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  1. #61
    Keith Bouchard

    Re: great writing means.....

    Hm? With all due respect, I'm definetly not unconfident. If anything, I'm annoyingly over confident, lol. I already scrapped the first paragraph, along with most of the first page, so that first sentence you read is non-existant now.

    I was never under the intention that making a message board would make a better writer, anyway. That would be stupid to think. I didn't expect raving reviews, because I'm fully aware it needs slicing and dicing.

    Anyway, I don't think I'm a bad writer despite people telling me that it is beyond saving, so yeah. I'm not givin' up.

  2. #62
    Mandy Pauza

    Re: great writing means.....

    Dascend's Avenue was swallowed by evening for several hours…

    Were there several other hours it wasn’t swallowed by evening that night??

    and rain continued to swim over the cobblestone streets.

    Rain falls, it might even pool. Water has all kinds more flexibility… but generally is something you swim in, not something that does the swimming.

    A gray sky looked down upon a man…

    Another inanimate object functioning like a person.

    …who walked along the overgrown sidewalk.

    Overgrown with what?

    He watched as the panorama around him became one of the most dismal nights the neighborhood had seen in years.

    Seems a rather passive thing to do in the face of apparent calamity. Is that purposeful? Is the dismal night just from the rain or is there something more going on?

    The houses nearest him were turning off their lights – window by window – in a rhythmic pattern, blackening out for the remainder of the night.

    The houses are now turning out their lights? Or are the human beings in them doing it? Or is it just happening because of the dismal night?

    Even though his surroundings were normally elegant, the thick, grimy weather degraded the houses like muddy jewelry.

    ‘normally elegant’ but with overgrown sidewalks?

    Dogs and cats were loyally making their way home, returning to their owners.

    What does this have to do with anything? Were they actually loyal or just escaping the dismal night? Were all the dogs and cats owned, how many did ‘he’ see? Did he actually see any or are you just giving us a god’s eye view?

    I stopped reading here.

    The wiki definition of purple prose: A term of literary criticism, purple prose is used to describe passages, or sometimes entire literary works, written in prose so overly extravagant, ornate or flowery as to break the flow and draw attention to itself. Purple prose is sensually evocative beyond the requirements of its context. It also refers to writing that employs certain rhetorical effects such as exaggerated sentiment or pathos in an attempt to manipulate a reader's response.

    Each sentence in your first paragraph made me go… what??? It appears that you were so interested in crafting pretty sentences that you forgot what you were writing about. Loyal dogs and cats? Are you sure they have anything to do with your story?

    If you haven’t edited this for content half a dozen times already then it’s time to get on it. Delete EVERY single word that doesn’t have to do with the story and save it as a separate file, then read that outloud. Is there a story here? Is it engaging? Good, then you can go back and add some pretty phrases to give it style. But right now it’s all style and no substance.

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