of it, i do notice that it's hard with newbies to accept the truth...

    I work for myself, but the reader's response is my boss... my manager my passion...

    I have worked on this chapter for so long, as well as the rest of the book, but i'm ok with changing it for the hundreth time, i'll make it better.... thanks again...

  6. #16
    the cat came back
    Guest

    Re: to love a work/ to not love a work

    From your first paragraph: beloved family...captivating town...secret love...unforgivably forbidden...ominous ripples...ugly truths...magnificent lies.

    Adjectivitis!

    Also: It would be a mistake to say it was the furthest thing from her mind, because it wasn’t anywhere near her mind...

    Then it's really, really far, isn't it?

    And someone writing their story of heartbreak and seperation in a lonely setting seems so cliched.

    I skimmed the following paragraphs, and when I saw, “HEEELLLP mmmMEEEEeeee,” I couldn't go on.

    Sorry.

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