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  1. #1
    mike saechao
    Guest

    A newbie's story

    hey, I just joined. I\'ve been working on a story. Please read and give me feedback.







    She looked at me and said
    “Izzy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

    Her face flourished and her eyes so curiously wandering around my face.
    “Think, what do you want to be? Do you want to be a doctor? A firefighter? Oh, how about a lawyer?”
    Her eyes fixated on my nose, as if there was a spider waiting to sink its fangs into my innocent face.
    If I can remember correctly, I said “No. I don’t think I will ever grow up. I will probably be dead by then.”


    ONE- If you thought suburbia was cool…

    In a small town called Eniwrit, California, resided no more than two hundred residents. There was a church, two convenience stores and a few bars that sat on the corner of the Marina. The majority of the townspeople were Caucasian and Asians. It was Christian society that was corrupted by the beliefs of certain rules. There were no criminals, your neighbors came over to borrow sugar and flour. The wealthier people invited the whole town for weekly dinners and gossip. It would appear that the town was a peaceful and heart warming community, as an outsider would think. Mr. & Mrs. Ackles four houses down both worked as lawyers. Mr. Brown who lived on the corner worked as a bouncer at a night club, he would invite his neighbors over for sporting events and drinks. He was very well known around town as the “entertainer”. Mrs. Lindson, a widow, who was always cheerful and welcoming. She was the mayor of the town. This really does seem like a paradise. The natives here were honest workers who kept the town afloat and everyone trusts each other.
    Two streets down was a grade school, a junior high and a senior high school, all compacted into a massive building that looked like a county jail house. Across from there was the towns city hall. Nothing took place there, it was a deserted building that was sealed off.
    The city sprawled out a maximum of 5 miles. On the borderline resides a power plant and a few industrial factories that employed most of the people. This is definitely a city waiting for a disaster.

    On Halloween, the town would become the epitome of hallows eve. There would be children running around screaming and begging for candy, teenagers boycotting in basements with joints in their mouths and adults who dress up like molestors and sluts just for a night. After the night has passed, the town would go on as if nothing had happened. Mrs. Ackles and Mr. Brown did not have an affair. The mayor did not get drunk and found the next guy she saw down the street. Teenagers did not smoke their joints and commit illegal acts. Everything is as it was. One would think, wouldn’t they?

    “can you keep a secret mayor?”


    In this town, the hours fly by like cars racing up and down the highway. The night comes too fast and the mornings last too long. Night owls like the paper boy, who tosses papers against shuttered doors and steel cage screens. The sound of it so loud, flocks of robins chirp and scatter away. The Ackles head off to work at sun rise and the sprinklers awake from its short sleep. Signs of the sun waking up: papers bashing against the door? Check. The birds caw and scatter? Check. Sprinklers that sound like raging waters? Check. The professionals heading off to work? Check. Finally the school bus that takes all the kids to school? Check.

    While everyone is off to school or work, the dark hour arrives. At this time of day, the clouds scatter, bringing a bright light that beams onto the city hall building. The building that was sealed off now shines with curiosity and wonder.

    Only a few townspeople knew of this. One day, Mr. Brown, the bouncer purposely broke into City Hall. What he found was something so terrifying, so intensely intriguing that he wandered further into the building.

    As he stepped into the revolving door that lead into the lobby, he smelled a rotting scent mixed with perfume. He walked further and he found a woman in a green dress. Her hair pulled back like a French bun, her lips red, her eyes wide and he skin shined. He approached her and found that she was bleeding from the right leg.

    “Hello, Miss, are you alright? You’re bleeding.”

    “Hmm? Oh…I’m sorry. Would you like to help me?”

    “Sure, we need to bandage you up or you’re going to bleed to death.”

    He walked closer to her and sensed that something was deeply wrong with this building. The hairs on the back of his neck jolted upwards, sweat was starting to form and he starts to tremble.

    A door opens. Another door opens. Three more after. Slowly, he sees legs emerge from the shadows. A group of women now appeared before him.

    “Hello Mister, are you looking for someone?”


    He couldn’t believe his eyes. These women were model like, almost doll like.

    “Uh no. I was just looking around.”

    The women surrounded him, touching him. He couldn’t resist. He couldn’t help himself. His clothes slowly ripped off.

