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Thread: first page

  1. #21
    Keith Kirchner

    Re: first page

    Paul Harris:

    Dave S. asked for feedback; we gave it to him- I'm sorry. Yes, everyone's advice is subjective. I think everyone knows that (to some extent). But let me repeat myself: He asked for feedback. He has every right to leave or use suggestions given in this forum. Just don't jump on us when we give our feedback when we are inquired to do so. Stacy noted the first sentence was distracting for using the word 'was'. Smiling Curmudgeon noted other instances that were distracting due to 'was' and 'were'. The same reaction stirred with Rogue Mutt. I'm not saying numbers count for anything. But if four people on one board found this to be failing for that reason, believe it or not, it may actually be a logical suggestion.

    Anyways, don't let me stop you from saying 'WTF'.

  2. #22
    nom de plume

    Re: first page

    Keith Kirchner:
    "Dave S. asked for feedback; we gave it to him"

    The OP most of all wanted to know whether you would continue reading. Only two people answered that!

    Because of my own WTF diversion, I didn't answer this question either. I'll do so now:

    Dave, I'd continue reading because i liked the mood of the piece.

    I agree that you have a penchant for constructs of to be + present participle (was wearing). They have their uses but throughout this excerpt, the past tense (wore) would do the job better.

    BTW, "was wearing" is not passive voice, as several posts stated.

    "I could see a woman on her knees in the passenger seat of the station wagon, her arms flailing, facing two crying toddlers in the back."

    I wouldn't call this sentence elegant; you try to cram too much into it and it may no longer be grammatically correct (what does "facing" truly refer to?).

    Good luck!

  3. #23
    Keith Kirchner

    Re: first page

    Next time I'll interpret 'any feedback appreciated' differently, Nom.

  4. #24
    Christopher Chance

    Re: first page

    Yes, I would continue to read because there's a narrative voice working here that I suspect would get better as the pages turned.

  5. #25
    d. Leroy

    Re: first page

    Hey Dave,
    Wasn't sure if I wanted to post on this one or not, looks like some folks are getting fired up over this thing.

    I'll take my chances and see if I get jack-slapped.

    The only reason I wouldn't keep reading is because nothing really happened. The writing was pretty good though.


  6. #26
    Anthony Ravenscroft

    Re: first page

    I've repeatedly pointed up -- for, what? 3 years now? -- that too many starting-out writers lard their writing with "be words," with "was/were" being the most common offender(s).

    Those of you who've committed your bunchy undies to near-permanence on WNet are just being goofy.

    Some of us don't like overuse of anything because a reader with an IQ over 40 generally comprehends after the first 20 repetitions that the story's in past tense.

    Compare the immediacy of
    The rain fell steadily
    The rain was falling steadily

    The latter is more passive, forcing distance between the reader & the writing. In other words, the reader could imagine her/himself within the story, or standing back & looking at it TV-like. Push the readers away often enough & eventually they leave for good.

    Sure, there's times you want to give that distance, but not always, & certainly not over&over.

    Nobody said it's one of those much-feared boogeypersons -- the RULE. It's an opinion, a suggestion, maybe a guideline, & it was offered as such.

  7. #27
    Mandy Pauza

    Re: first page

    I wasnt interested enough to read more but the writing wasnt terrible, just lacked a little in story-telling.

    I read about half the infighting, got bored, skipped to here. Like all advice offered in the world, take what makes sense, toss out what doesn't and keep an open mind about anything in between.

    I'd like to see you post more.

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