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Thread: Please critique

  1. #31
    Stacy Copping
    Guest

    Re: enough!

    Ravenscroft,

    Thank you for your advice. You are a complete delight! After reading the previous feedbacks, I could see the babbling. I revised and cut out the flashbacks.
    The story doesn't move along with the background info dumped in.

    The reference to Dollar General helps to establish her economic level and sense of style, which is vital to the story. I will leave that in but I deleted the rest of the over the top adjectives.

    "Putting lipstick on a pig". That's cute. Actually, that's one of my father's favorite sayings. As you said, it is only the first draft. I thought I'd get some feedback before going any further.

    I'm interested to find that after your somewhat harsh critism, you still encourage me to continue. I'll take that with a smile.

    Mandy,

    And thank you for taking so much time to analize my writing. I deleted the flashbacks and am now moving the story along. By the way, the robe twitched, not her breasts. Perhaps I can work on wording that more clearly.



  2. #32
    Anthony Ravenscroft
    Guest

    Re: enough!

    Um, no, the "reference to Dollar General" indicates nothing except an attempt to prey upon the prejudices of the middle class against the lower classes. You're scant mm from playing to a cliche, & that's how you start?

    And don't stop to get feedback at every point. That's goofy. Finish what you're trying to say, then bring back the lede. Then you can go back & rewrite. It's like worrying that you've got a leaky tyre, so you pull over every two blocks to crouch down & peer at it -- a sort of semi-functional OCD. If you don't knock off, I guarantee it'll get worse before better.

    (Ah, crud -- per previous, I wrote "Vonnegut" & meant "Hemingway"....)

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