    “What are you doing?”

    The women pull out knives from their backs. A short edged kitchen knife, a butcher knife and cleavers.

    “Stop, this isn’t funny!”

    “Let’s cut off his testicles…Will that do?”

    “No, let’s just chop off his penis.”

    “How about we just chop everything off?”

    “Hey! Stop! Now!”

    Mr. Brown struggled to get free. His efforts weren’t working, he begun to panic. The women got closer to him and whispered.

    “Now…Let’s see how you do without it?”

    His right arm came loose, soon his legs were also. His fist connects with the woman in the blue dress and he runs for the door.

    When he turned around to look at them, the women slowly aged. Their faces smashed in, their eyes melted, cuts and bruises everywhere on their body. It was as if they were beaten to death.

    He bolts out the door and tries to find a witness. He bumps into the mayor who is standing outside the library.

    “Mayor! I just saw something in the City Hall!”

    “That building has been sealed off for years, how did you get in there?”

    “Can you keep a secret?”



  2. #2
    Ce Ce
    Guest

    Re: A newbie's story

    Is this the beginning of a novel or something shorter?

    A critique will be different based on the length of the piece.

    That said ...

    Her face flourished You mean "flushed?"

    her eyes so curiously wandering around my face Doesn't make sense.

    Her eyes fixated on my nose Really? Fixated? Wouldn't "focused" do just as well?

    As for the rest ... The beginning is an info dump, and a boring one. You could relate every bit of that information but simply stating that it seemed like a perfectly ordinary little town.

    It doesn't start to get interesting until the bouncer breaks into City Hall.

    Needs work.

  3. #3
    Ce Ce
    Guest

    Re: A newbie's story

    "by" simply stating.

    I soooo long for an edit button.

  4. #4
    the cat came back
    Guest

    Re: A newbie's story

    Get us into your story -- fast.

  5. #5
    Mandy Pauza
    Guest

    Re: A newbie's story

    She looked at me and said
    “Izzy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

    A little lackluster, but ok, I’ll bite, what does he want to be?

    Her face flourished and her eyes so curiously wandering around my face.

    Her face grew??? Wow, eerie. Did her eyes JUST curiously wander or did they really have to SO curiously?

    “Think, what do you want to be? Do you want to be a doctor? A firefighter? Oh, how about a lawyer?”

    A little unclear who is saying this. At first I thought the narrator was thinking it, then I realized it was more speech. All this stuff needs to be separated in a way that makes it clearer what you mean.

    Her eyes fixated on my nose, as if there was a spider waiting to sink its fangs into my innocent face.

    Sigh. Ok… is there a reason it was “as if there was a spider waiting to sink it’s fangs into my innocent face”? Because there’s lots of different way she could have been fixating on the face, after wandering around it SO curiously. The spider better have a tie in or else it’s just distracting.

    If I can remember correctly, I said “No. I don’t think I will ever grow up. I will probably be dead by then.”

    Oh, darn… the “I don’t think I will ever grow up. I think I will probably die” line was totally neutered by “If I can remember correctly…” Never mind that I was instantly thinking “I will probably be dead by the time I grow up? By the time I grow up? Does that mean I grow up and die or die before it happens?” instead of wondering where the story was going.

    It doesn’t take long to lose a reader. I was done at this point because the opening was lackluster, the next bit was clearly an ‘infodump’ as someone else used the word, and I wasn’t engaged in either character or story enough to slough through it.

  6. #6
    Joe Zeff
    Guest

    Re: A newbie's story

    Please don't be offended, but I have to tell you the truth: you dance all around what you want to say instead of just coming out and saying it.

    Your very first sentence is an excellent example: "In a small town called Eniwrit, California, resided no more than two hundred residents." Why don't you just say, "Two hundred people, at most, live in Eniwritt, California." I'm sure I could go through your sample finding more examples, but I'm not going to insult you by pretending you can't understand what I mean. BTW, using both "resided" and "residents" in the same sentence isn't good; you should try not to repeat yourself like that.

    You've taken the first two steps on your journey: you've written something, and you've asked people's opinions. That's more than most wannabe writers ever do. Don't be discouraged by what we've told you, because we really are trying to help.

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