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  1. #11
    Ray Veen
    Guest

    Re: The Forester (working title)

    Tashia gasped... Thick, wet air made... Sweat matted... Her heart pounded... Greens and browns blurred...

    Here is your first sentence that doesn't follow your subject-verb pattern:

    Even at this distance it sounded like a jet engine next to her ear.

    Do you see? Ordinarily it's a good idea to use simplistic sentences, especially during an action scene, but you should alternate the pattern of the phrases (thus the rhythm) from time to time. It's not technically an error, but it does eventually become subconsciously annoying.

    Hope that helps. Luck.



  2. #12
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: The Forester (working title)

    Just my opinion, feel free to ignore:

    "Tashia gasped as she fled through the jungle. Thick, wet air made it hard to breathe. Sweat matted her hair to her skull and ran down her body in tiny floods. Her heart pounded so that she could almost feel her blood gushing through her veins. Greens and browns blurred on either side as she ran across the dim forest floor, far below the reach of sunlight. Tree branches swung low and vines clutched at her arms and legs, trying to stop her. She ducked and twisted, slid from their grasp, and raced on."

    What bothers me about this opening is that there's nothing fresh in it. The descriptive language is exactly what you expect. It's a typical take on a scared person running through a jungle, trying to escape.

  3. #13
    Kate B.
    Guest

    Re: The Forester (working title)

    Oops AaronÖ.sorry.

    Ray covered it but Iíll addÖ

    Tashia (Noun) gasped (verb) as she fled through the jungle. Thick, wet air (noun, with adjectives) made (verb) it hard to breathe. Sweat (noun) matted (verb) her hair to her skull and ran down her body in tiny floods. Her heart (noun, with pronoun) pounded (verb) so that she could almost feel her blood gushing through her veins. Greens and browns (Advectives used as nouns) blurred (verb) on either side as she ran across the dim forest floor, far below the reach of sunlight. Tree branches (noun) swung (verb) low and vines clutched at her arms and legs, trying to stop her. She (pronoun) ducked (verb) and twisted, slid from their grasp, and raced on.

    If you read it aloud, it has a repetitive rhythm. If Iíve mis-labeled anything, anyone should feel free to correct me.

    See what happens when I switch it up a little:

    Tasha (noun) gasped (verb) as she fled through the jungle. Breathing (verb) the thick, wet air (noun, with adjectives) was a labor. Sweat (noun) matted (verb) her hair to her skull and ran down her body in tiny floods. As she raced through the forest (prepositional phrase), she could almost hear the blood gushing through her veins. Far below the reach of sunlight (Prepositional phrase again, which probably isnít a good idea), the dim forest floor blurred in her vision, branches swung low, and vines clutched at her arms and legs, trying to stop her. She (noun)ducked (verb) and twisted and slid from their grasp, racing on.

    Iíve made it sound less repetitive by varying your sentence structure and sentence length.

    I hope this helps.

  4. #14
    Ray Veen
    Guest

    Re: The Forester (working title)

    Even though my earlier post wasn't that helpful (I was in a hurry), I'd like to add that I love your concept. Very cool. Lotsa writing issues, though.

    But don't be discouraged, because you have lotsa promise too. If you start getting a lot of crits that sound like nitpicking, you'd do well to listen to them. I'd do it myself, but its Friday night and I got plans. Some other time maybe.

  5. #15
    Heather Richardson
    Guest

    Re: The Forester (working title)

    I would say definitely sounds interesting, great start. Keep it up and good luck!

  6. #16
    Aaron Brown
    Guest

    Re: The Forester (working title)

    Thanks guys for all your help/suggestions/comments. Definitely some food for thought. I really appreciate it!

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